I told her that many consumptives feel this sensation of comfort before their end but it is a fleshly delusion, and it is a fearful thing to fall in to the hands of an angry God. She said, “God be praised he will never abandon me!”
I told her that only the poor in spirit enter the Kingdom of Heaven, whereupon she declared her spiritual poverty with a vehemence only pride could inspire. I told her so. She screamed, “I am not proud. I am Humble! Humble! Humble!” which brought on such a violent fit of coughing that I had to support her back and hold the bowl while she retched into it. After this she lay down exhausted and I pointed out that God would save her if she loved him utterly, but she was in peril because she still loved herself. Weeping she said that, if she was wrong, surely God would show her? I said he was showing her through me.
June 18th — Tonight, by the grace of God, another addition to my little congregation, and I believe a firm one. Since my declaration at Dr Ollivant’s banquet George Thomas has come to it twice only, praying almost inaudibly, otherwise maintaining a silence throughout our discussions that showed the spirit in him was still weak indeed. He came an hour late tonight and surveyed us with his back against the door and an expression I can only call sarcastic. We did not rise from our knees. He said, “The Lampeter Brethren! The Lampeter Brethren!” and chuckled. I asked if he was drunk. He said, “Not very. In vino veritas you know,” and asked if he should leave. I said, not if he had something to say.
He said that in some ways he admired us. He didn’t object to our Principal riding to hounds because there was nothing in Holy Writ against killing foxes, but Ollivant was too fond of money. He was Rector of two parishes, and angling for a third, and his work here meant he hardly visited any. Then he said, “But Prince, you are an abominable fellow. Abominable.”
At this Rees told Thomas he had better leave. I said “No, stay Thomas,” (standing up to face him) and, “Abominable, yes, carry on.”
He then said I kept suggesting people were not humble enough and I had the pride of Lucifer. I thought only of myself — how could I help people if I didn’t love them? I wanted fellow students in this prayer group because through prayer I could master them without liking them. That was also why I searched out poor dying men and women and plagued their last moments. It was not gentlemanly. It was not nice. He had no wish to be offensive but it was not nice.
I had difficulty silencing the protests of the others but they listened when I told them that Thomas was right about me. I am cold-hearted. My mother and sister have idolized me and given me all they can but I do not love them. They are the kind of church-goers who have never experienced God, and the fact that they will go to Hell does not dismay me as it should. The only human creature I much like is an elderly Catholic lady who taught me to pray from the heart, but I love her less than I love Jesus, and my love for Jesus is feeble indeed. Sometimes I feel close to him and swim serenely in an ocean of living, liquid love. But after an hour of this Holy Communion with the bridegroom of my soul I feel, not that God is good and glorious, but that I am good and glorious. And at once I am cast down and have to lie many weeks before the gate of Hell without one drop of Heavenly moisture to wet my tongue. Yes, my pride is like Lucifer’s. I need honest friends to show me the detestable body of my wicked will. That was why Thomas had been sent here tonight by God. Could Thomas not see that? Would he not join us in a prayer for the salvation of my soul and the souls of my spiritual brothers here assembled? For the souls, if he wished, of all the college?
He said he could hardly refuse a request like that, and knelt and joined us, heart and soul, I verily believe.
June 20th — I returned today to my dying penitent. Her husband opened the door and tried to deny me entrance. He said his wife was very ill and I had made her terribly unhappy. I told him she needed me. He said violently, “You will not cross this door sir!”
She heard his voice and screamed, “O David let him in! Let him in David.”
He hesitated and I entered.
At once she began telling me she was a great sinner and much afraid of dying. She incessantly asked me, “Shall I die? Am I dying? Has God answered your prayers? Will he forgive my sins? Are you sure?”
The anguish of her mind became intolerable. Some perspiration appearing on the body she thought to be the forerunner of death, and jumping out of bed she dashed herself naked upon the floor, crying and shrieking in a most horrible manner. She called for leeches, blisters, bleeding to save her life, and then cried for prayer, Bible, sacraments to save her soul. And at last I dared to feel that it was indeed the hand of the living God who was shaking her soul and preparing it to receive his overwhelming grace. At last she lay still and exhausted in bed, her husband standing amazed at the door, biting his knuckles. As she stared into my eyes I asked if she recognized me? She nodded. I told her I thought she was now ready to meet God. Her mouth was moved by something like a smile. I asked if she loved him? She whispered, “I love God and I love you.”
1837
Sept. 24th — The Spirit having moved me to fast for several days, I feel the power of the flesh very much in respect of appetite: I frequently prefer a piece of bread and cheese to God. I discern distinctly that I am a beast — earthly, sensual, devilish; also that the world, all that is seen, is outside of God. The whole world lieth in the devil, but I am of God. Lord deliver me from self, and let my will be so wholly swallowed up in Thine that Thou mayest become my Self. Amen, and Amen!
My health continues very precarious. Deemed it to be the will of God that I should not complete the College term; wrote for a certificate of exemption; the authorities readily consented. It is wonderful how God disposes the hearts of others toward me. Am to return to Bath on Wednesday with Mother who will take me up when her carriage passes through Lampeter: her plan to visit cousins (which would have made that impossible) is now put off. Truly, God is “wonderful in working”. When the promptings of a man’s heart affect the purposes of Jehovah, He makes a way for them. I have done with plans, purposes, intentions, I am a mere instrument, in the hands of The Divine Architect, for the building of His spiritual temple.
Oct. 5th — Have been shaken over the grave by an attack of dysentery attended with extreme pain, tendency to fainting, with a fluttering pulse above one hundred, and a clammy skin, that I thought it not improbable that I should die in a few minutes. Like one hovering between life and death I took a hasty review of my past — the whole appeared like one long, uninterrupted sin. How wonderful is the wisdom of God: had this taken place at Lampeter, I should have died without the diet and close attention that has barely kept life in me, even here. Save me, O Lord, from my most subtle, persevering, ever present and most deadly enemy, my self; blot out my sin with Thine most precious blood. Cleanse my polluted soul with Thine own indwelling holiness! Amen, and Amen.