“About tonight … ”
He shook his head. “Don’t do that.”
“What?”
“Don’t plan to move backwards. I’ve thought about this for a long time.” He glanced over at Jonas when he said it.
“You know it isn’t a good idea.” She would die, and then where would he be?
“I tried to say something to you once a long time ago,” he said. “The beginning of ninth grade. I wrote you a note in your Shakespeare book. I even wrote it in iambic pentameter. It was so lame now in hindsight. And embarrassing. I’m glad you didn’t read it.”
“What did it say?”
“What do you think it said?”
“I don’t know. I never got the note.”
“Of course not. You lent your book to Becca Blackman, and then I had to fight her off because she thought I wrote it for her.”
“Then why did you date her?”
“Because the day Becca walked up and asked me out, you stood there and said nothing. You smiled like you didn’t care.”
“What was I supposed to do? Pull her hair?”
Chase shook his head. “It wasn’t the right time anyway. I should have known better.”
“Why do you always think you need to be so perfect?”
Chase twisted the knob to the volume of the radio. “What, buddy?” he asked.
Jonas stirred in the front seat. He turned to look at her, smiling. “Al-ex.”
“Hey, Jo.”
Jonas poked his brother’s cheek. “Isn’t she the prettiest girl you’ve ever seen in your life?”
Chase’s hands were suddenly tight on the wheel. He gave one stiff nod of his head.
Jonas flopped back against his seat. “Alex, will you marry me?” he said sappily and began to laugh hysterically. Then he was asleep again.
The silence was brutal. “I’m sorry,” she heard Chase whisper, but she didn’t know if he was talking to her or to Jonas.
That was the last time she saw any of them alive.
20
Chase was to be escorted directly to Brigitta. Kaleb and Jonas bolted from the field without hesitation, and Gabe followed suit, shoving his books into his bag with the vigor of a shoplifter. The group remained uncommonly quiet while they rushed to the tower. Questions bubbled frantically in Alex’s mind, and she feared if she opened her mouth to unclog her voice those questions would boil over. They’d surely sear someone, probably Jonas.
There was little relief back at Brigitta. Chase was nowhere to be found, and after an hour of keeping a nervous vigil in the vestibule, Alex had had enough of the thumb-twiddling and nail-biting. She said goodnight to the boys and grudgingly began the dizzying ascent to the seventh floor. Strangely enough, the higher she climbed, the more at ease she felt.
There was a big difference between walking toward something and walking away from something, and her intuition suggested the former.
The door to her room was already open, waiting. The top of the frame dipped low as though the doorway itself was smiling. She immediately felt Chase and hurried inside, her heart racing. He stood on the balcony, leaning against the railing, and the boyishly handsome guilt that plagued his angelic face sent a throbbing ache through her damaged heart. She had witnessed the expression so many times before. It served as a reminder of every act of mischief in which they’d been caught, of every time she’d noticed him staring at her when he thought she wasn’t looking. It was a mere taste of the smorgasbord of things she’d missed, things she assumed she’d never have the privilege of seeing again.
The intensity of it all was too much. Alex seemed to be moving in slow motion as she collapsed. Chase rushed forward, and whatever caught her—his presence, his energy, his projection—was strong enough to send volts of electricity through every part of her. It was equally jarring and riveting. Alex heard a loud pop followed by tiny clangs, and shards of glass rained down from the sconce above them. The light bulb had burst.
Holding her close, Chase nuzzled into the nape of her neck which erupted in pleasant chills. Everything around them seemed to blur. It was only them, and death had never beleaguered them at all. She burned in bittersweet happiness, and for a second she waited for impossible tears, knowing they could never suffice the feelings she felt at this point anyway. She looked upward, mouthing a “thank you” for each time she had wished for this moment. He was here. She could see him. She could feel him.
This one moment alone was worth her seat in Heaven.
Chase finally let go with one arm and stared at her. She’d so often wondered lately what it would be like to touch him here in death, and for him to touch her. She worried it wouldn’t be the same. But it was better. Here she could feel the force of the emotion. A faint ribbon of smoke curled around them, the heat of their energy contrasting with the temperature of the room.
“How,” he whispered, “do I begin a conversation I never thought I’d get the chance to have, but one I’ve thought about every day?” His eyes never stilled, tracing and retracing her face. “In my mind, I never went over the beginning. For the longest time, I just keep asking myself how this could happen to us.”
“Chase,” Alex murmured, loving the taste of it. “We always knew the ending of our story wouldn’t be happy.”
“But how did it end up with me in a coffin and you in an institution?” He picked her up and set her on the edge of the armchair, grabbing her hands. “How did we become a tragedy?”
“A tragedy is something that wasn’t supposed to happen. I was supposed to die.”
“You weren’t supposed to die alone.” The creases in his forehead deepened. “Eidolon was like a curse for me. I had the ability to see you, and yet I was stuck here with these overbearing rules.”
Alex released one hand from his and stood to push her fingertips softly to his furrowed brow, trying to smooth out the frown.
“But if they’d kicked me out, chances are I’d have ended up confined in something much worse than this city.” His eyes searched her face so intensely she could actually feel it pressing against her. “I’m so sorry it turned to hell for you back home.”
“What are you staring at?”
“Colors. There’s a gorgeous pink light surrounding you.”
She laughed lightly. “You’re losing it.”
“My God, I missed that laugh. It’s the same color pink. I can see it in your head. I’ve been seeing these colors in my mind since I got here.”
“My laugh is pink?” She didn’t know why, but she completely believed him. “Speaking of minds, how have you been getting into my mine?”
The corner of his mouth lifted. “I don’t think you’ve noticed, but you’re in my head too.”
“Really?”
He nodded. “Sometimes, during a thought or two, I feel you there.”
“How?”
“I really don’t know.”
“And how were you able to get into my dreams?”
He let go of her palm and weaved his fingers through hers. She was never more aware of her senses. Desire traveled from his hand to hers, tingling up her arm and then down through the rest of her.
“I’ve heard the mind is much more open to possibility when it is sleeping. Are you angry about me being there?”
“No. But why my dreams? Why can’t I get into yours?”
“I’m sure you can. The mind is not always a one-way street. Although”—he grinned—“I don’t think I want you to know the things I dream about you.”
Alex felt her face grow warm, and she wondered if her mind could program her cheeks to flush.
There were so many mornings after Chase had died when Alex would awaken to find pillows propped up next to her bed, slouched in the position of someone beside her. Other times, she’d find things out of place. Pictures of them. Mementos. She’d always convinced herself that it wasn’t him, that she was just going crazy like everyone said. But now she realized the cool scent of him had been there in the room on those mornings, and her heart had felt as light as it did now.