Groaning, I slide my hand down her body, resting on her hip. My lips leave hers and I kiss her cheek, shoulder and neck, tasting her body and savoring each moment. Her hand touches my chest and pulls off my shirt. Her lips kiss my chest and up my neck, back to my lips. I’m not sure what I’m doing or what she wants. I’m scared to talk and ruin this moment so I slide my hand under her shirt, cupping her breast, looking at the expression she makes. Her eyes close and she pushes her chest up towards me.
Her lips part as I massage her breast, moving to the other. She sits up and grips the hems of her shirt, lifting it off. Our bare chests connect and our lips meet again.
“I love you so much,” I tell her and grind my erection into her. “Fuck,” I groan when I feel her nails gripping my back. I’m so turned on and the heat from her is making me crazy.
I don’t know what to think right now. Honestly, I don’t care. This is what I’ve been waiting for and this is what I want. I kiss her again, hungry and fast, like a beast ready to take what’s his. My fingers entwine with hers as I take my other hand to her boxer shorts and pull them down, needing more. Tossing them on the floor, my hand rests back on her hips and I look to her for the okay. Her hazy eyes look into mine and that smirk comes back. Feeling her wetness on my fingers, I slide my fingers in and nearly explode. I control myself and curse in my head. I’m twenty fucking three years old, not fifteen anymore.
“Do you want me to keep going?”
“Please,” she tells me and I listen. Feeling her body relax underneath me, I play with her clit and massage her until she comes and the noise leaving her lips is killing me. The throb in my cock is screaming to be released and into her.
“I want you so bad,” I kiss her again, “so bad.”
I turn her over and kiss her back, my hands exploring her all over. The softness of her skin is against my hand and I kiss the path down her back.
“Stop,” she screams and pushes me away, “stop.”
“Bayleigh, I’m sorry,” I rush to tell her, “I’m sorry.” I get off her bed and hand her clothes. No. Please fucking no. My heart literally stops beating when I see the tears in her eyes. She’s covering herself up and shaking her head.
“I can’t do this with you. Don’t you see how fucked up I am?”
“Baby stop, you’re not fucked up. You’re perfect.”
“No!” She screams again and pushes me away. “I need you to leave right now.” She pulls the covers up and wipes her tears. “Tyler, leave!”
An ache forms in my chest and my muscles tighten. I want to stand here and fight with her, explain that what we did isn’t wrong and I don’t want to leave. A moment passes and she still has her eyes on me. The need to wipe away her tears grows and I’m about to walk toward her when she whispers for me to leave and go home.
“Please,” she tells me, “just go.”
My stomach sinks deep into a pit. “Talk to me, Bay.”
“Leave! Tyler, just fucking leave!”
Everything is screaming at me to stay and talk to her. When I look into her eyes, she’s not there. The wild and scared Bayleigh I remember is back and she’s not budging. I walk to the door and hang my head. Turning back, I look at her again and she’s not facing me.
“I’m sorry,” I say before walking out of her bedroom. Making my way down the hall I see her mom Carrie walking toward me. “Sorry I’m here so late,” I look down, not wanting to see the disappointment in her eyes.
“It’s okay,” she whispers, touching my arm. “What happened?” I shrug and see the sympathetic pity smile on her face. “Give her time, Tyler.”
Time . . . that’s all I hear when it comes to us. How long do we have to be apart for her to realize we’re meant to be together?
I haven’t slept since he left. I’m an idiot. When he turned me on my stomach, flashes of Tony came back and I had to make him leave. I wanted it so much and yet here I go, ruining it again. Pulling off the covers, I put on sweatpants and a tee shirt. I feel like shit for what I’ve done. There are no more tears to cry and my heart is breaking because I can’t stand the thought of him being close to me. I don’t want to face him today. I’ve been so stupid and I ruin everything. We’ve been good and last night should have been a good night. I’m a mess and I can’t expect him to be okay with this.
My eyes burn from the sob fest I attended. The look on his face when he got off my bed and walked to the door. I can’t stand to look at him when he’s looking like that. That broken look was on his face and I wanted it to be someone else, anyone else, not my Tyler. Now that look will be imprinted in my head and soon it’ll turn into disappointment, then pity and finally regret. He’ll let go and wonder why he wasted his time with someone fucked up like me.
And I couldn’t bring myself to do that, so I won’t say goodbye. I told him to leave last night and he did. We said everything we wanted to say to one another.
There’s a knock on my door and panic sets in. When the door opens, I see my mom walking in with a smile on her face. She sits down and pats my knee. “Go to him, sweetie.”
“I can’t Mom,” I tell her what happened last night and she listens. I love my mom. She’s been there for me since day one and doesn’t look at me with pity in her eyes. No, she looks at me like a woman who needs time to find her place in this world and to accept what’s happened. She looks at me with strength and she gives me the courage I need to go on with my life.
“Yes you can, Bayleigh. I didn’t raise a coward,” she winks and gets up. “Go.”
Getting the courage I need, I walk outside and watch him pack. He’s called me several times and I’ve ignored all his calls. I don’t want to watch him leave and tell me he loves me. I want us to work on our relationship and see him every day. Having him near me makes me feel better.
“Hi,” I whisper, walking to him, not able to look into his eyes because I know I’ll beg him to stay. Those blue eyes will plead with mine and I’ll cave. I’ll grab his suitcases and slam them on the ground, telling him he can’t leave. I’ll throw my arms around his neck and we’ll be okay. I’ll feel his lips on me and we’ll be together again.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” I lie, “sorry about last night. Just,” I want to explain and I can’t. He doesn’t need to know that when he touched me I thought of my rapist, “it was a lot and I’m sorry.”
I watch Tyler put the last suitcase in the rental car and shut it. His back is facing me and neither of us is saying anything. I wish I were a writer so I could come up with something, anything, to make this better. The words are stuck in my throat, and instead of saying what I want to say, I wrap my arms around his waist and place my cheek against his back. Closing my eyes I whisper, “I know this is hard for you. I wish I could be better. But I think this will be good, Ty.”
“You can say whatever you want, Bay. I’m going to love you forever, with every breath I have, and we’ll be together again. You don’t scare me. What happened last night doesn’t scare me. If you let me in, I promise we’ll take it slow. Like I told you before, from now on I’ll go at your pace. No more pushing or giving you long drawn out explanations of my feelings. The ball’s in your court. Just remember, I’ll cross the oceans to see that smile again. You are it for me and one day you’ll see I’m the guy for you. I love you forever.”