Anna shook her head. ‘This hurt is never going to go away, Jack,’ she said. She put her hands on his chest and gently pushed him back. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I still get weepy.’ She forced a smile and wiped her eyes with a tea towel. ‘Go and sit down in the front room. I’ll bring in your coffee.’
Nightingale sat down and waited for her. There was a wedding photograph on the mantelpiece, and next to it a family photograph. Robbie, Anna and the three girls. Nightingale stared at the photograph and shook his head. ‘You stupid, stupid bastard,’ he whispered.
Anna came in with two mugs of coffee. She put them on the table in front of Nightingale then sat down next to him. ‘Sorry about that,’ she said.
‘Anna, you don’t have to apologise to me for anything.’ He picked up the mug and sipped his coffee. ‘How is everything? Money’s come through all right?’
She nodded. ‘The Federation has been a great help, and Superintendent Chalmers has been around twice since the funeral.’ She smiled at the frown that flashed across Nightingale’s face. ‘I know you and Chalmers have a history, but he’s been really helpful and supportive. A real rock.’
‘I didn’t think he had much time for Robbie. To be honest, I don’t think Chalmers cares about anyone other than himself.’
‘Robbie never liked him, and certainly didn’t respect him as a copper. But ever since the accident he’s been a godsend. The last time he just sat on the sofa and drank tea and listened to me for more than an hour. At one point he was close to tears.’
Nightingale wanted to say something sarcastic but he could see that Anna was serious. He wondered if he’d misjudged the superintendent. Maybe the problem that he had with the man was a total one-off, and to the rest of the world he was sweetness and light.
‘Did he say anything about me?’
Anna shook her head in disbelief. ‘You really do think that the whole bloody world revolves around you, don’t you?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Because you don’t like him and because he was here with me, you naturally assume that we’d be talking about you.’
‘Anna, that’s not it, really.’
‘It’s okay, Jack, I’m not upset. It’s just funny. You’ve always been like that; it’s your way. In your mind you’re the centre of the universe and nothing is ever going to convince you otherwise. So the answer to your question is no, your name didn’t come up.’
‘He’s got it in for me, that’s all.’
‘And you thought what? That he came round here with presents for the girls just to spite you?’ She laughed. ‘Your face,’ she said.
‘What?’
‘You look so shocked. Don’t worry, I’m not getting at you.’
‘I’m sorry, really I am. I didn’t mean to sound petty. But he’s trying to put me away for a murder I didn’t commit.’
Anna looked concerned. ‘Are you serious?’
‘Some drug dealer got shot in the head last summer and he’s convinced that I did it. He keeps hauling me in for questioning.’ He held up his hands. ‘But you’re right. It’s nothing to do with you. Sorry. And fair play to Chalmers, for doing the right thing.’
‘Is that what I am, Jack? The right thing?’
‘That came out wrong,’ he said. ‘My foot just keeps going straight into my mouth these days. I’m sorry.’
‘I’m only teasing you,’ said Anna. ‘I’ve known you long enough to realise that your heart is in the right place.’ She nodded at his coffee. ‘Do you want a biscuit with that? I’ve got some Hobnobs in the kitchen.’
‘I’m fine, thanks.’ He sipped his coffee. ‘I went to Robbie’s grave yesterday.’
‘Why did you do that?’
Nightingale smiled. ‘I took him a drink.’
‘You did what?’
‘I took a bottle of wine. Shared it with him.’
‘You don’t know anything about wine.’
‘I took advice. Chianti. It was okay.’
Anna nodded appreciatively. ‘Robbie was always a big fan of Chianti,’ she said. ‘Good choice.’ She forced a smile. ‘Why did you go, Jack?’
‘You’ll think I’m crazy,’ he said.
‘That’s a given,’ she said. ‘It wasn’t just to take him a bottle of wine, was it?’
‘I wanted to talk to him, and that seemed to be the place to go.’
‘Talk to him? You mean literally have a conversation?’
‘Not literally, no,’ said Nightingale. ‘It’s difficult to explain.’
‘Try.’
Nightingale shrugged. ‘I’ve been under a lot of pressure these last few weeks and in the old days, when I needed to talk something through, it was always Robbie I went to, you know. He was my father confessor.’
‘There’s something you want to confess?’
‘Figure of speech,’ said Nightingale. ‘I just wanted to talk.’
‘I can’t bring myself to go,’ said Anna. ‘The thought of him lying there, in the ground.?.?.’ She shuddered. ‘I’m not sure if I should take the girls either. There I am telling them that Daddy’s in Heaven, then I go to show them a grave and tell them Daddy’s six feet under the ground in a wooden box.’
‘I guess the two aren’t mutually exclusive,’ said Nightingale. ‘The body’s in the grave, the soul is in Heaven.’
Anna sat back on the sofa, a look of surprise on her face. ‘Wow, I’ve never heard you talking about Heaven before. Do you believe that, Jack? Do you believe in Heaven?’
‘I’m starting to,’ he said. ‘Though I guess I’m starting to realise that there might be a Hell and if there’s a Hell then there has to be a Heaven. But I don’t think that angels sit on clouds playing harps all day.’ He drank some coffee. ‘What about you?’
‘Do I believe in Heaven?’ She smiled ruefully and shook her head. ‘Of course not.’ She stopped smiling and looked at him seriously. ‘I wish I did, Jack. Of course I do. I tell the girls that Robbie’s up in Heaven watching us and I can see how that makes them feel better, but in my heart I know it’s not true. It’s simply not possible. Robbie’s dead and that’s the end of it. We have to move on with our lives. That’s easier said than done but that’s the only choice we have. It’s like you said: one day at a time.’
‘Can I ask you something? Something that might sound a bit stupid?’
‘Since when has that stopped you before?’ said Anna. She smiled again. ‘Go on. What?’
Nightingale took a deep breath before replying. ‘Have you ever felt Robbie’s presence? You know, felt that he was here?’
‘All the time,’ she said. ‘But that’s different. That’s just my subconscious trying to make me feel better. I dream about Robbie every night and it’s always as if he is still here. And then for a few seconds when I wake up it’s as if he’s still in bed with me. And I told you about his coat. This is our home so he’s always here, in spirit. That doesn’t mean that I believe in ghosts.’
‘You don’t? You don’t think that your soul lives on after you die?’
‘Jack, what the hell’s happened to you? What’s brought this on?’
Nightingale desperately wanted a cigarette but he knew that Anna didn’t like him smoking in the house. ‘It sounds crazy.’
‘Yes, it does.’ She leaned forward, concern etched into her face. ‘Are you okay?’
‘I’m fine.’
‘You don’t sound fine. Is it because you went to Robbie’s grave?’
‘That’s part of it.’ He shrugged. ‘I don’t know, Anna. I remember at the funeral how I kept looking around to see where he was.’
She shook her head sadly. ‘I was doing the same,’ she said.
‘Everyone who loved him, everyone who worked with him, they were all there. The only one who wasn’t there was Robbie. Except of course he was. In the coffin. But I kept wondering why he wasn’t standing there with us. That doesn’t make sense, does it?’ He put his head in his hands. ‘I’m sorry, I’m rambling.’
‘No you’re not; you’re trying to sort out your feelings. I understand, Jack. I’m going through the same thing myself. It’s how you deal with loss. I lost my husband; you lost your best friend.’ She sighed.
‘And you’re sure that Robbie’s gone for ever? That dead means dead?’