I feel like for the first time I’m in control and Ryan’s letting me handle things at my own pace. I left my issues at the dock and I’m trusting him. It’s my turn to figure out how to get him to talk. If I can tell him how I feel and about the missing two years, then he can fill me in too.
After helping Ryan with the boat and cleaning up the lake house, we head to his car and drive home.
“Thank you for today,” I smile and tell him. “It felt really good to be out and leave my problems at the door.”
“You need to learn how to deal with your issues head on.” His hand is resting on my thigh, causing warm sensation running down my body. It’s a simple touch, yet it feels like so much more. When I open my eyes and look at him, I see something different. I can’t explain it. The look in his eye is more and it’s the same way Tyler looks at me.
“Can we talk more about your feelings for me?”
He shakes his head, “Not tonight. I don’t want to have this day tainted with arguing or anger. Today was a good day for both of us and I know we’ll have more. We’ll talk soon. I promise.”
I hold out my hand and link my pinky with his. “Now you can’t break your promise to me.”
“I would never.”
Ryan drops me off at my house and tells me he has something to do and he’ll text me later. I walk in and see a note from my parents telling me they’re grabbing dinner and a movie. I’m glad to have the house to myself. Going upstairs, I jump in the shower and stand under the water, letting it cascade down my body, washing away the day and the layer I don’t want anymore.
Wrapping a towel around my body, I brush my teeth and finish getting ready for bed. Grabbing my journal, I get comfortable on the ledge by my window and write about my day. When I write about Ryan, a smile comes on my face.
I can’t get over what he said about loving me and always choosing me. Does he mean that as a best friend or lovers? I think I know the answer and it’s hard for me to accept. He knows Tyler and I have history so I’m not sure if registering my feelings for Ryan is right. It feels like nothing I do is right when it involves my heart.
I haven’t talked to Tyler today. I miss him, but I had a lot of fun with Ryan. I checked my phone a lot today and there hasn’t been a message or phone call. I’m not sure what’s going on with him and I don’t know what to think.
I stop writing and look up to the Scott’s house when the light in Ryan’s room turns out. I see his shadow and am about to text him when I see some blonde bimbo in his arms.
“Are you serious?” I mutter and watch the soft porno in front of my eyes. He’s taking her in his arms and it looks pretty rough. I watch him pick her up and he slams her body to the window. Her long legs wrap around his back and they’re kissing as if they’ve never kissed before. His hands are gripping her tight and it’s really pissing me off.
It hits me. I care that Ryan is hooking up with some random chick and the reason has my heart ready to explode. I’m about to go over there and punch her face is because I’m jealous. I want that. I want what he’s giving her.
I step away from the window and crawl into bed. I can’t believe this is happening. I’m falling for my best friend while the man I love is thousands of miles away.
The next morning after finally deciding to get out of bed, I get ready for work and head out with my coffee in one hand and my keys in the other. Putting on my sunglasses, I look up and see Ryan’s bedroom curtains closed. Rolling my eyes, I ignore what I saw and head to work. Getting Damon’s meeting ready, flashes of Ryan run through my mind. His smile. His eyes. The way he looks at me when we’re standing before one another. Then the image of him and blonde bitchbimbo comes to mind. I can’t believe he had a random hookup after the day we had. Sure, I don’t have a reason to be mad, but I am.
Reaching for my phone, I text Tyler.
Me: Good morning. I hope you had a good weekend. I hung out with Ryan and we hung out at the batting cages and the lake . . . Can’t wait until you’re back . . . I hope you have a good day. XO Bay
Looking at the message, guilt sinks in. I’m allowing these feelings to consume me and I’m not allowing myself to piece together the puzzle because that’s what life’s about. You know as children we can’t wait to grow up and be adults so we can drive, drink, stay up past our bedtime and fall in love. We play dress up with our friends and pretend we’re married to the cute boy with a crooked smile. Then we grow up and are faced with decisions that will affect more than one life. We’re so close to the edge and need someone to pull us back. But do we really need someone to do that or do we need to find the strength to do it on our own?
Resting my head against my desk, I pull out my phone again and hop onto Instagram. I look at the pictures posted and come across Tyler’s post. There’s a picture with him and Serena. Jealous rage sinks in and I let out a groan. I stare at her pretty little face. She’s smiling and holding my Tyler. What the fuck? I know they’re friends and they work together and everything, but does she have to be all up on him? Really?
Hanging out with this beauty tonight @SerenaA_35 #HappyHour #LovingCali
A pang in my chest grows. I look at the picture and hate how pretty she is. I wonder what he’s doing now. The picture was posted last night. When I click on his profile, I don’t see too much. There’s a picture of us when he left. I click on it and regret it immediately when I read the caption.
When you love someone and they don’t love you back.
There are a few comments under the picture. Nothing rude or mean. A lot of sad faces. I’m hurting him because I’m too selfish to let him love me. Before it was because I needed space to find myself and slowly I am. Now I need the distance to sort out my feelings. Even though we aren’t together, I feel like I’m cheating on him.
I click on her Instagram and stalk her pictures. God, I hate her. I don’t care if I don’t know her. There are more pictures of them together and she has tons of selfies about being confident about yourself and loving yourself. I roll my eyes and let out a scoff. Whatever. Like she has confidence issues.
The day goes by fast before Mandy comes strolling in my office with a smirk. “I know what you’re doing.”
“What do you mean?”
She sits down and plays with her nails, tapping her foot up and down. “I’m not dumb. You’re confused and I think . . . ,” she taps her chin, “I think it involves two brothers. The Scott brothers to be exact.”
My face grows red. I hate this. I’m looking at my best friend and I want to lie to her. I want her to not be mad at me.
“I get it, Bayleigh.”
“How did you know?”
She looks away then back at me, “Because I was with Ryan this morning. We had breakfast. He called me and wanted to meet up.” She pauses and looks away, “He said he loves you and to be honest when I saw a picture of you and him on his phone, you had this smile on your face I’ve never seen.”
I whisper, “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I mean, how did I let this happen? I’m supposed to be waiting for Tyler and I’m over here falling for his brother. I’m a whore,” I laugh, shaking my head. “When Tyler finds out, he’s going to be so heartbroken and it’ll be my fault.”
“You have no reason to be sorry.” Getting up from the chair, she comes around my desk and I get up to hug my best friend, the girl who has been there for me and never left my side. “I think you’ll make a mistake if you choose Ryan.”
I’m a little taken aback by her comment. As much as I love Mandy, there’s a manipulative side to her and I wonder if she’s using it on me.
“Tyler’s your forever love. He’s been there for you and wants the best for you. Even though he’s thousands of miles away, he’s still protecting you and checks up on you. I know it’s hard to understand, but a forever love is the kind of love you never want to lose.”