“It’s not like I love Ryan or anything.”
“But you have strong feelings?” I nod my head. “Does he know?” I shrug. “You have to make a decision or else you’ll lose them both girl.”
“I know.” I agree with her statement and in the back of my head, I know this is going to be the toughest path I’ll take. Every time I close my eyes, I see his heart, only I don’t know whose heart it belongs to. “What am I going to do?”
“That’s something you’ll have to figure out girl. Honestly I think you need to go to California and see Tyler. The both of you need to talk and figure this out. ASAP.”
Everything I thought I knew about being in love and what I want goes out the window. I don’t know anything about this. I have to learn how to listen to what my head is telling me. I can’t listen to my heart because it beats for two people. Knowing what I have to do gives me the little strength I need to stand.
“Let’s get lunch,” Mandy suggests and I agree. A little air and girl time will help.
When we get back to the office, I help Damon with his schedule and book his trip to New York City. Finalizing his itinerary and printing it out, I head to his office and place the folder on his desk. There’s a quote calendar that catches my eye on his desk.
“You can love two people, at the same time, and think about them in the same way, but you can’t ever love two people at the same degree.”
How? I don’t get it. I read the quote over and over again, memorizing it, replaying the words in my head until it’s ingrained in my memory. This trip needs to happen as soon as possible.
Heading home, there’s an envelope with my name on it lying on the counter. Picking it up, I open the envelope and take out the letter.
Bayleigh,
I need to get out of here for a little bit. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I think you and I need space.
I’m only a text away. Don’t hesitate to ask me anything.
Ryan
The letter falls to the kitchen floor and I stare blankly at it. He’s gone and never said goodbye. I have space from Tyler and now Ryan. This situation is reaching a level I never thought possible.
I check out some flights the next day at work. There are some I’m looking at and I’m about to purchase tickets when Damon calls.
“Hey. What’s up?”
“I’m stuck at the fucking airport,” he screams. “The damn plane has issues and I can’t get a flight. I need you to get to the airport now and come get me. I’ll have to do this damn meeting via Skype. Need you to stay late tonight and come to the meeting with me tomorrow.”
Fuck. “Okay, I’ll be there in a few.” Shutting down the computer, I grab my things and hurry to pick Damon up.
As soon as we’re back at the office, I’m moving around his schedule and calling the New York City office to let them know of his absence. It takes over four hours to figure out how he’s going to present the information via Skype and his other meetings. Some of the New York assholes are giving me grief and all I can do is apologize.
It’s well after ten in the evening when I’m packing up my things. Heading to Damon’s office, I see Mandy on the floor with him. They’re eating Chinese food and there are files all over. I smile and leave without saying goodbye.
When I get home and shower, I slide into bed and look at my phone. I haven’t heard from Ryan and I don’t try to text him or call him. He has things he needs to figure out and I’m not going to keep pushing him. Whatever is going on with him he obviously needs to figure out on his own.
I think about Tyler and count down the days until he’s back. I miss him. I hold my phone and curse myself. This shouldn’t be this hard.
Me: Hey sorry . . . been busy. How are you?
I wait for a little while and still there’s nothing from Tyler. Turning off my light, I let my eyes close, thinking about him, wondering what he’s doing.
“Tell me how good this feels,” he grips my hair and pulls. I wince and cry, not able to tell him to stop. “Tell me.”
“Please stop,” I tell him, “this isn’t what I want. Please don’t do this anymore.”
“No,” he screams, yanking my head back, “tell me now!”
“It feels so good,” I cry, my voice trembling.
Waking up in a pool of sweat, I cover my face and remember that I’m in my room. Tony isn’t here. I’m safe. I grab my phone and call Tyler. The phone rings and it goes to voicemail.
“I had a,” I pause to regain my voice, “bad dream,” I cry. “Just wanted to talk. I hope you’re doing well. I miss you.” My voice trails off and I try to go back to sleep. Only, it’s not working.
Getting out of bed, I look at the time. Three in the morning. I’m so tired, but I’m scared to go back to sleep. Grabbing my laptop, I pull up the meeting notes for today and review the notes, highlighting the important parts and adding a few suggestions.
Before I know it, I’m in the office and we’re in a meeting. I keep looking at my phone and still there’s nothing from Tyler or Ryan. I sigh and focus again on the meeting.
After back-to-back meetings and a one on one with Damon, I’m back in my office. I have a few things to do for him. Settling in at my desk, I fix the Excel reports for this quarter and add a few notes for Damon to look at. It’s close to eight and my phone has been quiet. Getting up, I stretch my arms over my head and feel my body cracking. I’m still not done with what I have to finish for tomorrow.
My phone rings just as I’m ready to look at the next report. The screen shows Ryan’s name and I smile. “Hey, what’s going on?”
“I need you to come pick me up, please.” The anguish in his voice has me up from my seat and rushing downstairs.
“Where are you?”
“I’m . . .” his voice trails off and I hear him crying, “hospital. Come get me, please.”
“On my way.”
I rush to the hospital and find Ryan sitting on the bench. I quickly park the car and run outside. Kneeling in front of him, I see the pain in his eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
He pulls out a bottle of tequila and downs it. Wiping his mouth he looks at me, “Bad appointment and I’m drunk. I don’t want to go back to the house and I don’t know where else to go,” he looks down and takes another drink. I grab the bottle and toss it in the bushes. “Hey! What the fuck?” he yells.
“No! You don’t need that,” I yell back. “I’m sorry you had a bad appointment. What happened?”
“Nothing. Just a physical. I’m fine,” he says looking at me. “You know,” he lowers his voice, “seeing you and your smile makes it worth it.”
“Come on. You can sleep at my house.”
He nods and gets up. I help him to my car and send a quick text to my parents letting them know about Ryan. When we get to my house and into the living room, I grab a glass of water and crackers and place them on the nightstand. The couch has blankets and pillows.
“Lie down here,” I tell him. Easing him down, I take a seat on the other couch and watch him pull the blanket over his body. “Will you tell me what today was about?”
“No.”
“Well, you’ve been gone for a few days and I have to pick you up from the hospital. Are you okay? Should I be worried? Does your mom know?”
“Just stop talking. I don’t want to talk about me.”
Neither of us talk. I think Ryan needs the calm and quiet right now. My eyes dart around the room to see if my parents will come out and talk to us. They don’t.
“I had a bad dream,” I tell him, “and I’m afraid to go to sleep. I’m not sure how to handle these dreams. I know it’ll come and I know I have to deal with what happened. It’s just hard.” I break the silence after a few minutes.