Needing air, I walk outside with my coffee mug and sit on the tire swing in my backyard. This has been up for so long and I sit out here to think. When I’m outside, everything seems clearer. I think about life and how people can survive the unthinkable. My mind reels on what happened.
I feel hands on my back. Ryan’s pushing me. “I told Tyler I love you and want you. I told him I know you both need to be together, but I can’t get you out of my head. I want to be selfish and make you mine. Only, I can’t be. So what do you want me to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.” He comes around and kneels down. “Talk to me.”
“You told Tyler? I don’t get it. Why would you do that?” I try to hide my bitterness and maintain my composure. If Tyler knows and he texted me, then maybe he understands? But I know Tyler and I know Ryan and this is going to be a mess.
He hangs his head, with his hands resting on my knees. “That’s why we fought last night. We’re both in love with you and neither one of us are willing to leave and let go.”
“What the hell am I supposed to do?”
“Go back to him. I’m no good for you and he’s perfect for you.”
Getting up from the swing, I throw my mug across the yard and fall to my knees. “Stop telling me this! Stop telling me Tyler’s perfect for me. I’m so confused. My life shouldn’t be like this,” I cry. “Haven’t I been through enough? Now let’s go ahead and add that I love two guys and can only be with one.”
I cover my face and regret the words. Feeling Ryan close to me, I open my eyes and see him. His eyes are closed and his hands are resting on his thighs. We’re facing each other and I don’t know what he’s thinking. I don’t know what I’m thinking.
“Bay,” I call out, watching my brother and love of my life. She looks at me and stands up slowly. Ryan looks at me too and stands up, staring at Bayleigh and then me.
“Looks like I came back at a good time. So you love us both, Bay.”
“You weren’t supposed to be back for another few days. Then you show up at my house and kiss me, then leave! You’re confusing me. I told you I need time and I was doing so well. I was learning how to miss you and love you, then you,” she points at Ryan, “you came back and now my head is full of shit. I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready for this conversation.” I see her body tense and her voice trembles, “I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to hear that.”
“Well,” I shrug, “I did. You said what you said and did what you did. You spent time with him and now you’re confused. I’ll add that I haven’t been perfect either.”
“What do you mean?”
Walking over to them, I stop midway and shake my head. “There’s been a girl back in Cali who wants my fucking dick. She keeps pressuring me and wants me. Do you know what it’s like to be fucking wanted?” I scream, “It feels fucking good. I felt like a damn man because someone wanted me and she wanted to be with me. Unlike you,” I seethe, “you act like you’re so innocent. Well newsflash Bay, you aren’t.”
“Tyler,” she cries, “stop. Please understand . . .”
“No!” I scream, “I waited for you. I gave you space and I was faithful. I’ve been gone for three fucking weeks and now I come home and you’re in love with my damn brother. What the fuck did I do wrong?” At this point I’m in her face. I’ve never yelled at her or been really angry, until now.
“Fall back, brother.”
“Get the fuck away from me,” I seethe. “Why the fuck are you back? You were gone and left her alone. I’m the one who took care of her and waited.”
“You know the truth, brother.”
Anger takes over and I feel my fist connect with his face. “It doesn’t matter who she met first! We were five fucking years old,” I scream.
“What are you talking about?” Bayleigh asks, looking at me then at Ryan.
Ryan shakes his head and backs away. “Remember how you always said you fell in love with Tyler when you first met, then you met me?” She nods and I’m about to punch him again. “You met me first, so that means you loved me first and then you fell for my brother. Do you know how hard it was to watch you fall in love with him when you loved me?”
“What do you mean?”
“I never told you my name when we first met. You assumed it was Tyler because he saw you through the window and wanted you. There was something about you that drew us both in. So when you met him, you assumed and we never corrected you because that’s what you do when you’re in love. It’s a sacrifice. You were supposed to be mine and now I’ll never have you because I’m fucking dying.”
Both of us look at Ryan and he moves away, wiping his mouth. The tears in his eyes fall and he stands taller.
“That’s right. I’m dying. I only have a few more weeks. There’s a tumor in my brain and there’s nothing that can be done. I ignored all the headaches and shit I’ve been feeling. That night you got me from the hospital was the night they told me it was terminal.” I watch him laughing and soon the laughter turns to tears. “Do you know what it’s like to live like this? I knew about the tumor and a specialist in Chicago helped me. It was a few months after the rape,” he explains, “I went through surgery and everything necessary. I fucking followed their instructions!” He screams, falling to the ground and punching the grass. “Everything,” he cries. “They said I would be okay and there may be a chance the tumor would come back. So I lived my life and then came back because I had to see you. The headaches came back and I felt sick. So I made an appointment.”
Bayleigh takes my hand and I don’t pull away. We don’t move from where we’re standing and we listen to everything he’s telling us.
“I want my last days to be with you, Bayleigh, and to make things right by you, Tyler.” He looks at both of us and cries, “Now I’ll never know what it’s like to be with you. All I fucking want is to make things right.”
Ryan gets up from the ground and walks away. I’m speechless. When I turn to look at Bayleigh, there are tears streaming down her face. I don’t make an attempt to dry her tears because my very own are falling.
I help Bayleigh to her room and stay with her until she falls asleep. Kissing her forehead, I head home and try to deal with the news of my brother. Walking into the living room, our mom is sitting by the fireplace and she’s looking at pictures. Our photo albums are all around her feet, and there’s a bottle of wine next to her with an empty glass.
“Mom?” She turns to look at me. “What’s going to happen?”
“I wish I had the answers, Tyler. I wish I knew what to do,” she cries. “He’s only twenty-three,” she sobs, “how can this happen?” Running over, I take my mom in my arms and hold her. We sit and cry, asking ourselves how life can be so fucking cruel.
Helping her get to her room, I open Ryan’s bedroom door and go inside. “There’s nothing they can do?” He turns my way and shakes his head.
“Nothing. I’m dying and it’s something I have to accept.”
“So you’re giving up?” This causes him to stand up and get in my face.
“I tried everything. I had the best fucking team and there’s nothing that can be done. Terminal, Tyler. Fucking terminal means no fucking cure. Nothing. There’s this fucking thing in my brain, pushing down and causing me to be sick. Do you think I want this? Huh?” He screams and turns away from me, punching the wall and collapsing on the floor. “I wanted to live, man. I wanted to come back and be the good guy for once.”
It’s been three days since I talked to Ryan and Tyler. I’m keeping busy and putting my energy into work. I bring home my laptop over the weekend and review Damon’s reports and come in early on Monday. I look at the calendar, and notice the original date of Tyler’s return. The big circle I drew with his name and a heart taunts me. Even though I want to see both guys, I know I can’t. It’s hard for me to put in perspective how I feel. I want to see a psychic so they can tell me which path to take. I need a sign or something to tell me what I need to do.