Ford, in the role of Han Solo, says this to C-3PO, who has just informed him: “Sir, the possibility of successfully navigating an asteroid field is approximately 3,720 to 1.” The line comes from the fifth episode in George Lucas’s Star Wars series.
Never let pride be your guiding principle.MORGAN FREEMAN, in a 1991 Essence magazine profile
Never give up; and never, under any circumstances,
no matter what—never face the facts.RUTH GORDON
In general, ignoring the facts is a questionable strategy, but there are some occupations—such as acting—where the competition is so stiff and success so unlikely that a certain amount of denial might actually be helpful. Marlo Thomas once said similarly: “Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
Never say never.
Say never about something and life will spit it right back at you.MELANIE GRIFFITH, as Dora DuFran, in the
1995 CBS made-for-TV movie Buffalo Girls
(teleplay by Cynthia Whitcomb)
Whitcomb based her script on Larry McMurtry’s 1990 novel Buffalo Girls, streamlining—and I think, improving—some of his words in the process. In the book, the passage goes this way: “Well, you shouldn’t say you’ll never do something,” Dora told her. “Say it and life will spit it back at you.”
Never joke about a woman’s hair, clothes, or menstrual cycle.JOHN HANNAH, to Gwyneth Paltrow,
in the 1998 film Sliding Doors
(screenplay by Peter Howitt)
Early in the film, the character James Hammerton (John Hannah) notices that Helen Quilley (Paltrow) is sporting a new haircut. After he says, “Haircut suits you, by the way,” Helen demurs. To prove his compliment was genuine, he says, “No, it does, it does. No gag.” He then adds the never joke line to bolster his claim of sincerity.
When I left home, my father gave me some very sound advice.
Never trust a man who can’t look you in the eye.
Never talk when you can listen.
And never spend venture capital on a limited partnership
without a detailed analytical fiduciary prospectus.WOODY HARRELSON, as bartender Woody Boyd,
in a 1986 episode of the TV sitcom Cheers
Never let them see you bleed.DESMOND LLEWELYN, to Pierce Brosnan,
in the 1999 James Bond film The World Is Not Enough
(screenplay by Neal Purvis, Robert Wade & Bruce Fierstein)
This line may have been inspired by Never let ’em see you sweat, which we discussed in the classic neverisms chapter. It occurs in the following dialogue between Q (Llewelyn), and Agent 007 (Brosnan):Q: I’ve always tried to teach you two things. First, never let them see you bleed. . . . Bond: And the second?Q: Always have an escape plan.
In seven James Bond films from 1963 to 1973, Llewellyn played the role of Q, the head of the fictional research and development lab of the British Secret Service. Q’s lab was often referred to as “the gadget lab,” for all the ingenious inventions that Bond used to extricate himself from dangerous situations.
Never keep a customer waiting and never let one get away.GEORGE LLOYD, as the character Dobson, in the 1949 film
Bandit King of Texas (screenplay by Olive Cooper)
Never show yourself to be insecure.RONALD NEAME, advice to directors
Neame was a respected filmmaker, the director of such films as The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie (1968) and The Poseidon Adventure (1972). He was a noted cinematographer and producer as well, but he was speaking as a director here. He introduced his neverism this way: “Remember, no matter how young you are, you are a father figure.”
Three things to remember when you get older:
Never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard-on,
and never trust a fart.JACK NICHOLSON, in the 2007 film The Bucket List
(screenplay by Justin Zackham)
Nicholson, in the role of the caustic and self-absorbed billionaire Edward Cole, offers this thought to his smart-alecky assistant, Tom (Sean Hayes, of Will and Grace fame). Tom, who has a testy relationship with his boss, replies, “Thanks, I’ll try to keep that in mind as I approach decrepitude.”
Never rub another man’s rhubarb.JACK NICHOLSON, in Tim Burton’s 1989 film Batman
(screenplay by Sam Hamm & Warren Skaaren)
Nicholson, in the role of The Joker, says this to Bruce Wayne (Michael Keaton) just after shooting him for making a pass at his girlfriend, Vicki Vale (Kim Basinger). It was the first time American filmgoers had heard the expression, but The Joker’s meaning was apparent: “Never mess with another man’s woman.” In English sexual slang since the late 1800s, rhubarb has been used as a term for a man’s penis or a woman’s vagina.
Never confuse the audience with the critics.ROBERT PRESTON, as playwright Alex Dennison,
in Rehearsal for Murder (1982)
(screenplay by Richard Levinson & William Link)
Never revisit the past, that’s dangerous.ROBERT REDFORD
This was Redford’s response in 2005 when asked by Harry Smith of CBS’s The Morning Show if a future movie with Paul Newman would be a good way to revisit the past. He added: “You know, move on.”
Never assume you’ll be turned down.JOAN RIVERS, on how to approach auditions
My dad gave me a few words of advice that I’ve always tried to live by.
He said, “Son, never throw a punch at a redwood tree.”TOM SELLECK, as Thomas Magnum,
recalling advice from his father,
in a 1982 Magnum, P.I. episode
I learned from the folks at www.magnum-mania.com that Selleck offered this line as a narration to the audience in the last episode of the 1982 season (“Three Minus Two,” written by Robert Van Scoyk). In the scene, Magnum is confronted by a big security guard named “Ox.” Just after Magnum recalls his father’s words, he is punched squarely in the face by “Ox.” In the brawl that ensues, though, Magnum ultimately prevails.
Ha, ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders.
The most famous is:
“Never get involved in a land war in Asia.”
But only slightly less well-known is this:
“Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!”WALLACE SHAWN, to Cary Elwes,
in Rob Reiner’s 1987 film The Princess Bride