Love,
Ethan
My chest heaved up and down and my heart beat violently against my chest as my eyes lingered on the words, “Love, Ethan.” Had he really been a part of my past? But why didn’t he tell me?
I took a deep breath to steady my nerves before I returned to the first entry of the journal. With my stomach in knots and my skin prickling with excitement and fear, I began to read the journal I had written to Ethan almost twenty years ago.
September 7, 1995
Dear Ethan,
Happy birthday to us! I hope you like the Power Rangers cards I got you. Thank you for this journal. I love it! I promise I'm going to write in it all the time! It’s the best birthday gift. I can’t believe I’m ten now, and you’re twelve! Now you can’t tease me for being a baby, right?
You are my very best friend. I hope you know that. I am happy you are here. You make me laugh and you always know how to make be me feel better. Like today at my birthday party, when Mr. Robbins brought over some special punch that he said was only for the adults. My mom got really upset when my dad fell on the ground when we were eating cake, and she blamed it on the punch. She said he fell off the wagon. I don’t know what that means, but they had a fight after everyone left, and it was the first time I’ve seen them yelling at each other like that. I ran over to your house, and you made me feel better. You even made me your special sandwich with the peanut butter, banana, and bacon. You’re right, they do taste like Heaven (but to be honest, I don’t know what Heaven is suppose to be like). It was delicious and it did make me feel better.
Okay, it’s time for bed. I see your light is off in your room already, so you must be asleep already. Sweet dreams, Ethan. I will see you tomorrow.
Love,
Liv
My eyes were full of tears when I read the entry. Ethan was my childhood best friend. It took me a moment to let the idea sink.
I went back to the journal and continued reading. After some time, I got to a journal entry that caught my eye.
August 31, 1996
Dear Ethan,
I just said goodbye to you a few minutes ago. I had so much fun today at the state fair. I’m still so full from the hot dogs you challenged me to eat. I just couldn’t finish the third one. My stomach would have burst! I can’t believe you ate 6! Sandy says that you’ll get fat if you eat like that. But I think she’s lying because she’s your sister and you said sisters are mean sometimes. But don’t worry. Even if you get fat, it’ll be okay. I’ll still be your best friend and let you eat all the hot dogs you want.
Oh and you were right, opening my eyes during the roller coaster ride made it less scary. You’re so smart. Are you proud of me? I kept my eyes open the entire time and I didn’t feel scared at all. But I knew you were there next to me to protect me, so that helped.
It’s so hot tonight! The air conditioning broke down in our house when I got home tonight. They had another fight, and I heard my dad slam the door and drive off. I hope he will be okay. Last time he drove off late at night, he came back really late and parked the car on the lawn. My mom was mad about that. I hope he doesn’t do that this time.
Okay, it’s almost time for bed. I will see you tomorrow. :)
Love,
Liv
“So he was in that roller coaster flashback…he was the one that told me to open my eyes.” I felt my chest full of emotion as I continued reading. The more I read, the more I realized how much of an impact Ethan had to my childhood.
Then another memory made me smile because I remembered it from a flashback I had.
July 28, 1997
Dear Ethan
Thank you for making today a good day. I was so scared and sad when my dad came home drunk again. My arm still hurts from when he grabbed me when they were fighting. Thank you for being there for me and taking me to your special place in the meadow. It was so pretty there. I could lie under those stars holding your hand forever.
And guess what???
I had my first kiss tonight! Can you believe it?
Well, of course you can, you were there. :) (You always told me you liked how silly I was, so there you go.)
So I’m grinning right now just thinking of the way you kissed me. You were holding my hands, and you asked me to be your girlfriend. :)
I was so happy.
Okay, it’s time for bed. Good night, Ethan. Sweet dreams (about me, of course). :)
Love,
Liv
With my heart full of warmth and my eyes full of tears, I continued reading. It wasn’t long before I reached the last entry in the journal. I felt a sense of sadness that it was the last entry I was going to read.
November 2, 1997
Dear Ethan,
Do you remember this journal? You gave me it to me on my 10th birthday. It was the best gift I've ever gotten in my life. I’ve written in it almost every day for the last two years.
I’m so so so sad that I'm moving today. I wish my mom and dad weren't getting a divorce. I wish I didn't have to leave you. What if today might be the last time I’ll see you. That makes me so sad. It scares me too. Why is life so unfair? Will you miss me?
Ethan, you’ve been my very best friend since I moved in next door when I was three. You were always there for me, protecting me when I was scared, making me laugh when I was sad, and being there with me when I was lonely. That’s why the entries are all addressed to you, because I feel the most comfortable telling you all my secrets.
Now that I’m moving, I want to give this journal back to you because I want you to read it. I’ve filled these pages with all my deepest thoughts, and I want you to keep it with you so you can always remember me. Did you know that every entry talks about you because you have been a part of every happy moment of my life since we met?
I will miss you so much. Best friends forever and ever. Please don't forget about me. I promise I won't forget you. Cross my heart.
Xoxo,
Liv
Tears poured down my face when I finished reading everything. “He was my childhood best friend,” I whispered. “This is why he always felt familiar. This is why I always felt a connection with him.”
“Liv? Are you okay?” Anna popped her head in the living room. She had left me alone to read through the note and journal.
I nodded and wiped some tears from my cheeks. I told Anna about the card and journal.
“That’s crazy.” Anna shook her head in amazement. “You’ve mentioned a childhood love you had before but you never told me a name.”
“I have?” I looked at her in surprise. “What did I say?”
She tried to think back. “Well this was before you met Connor and we had just started hanging out regularly. We were talking about relationships and you said that you’ve been in love a few times, but that nothing compared to your first love when you were eleven or twelve. You told me that you and your mom had to move away and stay with her parents in New Jersey.”