“I can’t say. I want to, trust me, but I can’t.”
I reach over and put my hand on hers. We sit in silence and drink our martinis before our server comes and takes our order. Mandy doesn’t say much and looks distant.
“Hey, so I was thinking about going to Del Monte this weekend. Spa day! Wanna go?”
“Yes please,” she smiles, “I need a deep tissue so bad.”
And now my best friend is back.
When dinner is over, I head to the gym and get on the treadmill. It’s too late outside to run and I need to clear my head. Listening to Mandy talk about Ryan and telling me she knows something I don’t know is bothering me. She’s never broken a promise and I didn’t want her to start now. My wandering mind goes to different places and I can’t get it out of my head. What could he have told her? I kick up the speed to seven and focus on my breathing instead of Ryan Scott.
Relief washes over me and thirty minutes later, I’m exhausted. Grabbing my things from the locker room, I head out and drive home. Once in my room, I look around and feel like something is off. Putting down my bag, I look down and notice a box on my bed. Sitting down, I open the box and inside there is a frame with a picture. The picture is of me, Tyler, and Ryan when we graduated high school. I pick it up and smile looking at the three of us. A card slides down and I pick it up to read it.
I thought you’d like this picture. It’s been with me every day since I left. I never stopped thinking about you or my brother.
Ryan
I look out the window and see his bedroom light on. Heading out to his house, I go inside and call his name. Taking the steps one by one, I feel weird being here. It’s been a while since I’ve been over, but I know Moira won’t have an issue with me here.
Opening his bedroom door, I see Ryan in bed. He’s on top of his covers and looks peaceful.
Sitting down, I pick up a book he was reading. It’s a book of poems by Robert Frost-his favorite poet. Flipping through the pages, I see the poems he’s marked and notes he’s made. Reading his words, the emotions, the metaphors, and the way he fluently highlights the painful expressions, noting his own. I look at him, questioning if this is how he feels.
“Why are you back?” I whisper, softly touching his face.
“Bayleigh?” I turn around and see Moira at the door. “Hi honey. Is everything okay?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry I came in without saying hi to you. I didn’t see your car so I thought it was just Ryan home.”
“Oh goodness, don’t worry,” she smiles. “Come downstairs when you’re done.”
“Okay,” I smile back and turn to Ryan. Grabbing a blanket from his closet, I drape it over him and whisper goodnight before heading downstairs.
“Cookie?”
“Ah, I can’t. I just got done working out.”
“Oh please,” she waves her hand at me, “have one. You’ll be fine.” I give in and die as soon as the cookie touches my tongue. Honestly, this woman can bake. “How’s everything going?”
“Good,” I answer. “Working with Mandy at the firm as Damon Ridge’s PA and keeping busy.”
“Have you talked to Tyler?”
“Actually, we haven’t talked. I’ll text him later.” Moira smiles and puts out cookies on a plate. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” she answers and I’m not convinced.
“Moira?”
Her head is down and I hear her sniffling, “Be there for my boys.”
“Of course. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, honey. Just wanted to say that. They miss you and I know you’ve been there for them all these years.”
Taking her hand, I give her a hug and we stand like this for a while. Since the death of her husband, David, she’s been fragile and sensitive. I don’t blame her. David was her world and he unexpectedly passed away.
Aneurysm.
I remember the day it happened and how broken they were. Ryan took it the hardest and Tyler took it upon himself to be strong for everyone.
“It’ll be okay,” I reassure her, “I’ll be here.”
It’s late when I get home so I don’t call Tyler. Instead I send him a text, letting him know I’m thinking about him and all is okay at home.
My heart races and my breathing is quick. My eyes won’t open. I feel his weight on me and his hands on my back.
“Get off me,” I cry, trying to pull away, trying to do anything I can to run.
“Bayleigh,” I recognize that voice, “it’s me, sweetheart. It’s me.” Turning over I see Ryan and the overwhelming emotions take over. The control I thought I had over me is gone. I feel helpless and I’m still letting Tony control me.
Ryan carefully pulls away, with his eyes on me, and lightly strokes my arm. The look on his face makes me turn away. Pity. Fear. I hate those looks.
“Are you okay?” I don’t answer. “Can you talk to me because you scared the shit out of me?”
“I thought you were Tony. During the rape,” I start to say, swallowing the lump in my throat, “he never let me see his face until the very end when he thought I died. He’s the last thing I saw before I blacked out. When you touched me, I don’t know what happened, I thought it was back to that night.”
I shouldn’t be going through this anymore. The vice grip on my throat tightens and the weight on my chest gets heavier. I’m panicking because I don’t know where I am. I know I’m in my room. I know I’m safe and Ryan’s here with me, but I’m not here.
“If me being here is too much, I’ll leave. But I thought it would be nice to have you sleep through the night without waking up screaming.”
“It’s not your fault, Ryan. I’m still scared and messed up. I appreciate you being here.” I mean what I say, but I know I’ll push him away the way I push Tyler away. I’m a mess. A hot mess and there’s nothing anyone can do to help me. Therapy didn’t help. Being around Tyler didn’t help. There’s nothing. The only one who can help me be stronger is myself. I need to pull myself out of the nightmare.
He runs his fingers through my hair and rests his other hand on my knee. “It’s going to be okay. You can’t let him take you down.” I nod, listening to what he’s saying, forcing myself to believe it.
“I’m going to protect you. Even if I have to buy a blow up bed and put it in your room or sleep on the floor up against the wall, shit, I don’t care. You need to tell me what I can do to make this better for you.”
“You’re doing it now,” I admit.
He leans down and kisses my forehead. I feel his breath on my face and feel his arms around my waist, pulling me against his chest. I rest my cheek on his shoulder and hold him back. But when I close my eyes, I don’t see Ryan. I see Tyler and the blue eyes I love so much are looking back at me with regret and sadness.
A vibration near my face wakes me up. I pick up my phone and see Ryan’s name on the screen.
“How do you feel about heights?”
I cringe, “Good morning to you too. I hate them. I’m so afraid of heights. I won’t even ride a roller coaster.”
“Perfect.”
I don’t respond. What’s he up to? “Why are you calling me so early?”
“Get up now and be ready in 15.”
“Ugh. Fine.”
I get out of bed and quickly get ready. Putting on shorts and a zip up hoodie, I throw my hair in a ponytail and head downstairs. My parents are away this weekend in Canada. They asked if I wanted to go. Honestly, I’m exhausted from working and need a few days to lay low.
Grabbing a quick breakfast, I hear the door open and see Ryan walking in with a smile on his face. I smile back and turn away. Part of me feels like I’m cheating. Guilt takes over and I feel a little uneasy. I want to cancel today and go back to my room.
“Hey, what’s wrong?”