Page 14
It’s Fiction
Dylan left my apartment exactly how he found it. I took a shower, threw my covers back, and slipped into bed wearing nothing but Jamie’s T-shirt. I clutched the note to my chest as I pressed the button to listen to my nightly message. I went sailing today with Chelsea, he said. I thought about your hair whipping across your face, your pink cheeks, and the huge smile you had on your face as we sailed across the bay. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you. I can’t get you out of my mind. I’m always thinking about you.
Me too.
I pressed END and reached down beside the bed to where I had set the note. When I read it again, this time I cried.
Katy, my angel,
I had to go to Portland. My father had a heart attack and they don’t know if he’s going to make it through the night. Please don’t leave. If I can’t get back by tomorrow, I’ll send a car and get you a flight up here. Please, please don’t leave. I have something really important to tell you besides the fact that I am completely in love with you.
—J
In the morning, the note was crumpled up on my chest. I got up and spread it out on the counter. I underlined the last line and then wrote WHY? underneath it. I stuffed it into an envelope and mailed to it the R. J. Lawson Winery. I laughed to myself as I wrote Attn: The Owner. I spent Sunday in my apartment, not moping. I did a yoga video, edited some of Beth’s latest article, and then devoted the afternoon and evening to a marathon of MythBusters, during which I learned that Jack’s death in Titanic was totally unnecessary. Had that selfish bitch, Rose, given up her life jacket to tie under that wooden door, it would have been buoyant enough to hold them both. Damn her. I slid into bed at seven and listened to Jamie’s latest voice mail over and over.
I can still smell you on my pillow. I can still see you standing in my room, the light caressing your smooth legs, your dark hair cascading over your shoulders, and your gorgeous mouth smiling so effortlessly. I miss you. I ache for you, and I’m bordering on crazy without you. Come back to me.
I had to clear my mind, so I called Dylan. “Hello.”
“Did you know Jack’s death in Titanic could have been prevented?”
“That might have been true if Jack were a real person. Are you drunk?”
“No, just bored.”
“Oh.”
“Hey, you want to go up to the roof?”
“I’m about to walk into a movie with Ash.”
“All right,” I said, sullenly.
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah.”
“You want to meet us?”
“Nah, I’ll see you later, buddy.”
Two nights later I found myself in the same position, bored and lonely and watching too much television. After a Law & Order marathon, I found Titanic playing on cable.
“Just put the life jacket under the door. Dammit, Rose, he’s freezing!” I yelled at the TV before bursting into tears. I cried through the last twenty minutes of the movie. I even cried when old Rose tossed the Heart of the Ocean overboard. I called Beth but her phone went straight to voice mail. “Beth, it’s me. You don’t need to call me back.” I sniffled. “I just don’t understand why Rose threw the necklace overboard. I’ve never understood that.” I hiccupped and then my phone beeped. Without looking at the caller ID, I immediately clicked over.
“Hello,” I said, my voice shaky.
“Baby?” His smooth, rich tone floated through the receiver and sent a blast of warmth all the way down my spine to my toes.
“Jamie?”
“Hi, Katy.” His voice sounded different. I could hear hope in it. He must have gotten my note. “I just called to say good night.”
“Oh.”
“What’s wrong? You sound sad.”
I started laughing through my tears. “I was watching Titanic.”
He chuckled. There was an awkwardness to our conversation. “I think they could have made the piece of wood fit for two, don’t you?”
“Absolutely.”
I laughed some more. “Had Jack been a computer engineering prodigy, maybe they could have figured out a solution.”
“Maybe,” he said unenthusiastically, and then changed the subject. “ ‘Why’ is an easy question to answer. I could have written a thousand pages on my feelings, but I didn’t. I hope it will be enough to convince you when you get it. I’m sorry again for everything I put you through.”
“I’m sorry, too,” I said quietly. “Jamie, why are you so desperate to run from your past?”
“I’m not. I’ve just changed a lot from the time I was sixteen. I’m not that kid anymore. I don’t want to sit around and play video games. That’s what it was to me, a game.”
“I don’t know how we could make it work. We barely spent four days together, and every minute of it was under false pretenses. I’m not even sure I want a relationship.”
“What we had wasn’t false. That was me. That was the most real version of me. I felt more like myself, more content, confident, and happy when I was with you than any other time in my life. I just wish I could have been up front.”
“Why weren’t you?”
“I was scared. I didn’t expect to fall so hard for you. From the moment I met you, I couldn’t stay away. You were the one person I tried to avoid, but once I saw you, you were all I could think about, and everything else just got mixed up in it. I always planned to tell you the truth but I wanted you to know the real me first. I didn’t want you thinking about the article and my past while we were getting to know each other. Almost everything I told you was true.”
“Except for who you really are. That’s a big one.”
“You know the real me. We’ll get through this, and you’ll learn to trust me. I know you feel the way I do or you wouldn’t be sitting on the phone with me now.”
“You’re pretty confident about that, aren’t you? Is that why you keep calling?”
“No, I just can’t get rid of my thoughts of you. I don’t fucking want to. I used to think people shouldn’t need each other, but I need you, Kate. So we only spent four days together. What does that even mean?” He started to raise his voice. “I knew in five fucking minutes that I had to know you, that I needed you in my life. I’ve never felt that way about anyone, ever. Whatever happens will be up to you, but I’ll be a different man if I can’t have you. I will never breathe as deeply as I did when I was with you. I’ll never see the range of color on a perfectly cloudless sky. I will never smell anything as sweet as you or hear a voice that fills my heart up as much as yours does. That night in my truck, when I had the low, I knew without a doubt, even though I had never been in love before . . . I knew that I was in love with you.”
“Jamie, please.” I could barely speak.
“I’ll do anything.”
“I have a life in Chicago.
“I’ll move there,” he said instantly.
“You can’t.”
“Yes, I can.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“You will, I promise.” We both went silent for several seconds, and then he said, “Night, angel.”
“Good night.”
At two o’clock in the morning, I woke up sweating. I’d had the dream again. This time Rose didn’t struggle to speak. Her voice was musical. Take care of each other. She said it the same way she had before. In this version of the dream, I looked down at my neck and could see the necklace Jamie had given me shining brightly. So bright that it looked like the light was coming from the necklace itself. I could hear two sets of heartbeats. When I put my hand over my heart, I felt arms wrapping around me from behind. I looked back and up to Jamie’s face. He held me passionately, but his attention was on Rose. I focused on his lips as he mouthed the words Forever, I promise.