I’m a pinprick, a speck, a bee floating and drowning on a pool of black water, surrounded by ever-expanding, concentric rings of silence. I rub my wings together, or do whatever it is bees do that makes a noise, but there’s no buzzing. And no echo either, no sound comes back.
15 October 1940
Today I walked as far as the river. It came on to rain, a sudden downpour. I stood and watched raindrops pocking the surface, rings, bubbles, little spurts of water leaping up. And I thought of Paul’s mother putting bricks in her pockets and wading in and tried to imagine her last moments, bubbles of water escaping from slackened lips, hair swaying to and fro in the currents, like weeds. And an iron band around the chest, the involuntary struggle for breath — and then, nothing. We have to hope: nothing.
Back at the cottage, I took my wet slacks off in front of the fire and my skin was all gray and purple, goosepimply, and I thought why wouldn’t he prefer firm, young flesh? Isn’t that what all men prefer, when you get right down to it?
I miss my house. It’s like grief for a person — an actual physical craving — and yes, I know it’s only bricks and mortar and it shouldn’t matter when every day — or rather every night — so many more important things are being lost. Lives, for God’s sake. And yet I can’t talk myself out of it. There’s a particular place — was a particular place — at the bottom of the basement stairs. You turn left and there’s a small window looking out onto the back garden and it has a cupboard underneath. I used to keep a jug of flowers there. We bought the jug in Deià, very cheap, but beautiful, and the flowers came from the garden in summer, in winter it was twigs and leaves, hemlock, I used to get it from the riverbank here, catkins…Nothing cost more than a few pennies, but in that particular place, at particular times of day — late afternoon when the sun struck the window at a slight angle and shone through the leaves, delineating every vein on every leaf, it was perfection.
One of the things you notice about getting older is that every loss picks the scab off previous losses. The house is gone, so I miss Toby more. Mad, but true. I feel him all the time now — and I hope that doesn’t mean I’m about to join him, because I’m not ready to die just yet.
I think about Violet and her cyanide capsule. She actually offered to get me one, but I said no. I don’t want to go to bed at noon.
16 October 1940
Yesterday I got into such a state of gloom and despondency that in the end I just ran out of patience with myself. So I made myself sit down and open the two portfolios Paul brought back last week.
A lot of drawings from last year and the year before, looking rather dated I thought, but then nothing’s quite so dated as the recent past. A few shelter drawings, one or two of them quite promising — I might work on those, I suppose. There’s one of children queuing outside Warren Street tube station that I rather like, though one of the boys at the front looks exactly like Kenny. I didn’t mean it to, but there he is — the resemblance is unmistakable.
I want to go back to London. I don’t know what stops me, except I feel I need to get Paul’s agreement — consult him at least. I even went up into the loft this morning and got a suitcase down. It’d take me literally minutes to pack. These days I’m like a snaiclass="underline" I carry my house on my back. And though most of the time I feel dreadful, just now and then I get a glimpse of something else, a frisson of something…Lightness. Freedom, I suppose.
But I haven’t put anything into the suitcase yet, and I don’t know what’s holding me back. Partly it’s fear: going back into that nightly horror, but that’s an impersonal fear, shared by everybody. No, I think what I’m really afraid of is being alone, just me, no longer half of a couple. A cold draft blowing down my side where Paul used to be. I don’t feel it so much here, because I’m surrounded by all these relics of my childhood, the before-Paul time. But I know in London I’d feel it badly.
Almost enough to keep me here, but I think not quite.
17 October 1940
Another bright, sunny, gritty day, no wind. Water on the marshes steel blue, reflecting light back at the sky, the reeds a vicious yellow-green, the sort of color you feel can’t possibly occur in nature, but there it is, you’re looking at it.
I came back home to a rare event — a letter, readdressed from the house, of course — just before we left we added our new, separate, addresses to the noticeboard at the end of the street. People don’t write to each other much these days, we’ve all shrunk into our little colonies, the people we see every day, but this was an official letter. And as soon as I saw the Ministry of Information stamp I guessed who it was from. One quick scan of the page, there was his signature: Kenneth Clark, chairman of the War Artists Advisory Committee. Would I…? Could I…? With a view to discussing, etc….Oh, I would, I could. I will, I can. Though I’m going to have to be quick about it, because the interview’s tomorrow morning, the letter having been delayed by the change of address.
If I get a commission — actually, I don’t think there’s much “if” about it, but let’s be cautious — if I get a commission, it’ll be on a painting-by-painting basis. Men — Paul, for example — are salaried; women aren’t. And I’ve got a pretty good idea of what he’ll want me to do — rosy-cheeked children, safely evacuated from the bombed cities, merrily playing on ye olde village greene. There’s a big drive on to get children back into the country, an awful lot of them have gone home. Though we didn’t know it at the time, Kenny was one of thousands. Oh, and land-girls, that’ll be the other thing. Come to think of it, probably mainly land-girls — something about girls’ bums in breeches appeals to the male visual imagination as almost nothing else can — as long as the girl’s young and pretty and the bum not so gigantic it fills the whole canvas.
Still, I don’t mind, as long as I can do the things I really want to do as well. It’ll give me access to materials, and that’s no small thing, these days, because they’re getting awfully expensive, and scarce. And of course I’ve lost a lot of mine. Then there’s the license — I’ll be able to go (almost) anywhere and draw (almost) anything. Status, recognition…I’d love to be able to say they don’t matter, but they do. Hear Kit Neville on the subject!
The interview’s at ten, so by half past I ought to know one way or the other.
Then what? Go to see Paul, I suppose. It’ll feel odd seeing him again in London. I can’t tell him I’m coming — there’s no telephone in the studio — I’ll just have to hope I catch him in.
TWENTY-FOUR
Two or three days later (I could probably work out the date if I really tried but I’ve been awake all night and I can’t bloody well be bothered)
I caught him all right.
But I’m not going to plunge straight into that, because there’s Kenneth Clark and the War Artists Advisory Committee and, arguably, that’s now more important than Paul.