Lifting my head to look at him again, I see the love he has for me in his eyes. There’s a mix of sadness and pain. I know this is taking a lot of his strength and I should make him sleep. Saying no to someone who’s dying isn’t easy. I want him to have these memories and be okay. There have been so many times I have prayed to have a miracle and wake up to a healthy Ryan.
Unfortunately this tumor is winning and it’s about to take my best friend away.
When the last song ends, I help Ryan back into bed and pull the covers over him. I get on the other side and rest my cheek on his chest, listening to his breathing and his heart beating. These are the best sounds in the world.
“You mean the world to me,” he says, kissing the top of my head. “My world.”
Squeezing his hand, I tell him to sleep and close his eyes, because when we dream there’s no pain and we’re happy.
“I love you,” he whispers and I have to silence my tears.
The last few weeks I’ve been thinking about my life and how it’s going to be without Ryan. The lake house was getting too cold for Ryan so we’re back at his house. I’m now staying with him full time. My parents are being wonderful and keeping Moira busy.
Tyler isn’t back yet and I’m not sure if he wants to be here. We don’t talk about him. Moira doesn’t update me anymore and that’s okay. I understand his anger and frustration for me, but not his brother. They’re supposed to be there for one another. Having a brother means having a best friend. I wish Tyler would understand how badly we need him.
I need someone by my side. It’s hard seeing him getting worse. Slowly I’m watching him die and every night we lie in bed and he holds me, telling me about the ways he loves me.
I’m not ready to lose him.
The state I’m in would qualify as hot mess. I’m living in yoga pants and hoodies. My body hurts from the lack of not working out and I’m getting moodier with each day. I don’t want to be sad because he doesn’t need to see me cry. It’s the only thing I can do. He can barely get out of bed and when he does, it’s only for a few minutes.
He’s so young and won’t get to live his life the way he wants. How can his life end so young? There are people out there who are murderers and get to live, while someone as good and pure as Ryan is dying because of a tumor no one can remove. How is life fair? I’m struggling to understand why someone so young, with so much life, is facing the end. I’m trying to be upbeat and positive. I don’t want his last days with us to be spent crying.
We spend most of the time in his bedroom or in the kitchen. He loves watching me bake and reminds me to use sugar and not salt.
These are the memories worth making and the memories I’ll always keep.
Mandy and Damon come to visit often and we have dinner with them a lot. I’m happy because my best friend is engaged and pregnant. Seeing them together, as happy as I am for them, makes me sad. I think about Tyler and wonder how he’s doing. I’ve kept my distance and Ryan’s tried to reach out to his brother a few times. I know he’ll come back and stay with us soon. He has to.
“What are you thinking about, sweetheart?”
Looking up I smile, “Nothing. Just happy to be spending time with you. Are you okay?”
“I hate this,” he sadly says. “Can we sit outside and watch the sunset?” I nod and help him downstairs to the deck. While he’s adjusting himself on the chair, I send a text to Tyler and ask him to please come home and spend a day with Ryan before he passes away.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the wedding you want. I hope that marrying me was okay.”
Bending down, I kiss his lips and smile, “Yes. I love you Ryan and even though we aren’t legally married, it doesn’t matter. I love you and you love me.”
He rests his forehead against mine, “All that matters is now. Promise me when I die, you’ll live. You won’t sit and mourn over me. You’ll live the life you’re supposed to and have the love you deserve.”
“I promise,” I wipe away my tears, “I promise.”
“I’m so lucky,” he says with a smile on his face.
“Why’s that?”
“Because I met the love of my life. I thought I’d have to go through this alone, but when I saw you again, I knew I had to have you. I know I won’t make it and I wish I could see those beautiful brown eyes for the rest of my life. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I hope you know that. I was supposed to die months ago, but you saved me. You kept me alive. I know what love is because of you, Chip. All because of you.” He leans over and kisses me again. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I deepen the kiss and feel his warmth.
“Thank you for breathing life back into me.”
We sit on the deck, holding hands, and watch the sunset. I look over and see his peaceful face. This is what I want for him. I don’t want him in pain or having regrets. Ryan doesn’t need any of that. He needs to relax and be comfortable. I make sure we laugh every day and each day is spent loving each other. Love doesn’t have to be physical or about the extravagant things. If you can sit there, holding hands, embracing the beauty of life, then you found love.
Helping him back upstairs so he can get ready for bed, I sit on the bed and look at my phone again. It’s been so long since we’ve talked to Tyler. I pray to God he’s getting our messages and he’ll be here soon. I don’t want him living a life of regret.
Just as I’m about to check on Ryan, I see the door open and Tyler’s standing there with his eyes on me.
“Hi,” he calmly says, “how is he?”
I get up from the bed and run into his arms. “You’re here,” I quietly say, hugging him tight. Only I’m the only one holding on. Letting him go and giving us space, I look at him. “He’s not doing well. We just got back inside and he’s in the shower now, getting ready for bed.”
“I’ll check on him.” His voice is void and there’s nothing left. I know this is hard on him and I hope he can put on a smile for the sake of his brother. When both guys come out of the bathroom, I watch Tyler help Ryan get in bed.
“I’ll see you two in the morning. Goodnight.”
“You’re staying here too?” I ask.
“Of course. This is my house,” he coldly answers. “Let me know if there’s anything either of you need.”
“Thanks Tyler. It means a lot to me that you’re here.” Tyler nods and walks out of the bedroom. He doesn’t look at me and I don’t blame him. I never asked myself how he’s feeling, seeing me in bed with his brother and wearing a ring that symbolizes our love.
We get comfortable in bed and I rest my head on his chest. “Are you glad you came back?” I ask him.
“I am. Being here has been what I need and I’m glad to have you next to me. I know this isn’t want you truly wanted.”
“Stop, Ryan. This is where I want to be.” I can’t help to look at the door while I say this. I feel completely guilty and stupid for feeling this way.
“I wish I could be here and watch you grow up and achieve all your dreams. I wish I could be here when you get pregnant and have babies,” he quietly says, holding back his tears before he continues. “Just because I won’t be here doesn’t mean you can’t be happy and I hope you and Tyler find your happy place. I need to know you’re going to be okay. I don’t like what I saw between the two of you. Maybe you should go out there and talk to him.”
I think about what he’s saying. My eyes are still on the door and I want so badly for him to understand. I want so badly to feel his arms around me, but I made a promise to Ryan and I’m going to keep it.
“Ryan stop. Please, let’s go to bed.”
Honestly, thinking about Tyler is breaking my heart. As much as I want to be with him and hear his voice, I’m where I should be. Ryan’s perfect in his own way. Knowing he’s going to pass away soon, and I can’t have him here, is breaking my heart. They say you don’t know what love is until it’s going to leave and I didn’t realize how much I loved him until now.