“Like I said, I’ll be ready.”
“Good. See you then.”
After disconnecting the call, Stilwell thought about the tone of Tash’s words and her short answers and he had to admit to himself that he had no idea where the relationship was going. Seventy-two hours earlier, it had felt to him like something that could go the distance. Now he was not sure. Tash was too difficult to read at the moment.
The BSU was located on the ninth floor of the county transportation tower, which sat above Union Station, several blocks from the offices and prying eyes of the sheriff’s headquarters on Temple. At first, the session with Dr. Olga Perez went as he’d expected it would go. She asked stock questions about how he felt about taking a life, and Stilwell gave stock answers, explaining that he had had no choice, that it was a kill-or-be-killed situation and that the safety of an innocent individual had also been at stake. But then the therapist zeroed in on his relationship with that individual and his state of mind in the frantic minutes leading up to the shooting.
“You used the phrase ‘kill or be killed,’” Perez said. “In a situation like that, the body floods with a chemical called epinephrine. It’s a stress hormone that increases clarity, reactions, and brain speed. Decisions that might normally take minutes to make are made in microseconds. Sometimes bad decisions.”
“Are you saying shooting Spivak was a bad decision?” Stilwell asked.
“No, I’m not. As you know, that’s not my call or my purpose today. I’m asking you if you think it was a bad decision. Are you having second thoughts or any trouble with it?”
“None. In the same situation, I’d do it again.”
“Okay. My purpose is also to understand whether you have any residual stress or regret relating to the incident and to make sure you wouldn’t hesitate should such a situation arise again. Hesitation in a deadly confrontation could lead to your own injury or death.”
“I have no regrets about shooting and killing Spivak, okay? My only regret is that I didn’t see him sooner for what he was and realize that everything he did was part of a plan. I knew there was something odd about the assault on the deputy, but I didn’t put it together. That’s on me, but everything that came afterward is on him and I don’t feel bad about how it ended.”
Stilwell and Perez continued the verbal dance around the subject for a half hour longer, and the session ended with Perez saying she would sign off on his return to duty, though she would wait forty-eight hours before doing so. She said she wanted him to take at least that much time off before returning to his job should he clear the other parts of the official investigation without issue.
Back on the road to Pasadena, Stilwell called Tash to tell her that he would pick her up in a half hour.
“How did it go with the shrink?” she asked.
“Good,” Stilwell said. “She’ll take a couple days to write it up, but she said she’ll sign my RTD.”
“What’s an RTD?”
“Return to duty. It means she thinks I’m ready to go back to work.”
“On Catalina?”
“Yeah, of course. You want me to come back there, don’t you?”
“Yes. I was just wondering because you said the mayor told your captain he wants you gone.”
“Yeah, well, the mayor doesn’t get to say. But you’re sure you want me back on the island?”
“Of course.”
“Good. Then I’ll see you in about thirty. You packed my stuff?”
“Doing it now. You’re lucky I’m not going to ‘forget’ to pack your Willie Nelson shirt.”
It was a T-shirt from a Hollywood Bowl concert celebrating Nelson’s ninetieth birthday. Stilwell had loved the concert and loved the shirt, although it had seen better days. He only wore it to sleep in. But Tash was a Swiftie and didn’t care for Willie or the bright red shirt, even though Stilwell pointed out that both performers sang about heartbreak and resilience, just in different ways.
“I’d never forgive you,” Stilwell said, returning her joking tone. “See you soon.”
After disconnecting, he was encouraged. The shot she had taken about Willie Nelson felt like the old Tash coming across the call.
As he drove toward Pasadena he felt that things in his life might be falling back into place.
41
The seas were rough on the Express ride back to Catalina but things were smooth between Stil and Tash. They sat inside and away from the spray and were so engrossed in their conversation that they didn’t bother to get up with all the tourists and go to the stern deck to watch the fleet of porpoises jumping in the boat’s wake. The closer they got to Avalon, the more Stilwell saw the tension ease out of Tash’s face. It was reassuring in the moment, but it also reinforced his belief that a future with this woman meant a future on the island. That was going to be fine in the short term. The island felt like home to him. But he wasn’t sure he liked the idea of the rest of his life being predetermined.
The thrum of the engines and the up-and-down rhythm of the rolling seas helped put him into a pleasant daze as she held his right hand, took one finger at a time, and massaged the joints. She announced that she wanted to cook dinner that night and would go directly from the dock to Vons to pick up groceries if he could handle both their suitcases and his backpack.
“Not a problem,” he said. “Whose place are we going to?”
“Yours,” Tash said.
Another good sign, he thought.
“What are you making?”
“Not sure yet. It’ll be a surprise.”
“Okay. Cool.”
“You know I told Dennis I was taking a few days off. I only promised to be back for the weekend. You want to maybe go camping out at Two Harbors now that you don’t go back on duty till the shrink signs your RTD?”
“Uh, maybe. Yeah, sounds good. When do you want to go?”
“Tomorrow.”
“Uh...”
“What?”
“Just wondering if I’ll need to be around for any final questions from the shooting team. Can I just check in the morning and then we’ll make a plan?”
“Fine.”
Her tone turned cold with that one word. Stilwell didn’t want to lie to her, but he needed to be ready to go back to Long Beach if Juarez was successful in bringing in Terranova.
“They might want me to come over for another sit-down.”
“Why? You’ve told them everything. What more can they ask?”
“That’s how they do it. They make you tell the story over and over at different times to see if you slip and your story changes. It’s going to be done soon, but let me just check with them tomorrow. If we’re camping somewhere and I don’t have cell service, it could be a problem. Technically, even though I’m relieved of duty, I’m supposed to be available to the investigators.”
“What a nightmare.”
Stilwell wanted to stop the cascade of lies and get her back into a positive mood.
“You want to rent a boat and go fishing?” he asked. “Or just stay on land?”
“We can go fishing,” she said. “That’ll be fun.”
“Then we’ll rent a boat. Or we could charter. I know this guy who works on a charter over there.”
“No, just you and me. Maybe just use my kayak and a rental for you.”
“That’s good too.”
It appeared he’d successfully weathered the rough seas of guilt and dishonesty. But like a gambler who wants to make one more bet, Stilwell pushed his whole stack of chips into the pot.
“Can I ask you something?” he said. “It’s work-related.”
“What?” Tash said gamely.
“Do you know who Daniel Easterbrook is? Do you ever deal with him directly?”