I shrug and roll my eyes. It’s not like I was shooting up heroin. It was just prescription painkillers.
“I won’t overdoes,” I say. “Haley, it’s fine. I know what to take and when to stop.”
She closes her eyes. “That doesn’t make me feel any better. If you’re drinking and take the wrong pill…it could be bad.”
“It won’t be bad. I promise.” I kiss her.
Tears run down her face. “If anything happened to you, it would kill me.”
“I’m sorry,” I say softly. “I’ll stop.”
“I don’t want you to hurt, and I don’t want you to get hurt. There has to be another way, and whatever it is, whatever it takes, I’ll help you. I want to help you.”
“You do, Haley. You don’t know it, but you do. Just being with you, just knowing you don’t think I’m hopeless, helps. I’ve never had that before,” I admit quietly. “There is darkness in me, Haley, and it won’t go away. It pulls me under and taints my thoughts, and sometimes I do bad things.”
Tears run down her face. “That doesn’t make you a bad person, and it certainly doesn’t make you hopeless. You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, Aiden, and I don’t mean physically. You saw past my heartache, and I see past yours. Please promise me you won’t take the pills anymore.”
“I promise,” I say, and I seal it with a kiss. I rest my head on her chest and cough. She rubs my back and I close my eyes. Haley made me rest all day, and I’m feeling better, but the stupid cough is lingering. We stay like that for a while, and I’m feeling peaceful and tired now.
She sighs. “I should check on the new guy and Phoenix, and bring the others in.”
“I’ll come with,” I say, sitting up.
“You can stay here or go inside and rest. You’re sick, so really you should rest.”
“You’re my girlfriend,” I say, watching the light return to her eyes when I say the word. “I want to help you.”
“You’re too good to me.”
I just kiss her and look out at the distant mountains as we stand. “You live in a postcard,” I say. “I never knew a view like this was possible from a porch.”
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it? I could never leave this place.”
“I don’t want to either,” I say, and it shocks me how much I’m dreading going back to L.A.. I don’t want to leave Haley, of course, but it’s more than that. I don’t want to be around my fake friends, I don’t want to be pestered and followed by fans and paparazzi, and I don’t want to have to deal with the fast-paced life of being a Hollywood star.
I pull Haley into an embrace, looking at the quiet landscape, breathing in cool, fresh air, and feel conflicted. Not acting scares me. What the hell would I do? It’s not like I can go from being famous to working a regular job, right? There isn’t anything else I’m good at, anyway. And though I don’t need all my expensive shit, I’d miss having the money.
Haley’s eye close and her face tightens. I hold her, wanting to take away whatever pain she’s feeling. She’s so beautiful, so kind, and unlike anyone I’ve ever met. I never believed in soul mates or true love, or any of that shit…until now. With Haley, I feel hope. I feel like she can see me, the real me, and my fucked-up past and still love me. I’m not scared to tell her, to show her, to let her know everything.
“You will,” she says quietly.
“I will what?”
“Leave.” The word is like a knife to my heart. She opens her eyes and looks at me. She drops her gaze to my chest, a line of worry forming between her eyes. “You will leave. You’ll finish filming, you’ll go back home…and then what?”
“I…I don’t know,” I say, taking her hands in mine. “We’ll figure it out.”
Her shoulders sag and her eyes close again, hiding the pain. “Why?” she asks, shaking her head. “You’ll go back, you’ll forget about all this, about me. You’ll find someone not…not grieving, someone you deserve. And you’ll be fine.”
And she won’t be.
“Haley,” I start. I slip my hands around her waist. “I won’t forget about you. I might go back to L.A., but that won’t mean things have to end. I haven’t thought that far ahead, but we’ll figure it out.”
She flicks her gaze to mine. “I have thought that far ahead, Aiden. And I don’t want…” A fat tear falls and rolls down her cheek. I catch it, gently wiping it away.
“I’ll never leave you,” I whisper. “Not completely. Yeah, I’ll leave the set. I’ll leave here and go on another set, film another movie. But it won’t change how I feel about you.”
“Aiden,” she says softly, and the pain in her voice breaks my heart. How can she not know how amazing she is? See how much I need her, how much she completes me. “I…I don’t know.”
She slips her hand into mine and leads me off the porch. We walk in silence around the house, going into the barn. “This is my life. It’s a broken mess right now, but this is me.”
“I know,” I say, not understanding what she’s getting at. “It’s broken but beautiful.” We slow outside the barn. “Let’s take it day by day.”
“Day by day,” she repeats as she looks into my eyes. “I can definitely do that.” We go into the barn, and I help her take care of the horses. I watch as she unwraps bandages, cleans wounds, softly talking to the horses as she works. I play with Aurelia as she brings in the other horses, and it hits me how much I like it here, and how much leaving will really hurt.
I don’t know what kind of future Haley and I have. It’s not something I think about—ever. A small part of me wants to believe that whatever happens, she’ll still be with me. Imagining life going back to the way it was before I met her makes the darkness swirl inside with fury.
The sky is midnight blue and dotted with a million shining stars when she closes the barn doors for the night. I slide my arm around her waist, and we slowly make our way up to the house. I look up, pausing.
“I never realized how bright it was before.”
“It’s not this bright in Billings,” she says. “The light pollution dims the stars.”
I turn to her, drawing her in. “The darker it is, the brighter the stars shine.”
Her lips pull up into a smile, and she tips her head to the heavens. “Something like that.” Her hands run down my back. “What do you want for dinner?”
I can’t help but smile, again getting hit with how normal everything is. Normal and perfect.
“I don’t really care. I’m not a picky person.”
“That’s good. I’m not the best cook.”
I hug her tightly. “We can order something.”
She wrinkles her nose. “We don’t get deliveries out here.”
“Oh right, you live in the middle of nowhere.”
“Hey now,” she laughs. “I like this nowhere.”
“I like it too. Maybe I can bribe someone to bring us pizza with a really big tip?”
“You can try. But it might be cold by the time it gets here.” She narrows her eyes. “Now I really want pizza. Thanks.”
I laugh and kiss her, then see a flash of light overhead. I look up and see another. Time stops and it’s just the two of us, standing underneath the small meteor shower. It’s gone in only seconds, but it’s unlike anything I’ve seen before.
Kind of like Haley.
She hooks her arms around me, and a breeze blows her hair across my face. I tuck it behind her ears and look into her eyes. The words are inside of me, begging and pleading to be let out.
“Haley,” I start. “I meant what I said, you know.”
“You said a lot of things,” she replies with a smile.
“About me not really leaving you.”
The smile fades away. “I…I don’t know, Aiden. I don’t want to think about it, because I know it will happen, and when it does…” She shivers in the cool night air. “I don’t want to get hurt.”
“I won’t hurt you,” I promise. “Haley, I…I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I know it’s crazy, because we haven’t been together long at all, but I feel like I’ve known you for years, like you see me, the real me, and accept everything. It hurts to think about not being with you. I…I think I love you.”