Me: Hey. How was your day?
Bay: Good! Busy day. How are you? Still mad?
Me: Pretty awesome, actually. I like it here. It’s hard adjusting with the time difference lol. I’m glad you had a good day . . . and I’m pissed
Bay: Well, you’re only there for two more weeks so you’ll be fine haha . . . Everything at the firm is going well. I like working for Damon . . . And stop being pissed! For the love of God, he’s your brother . . .
Me: Doesn’t matter. I trusted him to take care of you and he picked random pussy instead
Bay: You can’t live your life blaming him, Ty. Please try and talk to him
I want to ask her to come see me. I begin typing the message and then delete the draft.
Bay: Please?
Me: I’ll think about it if you think about coming to visit me
My chest swells thinking about the possibility of her coming out here to visit me. Baby steps, I tell myself. I’m in love with this girl and it’s the kind of forever people look for. Some find it and some don’t. Well, I have my forever love and I’m going to keep telling myself this is how I have to behave and I have to be patient.
Bay: I’ll think about it. I’m heading to bed. Thank you for texting me
Me: You never have to thank me . . . I like our talks
Bay: LOL. Night Ty
Me: Night Bay
Today’s my day off. I’m awake this morning and feel a little better from last night. There’s no weight on my chest and I’m smiling on my own. Having Ryan back in my life is surprisingly making me feel . . . better. Being around him is making me feel like me again. He’s not walking on eggshells or asking me a million questions. For the first time in a long time, I want to live and breathe again.
Putting on my sneakers, I grab my phone and headphones and decide to go for a run. I need to clear my head. Stepping outside in the warm sun, I put in my earbuds and start running. I think of the past few times we’ve talked and hung out. Instantly I feel like an asshole. Tyler and Ryan haven’t been on good terms since the night of the rape. Tyler blames Ryan and Ryan hasn’t made an effort to talk to his brother. I hate this feud between them. Part of me wants to bring it up. I need to know if Ryan has talked to Tyler.
Mentally yelling at myself, I continue running. Finishing my run, I sprint the last quarter mile. Catching my breath, I look up and see Ryan on my porch, looking at me with a smile.
“Hey!”
“Looking good, speedy,” he tells me. “How are you?”
“Tired,” I laugh, “so don’t get mad, okay?”
“Okay,” he smiles, “what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours?”
“Have you talked to Tyler?” He rubs the back of his head and looks away. I already know the answer. “He knows you’re back.” I hear him sigh and see him sitting on the railing. “You can’t keep fighting with him.”
“Yeah,” he huffs, “I know.”
“Do you want to come in? I can make you something to eat and we can talk.”
“Maybe next time, silly girl,” he smiles. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“For what?”
“You’ll see.”
“Again, can you please tell me?”
He shrugs, “Nope,” he taps my nose, “just be ready tomorrow morning. I’ll text you with details.”
Rolling my eyes, I wave goodbye and walk back inside and to my room. Pulling out my phone, I open my music app on my phone and listen to music. The shuffle mode plays Fix A Heart by Demi Lovato. I sit back and take out my sketch pad.
My phone vibrates, bringing me out of my trance.
Ryan: Tomorrow morning at 9am wear shorts and a shirt or whatever . . . Bikini maybe? =) But be ready
Me: Ok?
Ryan: Don’t think about it . . . Just do it. Listening to me will be good for you . . . I guarantee it
I roll my eyes. He’s too cocky for his own good.
Me: Cocky much?
Ryan: I’d like to say I’m confident. Sounds better than cocky =p
Me: Whatever you say lol
Not wanting to wait for his text, I grab my gym bag and head out.
Mandy and I have a kickboxing class tonight. I haven’t been to a kickboxing class in a while. Lately I’ve been focusing on doing other gym routines like lifting and high intensity interval training.
Stepping into the class, I see Mandy stretching and join her.
“So you’ve been avoiding me,” I tell her, rolling my shoulders forward and back. “Afraid to tell me something?”
“Shut up,” she pushes me and laughs. “I don’t want to talk about it now, but I will.”
“You know I’m here for you.”
“I know,” she says and we stretch until the instructor comes.
Immediately she starts class, putting on high intensity music to get us moving. Feeling the burn in my arms and legs, I keep up with the instructor. I look over to the right and see Mandy. She looks at me with death in her eyes.
“Let’s go, ladies. I want to see aggression. Pretend your best friend slept with your boyfriend or you found your husband in bed with your sister. Hit the damn bags!” the instructor yells.
Closing my eyes and focusing, I think about Tony and rage spills from me. My hits are stronger and my grunts are louder.
“You’ll never touch me again!” I scream, kicking the bag over and over again. “Never.” I feel arms around me and I collapse, crying. I think about that night again and I feel his rough hands. Why did that have to happen to me? I never did anything bad to anyone. I don’t know why I’m allowing him to control me from so far away. I have to learn how to control my emotions and my hate for him.
“It’s okay,” Mandy tells me. The instructor tells everyone class is over and kneels down besides us.
“Word of advice hun, don’t bottle it in.” She pats my shoulder and leaves the room.
“She’s right, Bay. You have to talk.”
“I know,” I whisper through the tears, “I know.”
Sitting in my car, I pull out my phone and call Tyler. The phone rings twice and I hear his anxious voice.
“Bay?”
“Hey,” I force myself to say without crying. Hearing his voice on the other end, knowing he’s so far away, is killing me. I have to be strong or else he’ll come back. “How are you?”
“What’s wrong? And please don’t lie to me.”
He knows. He always knows. “I had a breakdown in kickboxing today. The instructor said to imagine someone you hate,” I start to cry, “and I pictured Tony. I hit the bag over and over again. Screaming and crying.” I hear his breathing growing faster, “I want to be okay. I hate this tainted feeling. He’s in prison and I know he can’t hurt me, so why do I think about it?”
“Because baby, it’s something that happened to you. This is part of your journey to survive remember? You’re going to face these demons and you have to learn how to do it head on. It’s going to be hard. Don’t shut anyone out, even yourself. Let yourself be sad and mad. It’s normal.”
I hear the hope in his voice and nod. We stay on the phone for a few minutes without saying anything.
“Thank you for knowing what to say. I thought calling you would make you want to come back.”
“Like you said, we need space and you need room to breathe and grow. But baby, you know I’d be there in a heartbeat.”
“I know.”
Taking out my journal, I put my thoughts to paper.