The bond we share is so strong and that’ll never change. No matter where we are, we’ll always be side by side.
Heading downstairs, I see Tyler outside. He’s sitting on a chair on the deck and drinking a cup of coffee. Quickly making myself a cup, I walk outside and sit down next to him.
“Do you ever wonder about life and the meaning of it?”
“All the time.” I take a sip of my coffee and look at him. “What are you thinking about?”
“That it fucking sucks my brother is dying and my mom’s a wreck. That the woman I love is sharing his bed and even though there’s not much I can do I still wonder if life will bring us back together.”
I watch his eyes on me and I wonder the same thing. When Ryan passes away, things are going to be different. I’m not sure how we’ll handle the loss and I’m not sure what we’ll do when it happens.
“I think everything happens for a reason and we’ll find our way,” I smile and take his hand. “Do you want that?”
“I’m not sure. There are things I’ve said and done and I don’t think you can forgive me.”
I swallow the lump in my throat and wonder what he’s talking about. Instead of asking I relax in the chair and squeeze his hand.
“I have something for you.” Before I can say anything, Tyler heads inside and comes back out holding a box. He hands me the box and I open it to see a beautiful infinity necklace.
“This is beautiful,” I cover my mouth and cry. “Thank you so much, Tyler.” He takes the necklace from my hands and places it around my neck. The way his fingers are brushing my skin is making my heart beat fast. I miss his hands on me. I miss him.
Coming around to sit back down he looks at me and smiles. “It looks beautiful on you. A beautiful necklace for a beautiful girl.” He lifts my hand to his lips and we both close our eyes.
“I have to go and check on Ryan.”
“I know,” he whispers and lets me go. “Let me know if you need anything.”
“I will, Tyler. Thank you.”
Kissing him on the cheek, I go inside and back to his room. Sitting down next to him, I touch his cool face and put more blankets on him to make sure he’s comfortable. I wish this wasn’t happening to him. I curse God for taking away someone who deserves to live his life.
I’m not sure how long I’m up here for. Ryan’s still sleeping and I wonder when he’ll wake up. He needs to eat something. I’m scared to wake him up. He needs his strength, so I lie down next to him and read on my Kindle.
Night falls and Ryan slowly wakes up. He turns his head and smiles. “Hi.”
“Hi, sleepy head. How are you feeling?”
“Okay. But can we sit outside again. I know it’s cold out, but I want to look at the night sky with you.”
Grabbing his sweater and jacket, I help him down and we walk downstairs. Tyler and Moira are in the living room and watch us walk outside. They look worried and I give them a reassuring smile.
When we sit down, I look at Ryan and he’s mesmerized by the stars and clouds.
“Do you think I can touch a star when I’m in Heaven?”
“I think you can do anything you want to do wherever you are,” I hold his hand and try my best to hold back the tears. “You’re so strong, Ryan. You can do anything and you’ll be pain free soon.” I can’t hold it back anymore. “God, why does this have to happen to you?”
“I know, Bayleigh. But we have a purpose in life. I was sent to come back to you and make sure you’ll be okay and you will be. I know it’ll be hard, but please don’t forget the promise you made me. It’ll all be okay.”
I hear his voice getting weaker and his hand is getting colder. I yell for Tyler to come out here and help me bring Ryan back inside. We get him up the stairs and back in bed. Moira brings us blankets and puts it on him. My heart sinks when I see the color in his face go pale and the light in his eyes slowly disappearing.
I need him to keep fighting. He can’t leave yet. No, please Ryan fight.
Rushing over to his side, I curl up next to him and sing a song. I sing about love and finding peace. I sing about anything to keep him awake.
“Please stay awake.”
The hours pass and I feel Tyler’s hand on my hip. Everyone is in the room and I look around to see Mandy holding Moira and Damon is standing in the corner wiping his eyes.
“Everyone’s here, Ryan,” I whisper, softly waking him up. When he opens his eyes, there’s a small smile on his face.
“Hey everyone. Sorry I look like shit right now,” he laughs, “thanks for being here and promising to watch over this girl. God I love her,” he says, laughing and holding my hand. “I want to say I love you all and I know you’ve been through a lot since I’ve been back. Thanks for never giving up on me.”
Everyone in the room cries and I hold onto him tighter, and longer. I don’t want him to leave yet. Not yet. Please keep fighting. Ryan gives me the strength I need to keep fighting and living my life. He’s the breath I need to get through the day and now not only will he be leaving, but he’s taking away my light.
My strength.
Watching him smile with his eyes on everyone and softly talking to Mandy and his mom, I look over at Tyler and he’s in the corner with his arms crossed and his eyes closed. This can’t be easy for him. He’s not only losing his brother, but friend. These boys have been through so much together.
Looking back at Ryan and hearing his voice, I’ll miss hearing him talk to me. I’ll miss hearing him say my name. I’ll miss how he pushed me and made me do things, even though I fought against it for so long.
I’ll miss it all.
When everyone says their goodbyes, they leave us alone in his room. I rest my head on his shoulder and our hands are stretched out, resting on his lap.
“Bayleigh Renee.”
“Yes, Ryan Alexander.”
“When I was sleeping, I had a dream about you. It was our future. Five or seven years from now and we have a baby. She’s beautiful,” he coughs and holds me tighter. “Stay with me tonight.”
“I’m not leaving you, Ryan. I promise this is where I’ll be.”
“I’m not going to make it,” he whispers and I shut my eyes to force myself to remain calm so I don’t cry. “I’m glad you’re here though.”
My heart aches when I hear his frail voice. He’s okay with dying. I don’t get it. I don’t understand how he’s at peace and I’m lying here with a broken heart.
“Do you know how much I love you?” I nod my head. “Your love kept me alive and I’m so thankful for you. I’m so lucky to have spent the last few weeks with you.” Tears stream down my face. I can’t maintain my composure. This is harder than I thought. I don’t know how I’m going to be okay when he leaves this Earth. I don’t know how any of us will be okay.
“I need you to promise me you’ll be okay,” he coughs and struggles to breathe. I get up and look at him, telling him to breathe and relax.
“Stop worrying,” I cry, “I’m going to be okay. I promise you I’ll be okay and I’ll be happy. But I need you to stop talking and hold me.”
“I’ll hold you. Always in my heart. Always.” He slowly closes his eyes and opens his eyes again. “There you are,” he smiles and kisses me on my lips. “Please stay here with me. I don’t want to be alone.”
“You have nothing to worry about. I won’t leave you.”
“When I see you again, you’ll have so much to tell me, “ he smiles, “and I’m going to enjoy listening to you talk about your life. You’re going to live to be old and gray, with your great great grandchildren around you. You’ll have the family you’ve always wanted and I’ll get to watch it all happen. When you watch the sunset, please think of me. Please remember our love and remember how strong you are. Even though I’m gone, it doesn’t mean I’m not standing by your side because I promise that’s where I’ll be until it’s your time to come to heaven.”
I sob in his arms, uncontrollable ugly sobs. I can’t be strong for him because I know that soon he’ll be gone. “I love you so much, Ryan. I’m always going to love you. Your memory will live on and it’ll be us. Just us.”