She is holding all the cards when it comes to our future. I won’t allow her to push me away. Nothing she does will stop me from taking back what’s mine. With her, everything makes sense. With her, I come apart and all my doubts and insecurities cease to matter because she makes me a better man. And I meant what I said about sex not being a big thing. Of course I miss being deep inside her, hearing her scream my name and feeling her desire, but I can let that go if it means having her back. I want her, all of her, and that’ll never change. She knows I can play dirty and I will if I have to.
Needing sleep, I get under the covers of my bed and feel the coolness of the sheets on my naked body. Grabbing a pillow, I hug it to my body, pretending it’s Bayleigh. Shit, I’m a fucking pussy. But I don’t care. This who I am and how I feel.
Tossing and turning for the next hour I finally get up, put on clothes and walk to the built-in bar in my room. I love being in Newport Beach. When I’m here, it feels like home. Walking outside on the balcony, facing the ocean, I lean against the railing and listen to the waves crashing against the shore, soothing my nerves and helping me stay calm. Being near the water helps me put things in perspective and gives me a chance to really think.
I’m alone in my room and I like it that way, just not right now. I want to pick up the phone and call Bayleigh. I want to listen to her talk about her day or listen to the music she’s listening to. But I’m giving her space. I don’t want to smother her and make her feel like I’m hovering.
It’s only been a few hours since I got here and already I’m raging with anger and feeling broken. After leaving her in the driveway and looking at her while I drove away, I had to stop myself from pulling over. This is the time she needs and I need to give it to her.
There’s a knock on my door. I finish my drink and walk back inside. Opening the door, I see Chad holding a bottle of whiskey.
“Welcome back man,” he says coming inside.
Chad’s a good friend and he took care of me when shit went down with Bayleigh and me. He’s had his heart broken too many times and doesn’t care about love or finding the one. All he needs is someone who understands the words one night stand and friends with benefits and if they don’t, then he walks away.
He clears his throat while pouring us a shot. “So, do I want to know how you’re feeling?” He hands me a shot and we both take it.
“I’m good. I’m doing what she wants. We had a little something go down before I left. I don’t know,” I sigh and sit down, “I mean, she seemed like she was loving it and didn’t say no. I asked her if this was okay and she said it was. Then out of nowhere, she freaked out and told me to leave.” Chad pours me another shot and I take it. “I don’t know if it brought back the rape or anything.”
He listens intently and nods his head. “I think so. I don’t know the girl, but something you did most likely brought back the rape. Don’t beat yourself up over it, man. You’re here and we got a lot of shit to do in three weeks. Have you given any more thought to Brian’s proposal?”
I lean back and wince, thinking about that conversation. I’m not sure if I can pick up and leave it all behind. Moving to California will be the biggest step I’ve ever taken. It means moving away from my mom and Bayleigh.
But if I do move, should I ask her? Do I have the right?
Chad nods, then gets up to open the door. “Come on, let’s grab dinner and drink.”
It’s been four days since he left. Not that I’m keeping track or anything. We talk every day and say good night every night. I’m not sure it’s healthy or giving me the space I need. Frankly, I really don’t care. Hearing his voice and seeing his name pop up on my cell phone is keeping me calm. I spent all Saturday and Sunday crying and I’m so sick of crying. I don’t want to spend another heartbreaking, soul crushing, hyperventilating day in my room away from people.
My mom and I spend time together and she’s taken me to the spa and out to eat. Bless her heart for keeping me busy. When I’m not with her, I’m in my room drawing in my sketch pad and I’m still thinking about him. My heart misses him and I wonder how he’s doing. I look outside and see his bedroom window. We used to wave to each other in the morning and write messages to each other on a white board. Almost every memory I have is of him. His smile, his laugh and the way his eyes make me feel safe.
But then I remember the pained look in his eyes. The look of regret and sadness. I hate to be the reason his heart is breaking. It’ll be easier if we can move on and start something new. If only, right?
Deciding being inside isn’t a good idea, I grab my car keys and head out the door. Once I’m outside, I look at Tyler’s house and smile. He’s doing what he loves and I’m happy for him. Getting in my car, I drive to the beach. This is the one and only place I can relax and let my mind go free. There’s something about the calmness of the water, and the softness of the sand, that brings me to peace and a clear mind. If I could live on the water, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Life comes to mind and I want to think it can’t get worse than this. I mean, life cannot be this cruel. Then again, I watch the news and things can get really bad before they get better. There’s this hole that some people fall into and sometimes it’s nearly impossible to get out of it. That hole is the emptiness in my heart. My mind is getting there and my emotions seem to be in order. I wish the hole could be gone and it should be. At some point, I have to think about the future and building it. Resting my forehead on my forearms, which are on my knees, I think about getting through day by day, and figure out how to keep busy. Just thinking about waking up, getting dressed and doing something during the day so I’m not locking myself inside my room would be great. I don’t like the heaviness on my chest or the constant dread on my mind. Hopefully when I talk to Mandy, she can help me get a job at the firm.
I can’t allow myself to dwell on Tyler’s absence. I need to be normal and act normal. No more being sad and moping around the house. Since that night, I’ve been miserable and I’m slowly coming together. With Tyler, things were steady and okay. Now that he’s gone, I have to find that balance again. Only Tyler’s been the exception to everything. I let him touch me, sleep in the same bed as me, see me in a bikini, and we hold hands and laugh. I won’t let anyone else come that close to me, yet it’s okay for Tyler.
I’m lost and I’m not sure what else to do.
Some days I think I’ll wake up in the middle of the day, with a smile on my face, looking over and seeing a sleeping Tyler next to me, and this will have been a bad nightmare. Then reality sinks in. Tyler’s not with me. He’s not sleeping next to me or telling me about forever. Because I’m a fool. A love sick fool who can’t bring herself to understand that someone loves her enough to do anything and everything. Tears are pooling in my eyes and I can’t get a grip. I know our love won’t go away. Regardless of distance and decisions made, forever love stays and fights when the people involved can’t fight anymore.
I take a few deep breaths and struggle to think about the possibility of making a difference in my life. Sometimes slowly breathing helps or counting to ten. Right now, all that’s helping me is picturing Tyler and his beautiful smile. The love and strength he exudes are incredible. He’s every reason to smile and every dream come true. Most importantly, he’s hope. I get lost in him and he brought me back to life. Even though there are days his chains around my wrist are tight, he still is one of the reasons I’m here.