The patch of flesh she scraped off hasn’t healed. It doesn’t look any different from how it did days ago. Fuck. It looks worse.
“Eat, Phoenix,” I say, nudging her feed dish. She pushes her ears back.
“You have to eat if you want to get better. Just eat, dammit!” Tears fill my eyes, blurring my vision of the horse. “I can’t give up, so you can’t give up! Just please, eat! I’m doing everything I can! I’m sorry it’s not enough. I sorry I’m not enough. Why are you doing this to me?” I slump down in the stall, crying. “I can’t lose anyone else.”
And then it hits me like a knife to the heart. I’m not mad at Phoenix. I’m mad at him. He let me in, made me happy, told me he loved me…and then he left without a second look back. He picked me up when I was a million tiny pieces of broken glass, put me back to together, and then threw me into darkness where I broke into a million more.
And there’s no coming back after that. After getting my heart shattered over and over until there is nothing left.
The sobs pour out of me, shaking my body. I bring my hands to my face, catching teardrops. Why did I let this happen? I knew it would end in the worst kind of pain for me, yet I let him fool me. I hate him. I hate Aiden Shepherd with every fiber of my being.
I get to work half an hour late. My eyes are red and no one says anything. They know Aiden and I haven’t spoken, but no one knows the extent of my heartache. No one knows how much I let him in. They whisper, say I’ve grieved over my mother long enough and it’s time to move on, but no one says anything to me.
Halfway through the day, Mr. Weebly calls me into his office.
“Have a seat,” he says. I’m wearing a scoop-neck black shirt, and he’s not eyeing my breasts. I should worry I’m in trouble, but I don’t. Just like the first time I took a seat in this chair, I feel nothing. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine,” I say automatically.
He just nods and lets out a dramatic breath. “I read the article you turned in. It was rather dark.”
“Depression is a dark problem,” I start.
“We don’t publish stuff like that,” he says slowly. “It might make people uncomfortable.”
“That’s the point,” I say back. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of. People suffer in silence every day because they’ve been told their issue is something to be ashamed of.”
He nods. “Maybe in a bigger city, but here, it won’t go over so well.”
I swallow. I want to feel angry, offended. Something. But nothing comes up. I stare at Mr. Weebly blankly and blink. “Okay.”
“You want to bring awareness to something? Write about how walking along the mountain trails can be heart-healthy.”
I move my head up and down. “Okay.”
He leans forward. “Are you sure you’re all right, Haley? Maybe you should take the rest of the day off, gather your thoughts and come back tomorrow, well rested with a clear head.”
Another nod. “Okay. I should.” I stand and turn toward the door. “Thanks,” I say, forcing a smile. I go back to my desk, finish the article I’m working on, then leave without a word to anyone. Shondra calls after me as I hurry through the lobby, but I don’t slow, don’t stop and turn around. I need out of here.
I sink into the driver’s seat of the Jeep. My body shudders with a sob, but there are no tears left. I stick the keys in the ignition and start the car.
My phone rings on the drive home. My purse is on the floor behind me and I can’t get to it. I’m not anxious to get it anyway. It’s Lori checking in on me, and I don’t want to fake another laugh and lie to her, telling her I’m sad but okay.
I’m not okay, not at all. And I never will be.
I change into jeans, boots, and a t-shirt as soon as I get home. If I stick to my mental to-do list, I can get through the day. I close my eyes. The list. First thing is Phoenix. I left her Dutch door open this morning, giving her the option to stay in and out of the sun or go outside. She’s still in her stall. I treat her wounds, then sit in the stall with her, resting my head on my knees.
I long for Aiden’s arms to wrap around me. I shake my head at myself. His fake embrace means nothing. My throat tightens. I will not cry. He is not worth another tear. He never loved me. He’s a liar, a liar who promised he’d never leave me, never hurt me.
He did all that and more, and I will never be the same.
Phoenix shuffles closer. “I’m not going anywhere,” I tell her. “I’m so sorry. I haven’t been here for you—again—like I should. You and me, we’re destined to crawl through hell. But I won’t give up on you, Phoenix. Not now, not ever. This is your second chance, and I’m going to make sure I give it to you.”
She presses her muzzle into my neck. I wrap my arms around her head and hold her, tears pooling in my eyes. We stay like that for a minute before she pulls away and eats her hay. She eats a bowl of grain that I give her, then turns and slowly walks out of her stall, joining the other horses in the pasture.
All she needs is to know that someone is here for her and has faith in her. Not having someone to love you, someone to fight for you and tell you they believe in you, makes you feel like the struggle isn’t worth it. I lost my fighter, but she didn’t lose hers.
I go inside and sigh, looking at the bills I tossed on the counter. They aren’t going to go away, and ignoring them doesn’t make my payment any smaller. I grab one from Dr. Wells’ office and tear it open. My hands shake as I unfold it, scared to see the damage and knowing that I have nowhere near the funds to pay it off.
“What?” I say aloud when I scan the bill. “That can’t be right.” I blink and stare at the zeros. I check the date and make sure this is current. It has to be a mistake. There’s no way I owe nothing. Dr. Wells cuts me a break, but I at least have to pay cost for the supplies, and the last time I checked, I owed several thousand dollars.
But this…this is saying I owe nothing at all. It hits me, and my breath catches in my chest, my eyes blurring with tears. I bring my hand to my broken heart, pain ripping me open.
Aiden.
I sink down onto the kitchen floor and clutch the bill, holding it as if I’m somehow holding on to him. I miss him so much it hurts. A sob bubbles up from deep inside, and I crumple up the bill and throw it across the room. He left me. He walked away. He hurt me and broke my heart, even when he promised he wouldn’t.
Couldn’t he leave me alone? Give me a chance to pick up the broken pieces and move on before he shoves himself back into my life. Doing this hurt. Only giving me a piece of him, just enough to make me miss him, to make me long for him, is cruel.
I want to hate him. I want to scream his name in anger, cursing the day I met him. But I don’t. I can’t. What I want is him back here, his arms around me, telling me things are going to be okay and that he’s here.
I lean forward, crying so hard my body shakes. How could he do this to me? How could he make me fall headfirst and catch me, lifting me up and making me feel loved before throwing me off the cliff? I wish I could hate him.
I can never hate him. I’m still in love with him.
“Come on,” I call to Chrissy, looking for her black shape through the dark night. The full moon is hidden behind clouds. I just got done in the barn. The horses were brushed, fed, and happily munching on hay when I left them for the night. I don’t want to go inside and be alone. I stayed out as late as I could, trying to keep busy and not think about Aiden paying the vet bill for me.
Why? Why would he do something so kind? He doesn’t care, obviously. If he cared, he’d be here. Hell, if he were a fucking decent human being, he’d at least offer me a reason for why he just vanished.
I get into the house then remember my purse is still in the back seat of the Jeep. I grab it, feeling around inside for my phone. I need to call Lori back before she gets worried and drives all the way over here. I press the home button, and the screen lights up the dark garage. I have three missed calls and a voicemail; two are from Lori and one is from Aiden.