I’m not sure what she wants me to do. Standing here before her is hard and I’m ready to lose my shit. I don’t want to cry and look like a damn fucking pussy. I’ve cried in front of her before, but this time, if I do break down, I don’t want her to feel obligated to feel sorry for me.
Reaching out, I touch her hand and force another smile. She looks at me with her big, gorgeous brown eyes and tilts her head in that cute way that makes me smile. I squeeze her hand tighter. I can’t do this. Placing my hands on her face, I kiss her with everything I have. Her body freezes and then immediately relaxes. Her arms wrap around my neck and our lips linger on one another. Standing in the middle of her kitchen, holding her, kissing her, wanting to feel her body against mine. It’s doing things to me and I don’t know how I will be able to stop myself.
My lips trail down to her neck, smelling her, breathing her in, feeling her chest rise and fall from excitement. When my lips find hers again, overwhelming feelings rush to me when I realize what’s going on. She’s holding onto me tighter than ever before and meeting me kiss for kiss. Bayleigh pulls me closer and each pull shows me what she’s feeling.
Her tongue twirls in my mouth, tasting me, exploring me like she’s never done before. My hand rests on the small of her back, going down to her ass. I hear soft moans and push my arousal into her.
Immediately, I pull away. I can’t do this.
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t,” I shake my head, “I can’t do this. This kiss means more to me than you’ll ever know. For a split second, it felt like we were on the road to becoming us again and I don’t think that’s going to happen.” I lean forward and kiss her forehead. “I’m keeping that kiss forever.”
Without warning, I leave her kitchen and rush to my house. Taking the stairs two at a time, I head into Ryan’s room and see him on his bed with his ear buds in. When he sees me, he sits up and doesn’t say anything.
“Welcome home brother,” I seethe. Ryan pulls the ear buds out of his ears and gets up from his bed. “You’ve been back less than a month and you’re already causing shit. Do you know my fucking girlfriend is confused?”
“I know. I told her not to be. I want you and her together.”
“You dumb shit.” Swinging my arm with full force, I punch his face and watch him fall to the floor. “She’s mine. Why the fuck are you messing with her head?”
He slowly gets up and wipes the blood from his nose. “I love her too. I told her we can’t be together and we have to be friends. I told her all of this. Tyler, she’s everything to me and everything to you.” His voice gets softer, “There are things you need to know and I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”
“Well, what the fuck are you going to do? Leave town?” He shakes his head. “The longer you stay here, the more confused she’ll be. Why are you fucking doing this?”
“She’s the best part of me and I don’t know how to let her go.”
I slump down to the floor and neither of us says anything. Two brothers who used to be best friends are in love with the same girl and neither one wants to leave.
I’m standing in the middle of my kitchen confused and hurt. I replay his words and I have no idea what’s going on. I call Mandy and beg her to come over. I need girl advice and I need it now. This isn’t making sense. Why would he up and leave like that?
A few minutes later, Mandy comes inside and finds me sitting on the stairs.
“What happened?”
“So, Ryan was over and we were outside, just talking and laughing. As soon as Ryan leaves, Tyler shows up and said he’s been waiting for me, but didn’t want to bother me since I was with Ryan.”
“Okay.”
“We had small talk and it got weird, then he kissed me. I mean like, out of this world, I’ll die without you kiss. Then he said he couldn’t do this and left.”
“He . . . left?” Mandy repeats with a puzzle expression. “Just left. No explanation or fighting?”
“Yep, just left. I don’t know what to think. I mean, it felt so good kissing him and feeling him. I thought we’d take it further a little, not all the way.”
“Okay,” Mandy says, sitting on the stool. “So, how were you and Ryan?”
I shrug, “Normal. We were laughing and talking about my bucket list. I’m not exactly sure what Tyler would have seen that made him act this way.”
“Tell me again how you and Tyler used to be.”
I sigh, “I don’t know. It was dark for me. I barely smiled . . .”
“So the guy you’ve known your whole life couldn’t make you smile, but the guy that leaves you when you need him the most comes back into your life and you open your arms to him. And now he has you laughing and smiling.”
Then it clicks to me.
“I am an idiot. But it’s innocent. Ryan’s . . .”
“Someone you’re falling for. Babe, you can’t have two guys in your life. You have to let someone go.”
“But they aren’t mine. There’s nothing I need to let go.”
“There is, though. You are developing feelings for Ryan. I can see it on your face. And you did tell me you’re not missing Tyler like before, so I really think the kiss was more like goodbye. What do you think?”
I slump against the wall and slide down. She’s throwing my words back at me and I should be upset, but I’m not. She has a point. The kiss was incredible and a bit on the sexier side. The love that used to be there wasn’t as strong. There’s regret stirring inside of me, with a mix of sadness and anger. I’m scared of facing the truth. How can I be falling out of love with Tyler and falling for Ryan?
“I need to figure this out,” I tell Mandy, “or else someone’s getting hurt.”
Mandy and I spend the rest of the day outside sunbathing. My phone’s in my room and I can’t bear to look at it. There’s so much I want to explain to Tyler, and I can’t find the words. It’s driving me crazy.
“Okay, enough moping around. Get ready, because we’re going out!”
Five shots and three drinks later, I’m beyond drunk. Mandy and I can’t stop laughing as we dance to the music in the club. I didn’t realize how much I needed this until now. I raise my arms in the air and move like I haven’t moved in years. I used to love dancing and partying and now I’m not feeling the anchor tying me down.
At the end of the night, we take a taxi home. Well, I take a taxi and Mandy goes home with Damon. I assure her I’m fine. When I step out of the taxi, Ryan is standing on my porch steps.
“Ryan,” I hiccup, “what are you doing here?”
“You weren’t answering my calls or text messages.” He walks to me, putting his arm around my waist to help me up. “You okay?”
“Better than ever,” I hiccup again, “hold on please.” I rush out of his arm and throw up in my mom’s rose bush. Oh, she’s going to kill me. Everything I drank is coming up. I swear if I’m ever near tequila, vodka and Malibu again, I’ll die.
Ryan rubs my back and holds my hair. This is embarrassing. I want to shoot myself in the foot.
A few minutes pass and he helps me inside and we sit on the couch. My parents are out of town tonight, so it’s just us. He hands me a glass of water and I slowly drink it. The cold water feels good down my dry throat.
“Thanks,” I mutter, drinking more water. I turn to face him, needing to know if my feelings are truly how I feel and honestly, I can’t tell. Damn being drunk. “Why are you here?”
“Just making sure you’re okay. Come on, you need to sleep,” he laughs, helping me up from the couch.
“Where’s Tyler?”
He shrugs, “Out with the guys. We had a fight and he got defensive, then left.”
I slump down on the kitchen floor and let out a moan, “I’m never drinking again.” Looking up at Ryan, he’s standing by the counter, with his hands together. “Will you stay with me tonight?”
“Of course.”
Ryan helps me to my room and waits outside while I change into pajamas. Climbing into bed, he sits down next to me, on top of the covers, and looks at me while I lay on my side, staring at the wall. I’m not sure what’s going to happen. I trust him, so I know he won’t do anything to me. I wish I wasn’t so drunk so we could talk.