Ryan makes it back over to me and hands me my gear. Putting it on, I head inside and pray I can do this. I feel his eyes on me and I’m not sure what that’s making me do. I block out his stares and focus on winning this damn bet.
Feeling his hands on my hips causes a burning sensation in my body. I close my eyes and try to regulate my breathing so I can calm down. This is crazy. His hands gently stroke down my arm to my wrist and he moves me so I’m in the right position.
“Like this,” he tells me, his voice husky and deep. “All you have to do is keep your eyes on the ball,” he instructs, keeping his hands on my hips. Fuck, we’re really close together. “The ball is going to come soon. Do you feel it coming?”
“Coming? Ball? What?”
“Focus, Bayleigh. The ball will come really fast and hard. Just keep your eyes steady and trust me. I won’t let anything hurt you.”
“Okay.” The ball comes my way, I swing and miss. This goes on for a few minutes and I’m getting frustrated. “I can’t do this!” I scream. “Why are we here? Why do I have to hit these balls?”
“You need to face your fears and do it.”
I glare at him, “Well, I don’t freaking want to, so let’s go.”
His hands are on my shoulder, his eyes are on mine, and his expression is intense. He’s gritting his teeth and there’s nothing in his eyes; just the beautiful baby blues I’ve been seeing for the past few weeks. “Get. Back. In. There.”
“NO. N. O.”
He scoffs, “No wonder you’re so scared of your own shadow. You give up so easily. I don’t know why I thought you could do this.”
Red. I see red. “Who the hell do you think you are? Coming back from the dead and trying to squeeze yourself back into my life.”
“From where I was standing, it looked like you needed it, sweetheart.”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Why not sweetheart? I mean, you’re acting like a brat, so why not give you a pet name. Sweetheart.”
I want to punch him in the face. I want to do something to prove him wrong. “Fine,” I throw up my arms, “I’ll do it.”
Getting back in the batting cages, I get in the standing position and focus. It’s only a ball. I can do this.
The ball comes flying out and I keep my eyes open and swing. The ball goes flying and internally I’m cheering. I can’t lose focus. That might have been a beginner’s luck hit.
“Ready for the next ball? It’ll come faster. Be ready or else it could be messy. Or you can give up and we can go home.”
“I’ll hit it.” I watch the ball coming, swing, hit and boom. “Two out of three balls,” I tell him. “I’m going to win.”
“Focus, Bayleigh.” I watch the ball come again, swing and miss. “Go again or are you quitting?”
“Again.”
I hit the next ten balls and put down the bat, walking out with a smug look on my face. Looking at Ryan, I give him my helmet with a wink, “Admit I did well.”
“You did pretty well,” he laughs and puts his arm around my shoulders, sending chills down my body.
“Then are you going to tell me?”
“Can we drop it please?” The serious expression on his face is making me feel small. I can’t shake off this uneasy feeling in my stomach. Something terrible is wrong with him and he can’t tell me. Usually it’s not this hard. I mean, I know we’ve been apart for two years, but we’re best friends. If he can push me to complete my bucket list and tell me how he feels, then he needs to tell me what’s going on. I don’t know why he’s holding it in.
When we walk back to the car, it gives me a chance to think about how I was after the rape. I pushed everyone out of my life. The only people who fought to stay in were Mandy and Tyler. Mandy never let me forget how strong I was and that I was going to get through it as long as I didn’t push people away. Everyone else lived their lives and some would message me on Facebook or post on my wall. It wasn’t anything personal so I ignored all the messages. It wasn’t to be a bitch or anything, I just didn’t want to deal with the Q and A session online.
There are still lingering questions about Ryan and why he’s here and pushing himself back into my life. I know I’m feeling better and I’m happier, so that’s something to think about.
Leaning back in the passenger seat, I rest my head against the window and suddenly feel sad. I feel the tears building up.
“Bayleigh?” I don’t respond. He drives faster and for some reason this makes me cry. Pulling into the parking lot of the lake house, he parks the car and unbuckles his seatbelt. Turning to face me, he makes me look at him and says my name again. “Talk to me.”
“No, because you can’t talk to me. I want to know what’s going on with you. I mean, you’re back now and I feel like there’s this hole between us that can’t be filled. I lost my best friend, Ry, and I don’t like that feeling.”
“You never lost me, Bayleigh. Even though I was gone, I thought about you all the time and made sure you were okay.”
“But I wasn’t okay!” I yell, “No one was okay. You left and never even came to see me.”
He hangs his head and I see his chest rising up and falling back down. “I went to see you. Tyler ran home to shower and get more things and your parents were getting dinner. You were lying there and had machines beeping all around you. The bruises on your face and neck fucking killed me.” His eyes shoot up to me and he flinches when he sees the shocked look on my face. “I sat on the bed and took your hand. I begged and cried for you to open your eyes and wake up. I told you how sorry I was and how I hated myself. Every time I’m around, something bad happens, so I had to leave. I had to leave you and everyone behind so I didn’t hurt anyone anymore. I told you one day I’d be back and hoped you would forgive me. And you do forgive me. It’s not sitting well with me though. I need you to fucking yell at me. Make me feel like shit.”
“I can’t. That’s not how I feel. Yes, I’m still upset you left and never tried to contact me. But you’re here now and that’s what matters.” I grab his shoulders and give him a squeeze. “You’ll always be my best friend. That’ll never change.”
“I want to be more. I want to create more memories with you and make sure you are living. You deserve this life and all the good things that will come your way. You deserve the world, the moon, the sun, the galaxy,” he pauses, breathing in and out, “you deserve it all.”
It’s hard for me to say anything. I get what he’s telling me and part of me agrees. I do deserve to be happy and he’s helping me get there. Only, it’s not just Ryan who is helping me. I have Mandy, Damon, my parents and myself. This is the turning point I needed to see and understand. My list was the start and now I’m letting people back into my life and I’m doing things more, especially things on my own, and I’m taking care of myself. It’s all because people believe in me and I believe in myself. I believe that I can get through this and I can overcome all the obstacles that come my way.
I can do this.
“I need you to do something for me.”
“What?” I look up and feel Ryan’s hand in mine.
“Step away from your life for a moment.”
I cock my brow and am confused. “Why?”
“Because I can promise you, your problems will be there when you come back. Leave it all behind.” I smile and nod my head.
“Can I trust you?”
“Always,” he smirks and kisses my forehead.
We relax on the boat as it bobs in the water. The day is turning into night and it’s almost time to head back to the dock. We’ve been out here for a few hours and there’s been no heavy discussion about anything .We’ve listened to music, went swimming in the lake and tanned on the boat. He’s telling me about his travels and I fill him in about my job.