"Very well," I said. "Six days."
Some things couldn't be put off forever. I went to my temple to collect some of the things I'd need for the journey – and found Ichtaca, waiting for me in the courtyard with his arms crossed over his bare torso.
"Acatl-tzin." His voice had the edge of broken obsidian.
I'd been putting our discussion off ever since the Imperial Audience, but I couldn't in all decency continue to ignore him. "Let's find a quiet place," I said.
The quiet place turned out to be the same room where I'd prepared for the hunt of the beast of shadows. Dried blood still stained the ground: the faded remnants of my quincunx, not completely subsumed into the earth.
Ichtaca sat cross-legged on the ground, looking up at me, but say ing nothing.
"You wanted to speak to me?" I said.
Ichtaca didn't move. I sat cross-legged in front of him; and we watched each other like a pair of jaguars after the same prey. Finally Ichtaca sighed. "Things have to change, Acatl-tzin."
"You've been angry at me," I said. "For not attending the Imperial Court?"
Ichtaca didn't speak for a while. He lowered his eyes to the ground, traced a line in the earth with his index fingers. "No," he said. "At least, not in the way that you would understand it."
That was more words than we'd ever exchanged. "You wanted the temple," I said, groping for reasons for his iniquity. "To be High Priest yourself?"
Ichtaca smiled. "You should know, Acatl-tzin. A Fire Priest for the main temple, no matter how competent, doesn't rise to that level – not so quickly, not without favour."
"I still don't understand–" I said, feeling more and more ill at ease.
"I'm Fire Priest of this temple. I see to its daily business," Ichtaca said. "I know my place. But you do not."
Whatever I'd expected, it wasn't such a reproach. "You–"
"You're High Priest," Ichtaca said. He raised his eyes, to look directly at me. "Head of the whole order. But you pass through this temple like a shadow."
What was he talking about? "I'm not sure…"
Ichtaca put both hands on the ground. "Listen to me," he said. "Then you can expel me from here, if that's what you want."
He and I both knew I couldn't really demote him. Ichtaca was only half-lying when he said his appointment hadn't been politicaclass="underline" one did not become Fire Priest of a temple in the Sacred Precinct randomly, or even through talent. "Go on," I said, although I liked this conversation less and less.
"You have priests," Ichtaca said. "They serve, and do the vigils and the proper sacrifices. In return, they expect something from you."
I still didn't see what he wanted.
"You're High Priest," Ichtaca said. "Responsible for all of them. I run this temple, but you keep it together."
"I can't–"
"If you don't know the proper ways, I or someone else will show you, or replace you. If you don't want to attend the Imperial Audience, I can go. But you cannot detach yourself from what we do."
"I do the vigils," I said finally, still surprised that he'd judge me. I had not paid enough attention to him, seeing him as part of responsibilities I didn't want to accept. My mistake.
Ichtaca shook his head. The conch-shell around his neck clinked, softly, against his necklace of jade. "This isn't about vigils. It's about–" He pushed both hands into the ground, obviously frustrated at his inability to find the right words. He said, finally, "Someone has to stand for what we do. Someone has to make us into more than individual priests: into the clergy of Mictlantecuhtli."
"I'm not a leader," I said.
"Then be a figurehead," Ichtaca said. He sounded – not angry, but desperate. "Most priests in this temple haven't even seen your face. You keep to your house. You keep to yourself. It can't work. If all you wanted was this, you should have stayed in Coyoacan."
"Understand this," I said, annoyed now. "I didn't ask to be posted here. I wanted to stay in Coyoacan." Doing what I had always done: caring for the small, the forgotten; those who could not attain the glorious ends of warriors, but who would still be mourned.
Ichtaca made a grimace. Plainly, he didn't believe me. "It's a political appointment."
"Yes," I snapped. "The Guardian campaigned for it."
"You had to–"
"Refuse? How do you refuse an Imperial Edict?"
He knew, as I well did, that you couldn't.
Ichtaca was silent for a while. "You may not have wanted it, but it doesn't change anything. Everyone needs someone to look up to, and you're not filling this space."
"I can't," I said. "You know I can't."
Ichtaca's face tightened. "Be there. In this temple. Know what goes on. Speak to everyone, offering priest or novice priest. I can do the rest."
"And that's all you want?"
"No," Ichtaca said. "I want you to lead us. But it will have to do, for the time being."
"That's not…"
"It is possible," Ichtaca said.
"Not right now," I said, obscurely embarrassed. "I have to leave on a journey."
Ichtaca's face didn't move, but I knew the expression. Disappointment. Anger. It was the one Father had borne all his life; and even in the blankness of death I'd still seen it engraved on his face.
"When I come back…" I said.
Ichtaca smiled, half-sadly, half-angrily. He didn't believe me. And I couldn't blame him. But I'd never been meant for this place, for this function. Everything in this temple confirmed that I was just a fraud.
If only I could resign. But it wasn't a possibility.
"I'll be gone for six days," I said.
Ichtaca smiled, though there was no joy in it. "On an official journey?"
"No, not quite," I said, embarrassed. "It has to do with Priestess Eleuia."
Ichtaca pursed his lips. I didn't like the light that had come into his eyes. "It's an official journey, then. Take two of the priests with you."
"But–"
"I won't let it be said that our High Priest has no escort when he goes on temple business."
He looked at me: like Teomitl, waiting for me to defy him, to contradict his authority. Knowing that I couldn't. "Very well," I said. "I'll take the priests. We'll talk about the rest when I come back."
I was once more avoiding confrontation, but there was no other way. Huei had to be avenged; and I had to understand who was threatening Neutemoc, who was threatening Mihmatini and my nephews and nieces.
Because they were the only priests I knew, I asked Ezamahual and Palli to come with us. Both of them looked surprised by the request. In fact, knowing their taste for staying inside the temple, I would have expected them to refuse. But of course, no one could refuse their High Priest.