Never leave the house without an umbrella . . . or with one.
It’s your choice.STEPHEN COLBERT, in his 2007 book
I Am America (And So Can You)
Never drink black coffee at lunch;
it will keep you awake in the afternoon.JILLY COOPER, in How to Survive from Nine to Five (1970)
Never Make the First Offer (Except When You Should)DONALD DELL, title of his 2009 guide
to effective negotiating, written with John Boswell
Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.NORMAN DOUGLAS
Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn’t be done.AMELIA EARHART, attributed
This is one of Earhart’s most frequently quoted observations, even appearing on her official tribute website. It’s a wonderful thought, but has not been found in her works.
Never cook with wine bought at a grocery store and labeled “cooking wine.”ESQUIRE MAGAZINE EDITORS, in The Rules:
A Man’s Guide to Life (2005)
Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he offers you candy.LINDA FESTA
Never listen to what I say; listen to what I mean.SUE FIEDLER
Never lend books, for no one ever returns them;
the only books I have in my library
are books that other folks have lent me.ANATOLE FRANCE
A Code of Honor:
Never approach a friend’s girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal.BRUCE JAY FRIEDMAN
This comes from Friedman’s The Lonely Guy’s Guide to Life, a 1978 book that inspired Steve Martin’s 1984 film The Lonely Guy (screenplay by Neil Simon). After offering this high-minded code, Friedman wryly added: “There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she’s really attractive.” In his book, Friedman also offered another admonition that is very similar in structure:Never be possessive. If a female friend lets on that she is going out with another man, be kind and understanding. If she says she would like to go out with the Dallas Cowboys, including the coaching staff, the same rule applies. Tell her: “Kath, you just go right ahead and do what you feel is right.” Unless you actually care for her, in which case you must see to it that she has no male contact whatsoever.
Never make forecasts, especially about the future.SAMUEL GOLDWYN
Like Yogi Berra, Goldwyn fought a constant battle with the intricacies of the English language, often creating his own examples of inadvertent oxymoronica. Known as “Goldwynisms,” they include such classics as, “Include me out,” “I can give you a definite perhaps,” and “A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.”
Never try to sleep.PETER HAURI & SHIRLEY LINDE
This counterintuitive advice appeared in No More Sleepless Nights (1990), a self-help sleep guide. Hauri, the director of the Mayo Clinic Insomnia Program, and his coauthor, a bestselling medical writer, explained: “‘If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again’ may work in many areas of life, but it doesn’t work at all in sleep.”
Never debate the undebatable.JAY HEINRICHS, in Thank You for Arguing (2007)
Heinrichs described this as “Argument’s Rule Number One” in his book, subtitled What Aristotle, Lincoln, and Homer Simpson Can Teach Us About the Art of Persuasion. In attempting to persuade others to a point of view, he was offering time-honored advice: keep focused on the goal and never get sidetracked by extraneous issues.
Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap;
it will be dear to you.THOMAS JEFFERSON
This was the last of four neverisms in A Decalogue of Canons for Observation in Practical Life (the first three were discussed earlier in the politics & government chapter). “Dear” in this instance doesn’t mean something one cherishes, but something that will eventually cost you, or become expensive.
Never criticize Americans.
They have the best taste that money can buy.MILES KINGTON
Most people would say that good taste is something that cannot be purchased, so in this remark, the popular British columnist was taking an ironic swipe at Americans—and their belief that money can buy anything.
Never give the same speech once.HARVEY B. MACKAY, in Swim with the Sharks
Without Being Eaten Alive (1988)
Instead of creating a speech for every new occasion, and wasting valuable time in the process, Mackay recommended giving an existing winning speech to a new audience.
Never lose faith in your doubts.MARY MAGGI
Never get a mime talking. He won’t stop.MARCEL MARCEAU
Never underexaggerate.ALAN MYNALL, quoting his father, Dennis Mynall
Growing up, English artist Alan Mynall said he often heard this admonition from his father. Of the advice—which turns the saying never overexaggerate on its head—Mynall said: “In two words, he offered probably the most subtle philosophy and potent advice ever given to a son.”
Never lend any money to anybody unless they don’t need it.OGDEN NASH, a rule for bankers,
in The Face Is Familiar (1954)
Never believe anybody who says you can trust him implicitly.PATRICIA T. O’CONNER, in Woe Is I: The Grammarphobe’s
Guide to Better English in Plain English (2009)
This appeared in a section where O’Connor recommended giving the death sentence to certain clichés, like “trust implicitly.”
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.P. J. O’ROURKE, in Modern Manners: An
Etiquette Guide for Rude People (1983)
This bit of twisted but clever logic appeared in a section called “Code of a Gentleman.” In a section on “drinking etiquette,” O’Rourke offered yet another paradoxical rule:
Never refuse wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion
that anyone who doesn’t drink must be an alcoholic.
Never live in the past; there’s no future in it.KALMAN PACKOUZ (with an assist from Charles Shores)
The first thing you do is to forget that I’m Black.Second, you must never forget that I’m Black.PAT PARKER
This fascinating couplet comes from Parker’s 1978 poem “For the White Person Who Wants to Know How to Be My Friend.” In the original poem “I’m” was rendered as “i’m.” To avoid confusion, I’ve taken the liberty of presenting it in the standard manner.