Nov. 29th — The lord has been conducting my soul through clouds and darkness, and has convinced me of my entire impotency, to a degree I could scarcely conceive. My soul has been like a waste and howling wilderness, dark, barren, hard, and desolate; my Heaven was brass, and my Earth iron; and my soul seemed only fit to be the habitation of dragons, and a court for screech owls. Self was bound hand and foot in the midst of this unadulterated misery; corruption raged. I could see neither light, nor grace, nor God; could neither think, nor reflect, nor turn to God, nor recollect myself. My soul was driven to an extremity 
I could not turn to the right hand nor to the left. All doing was come to an end; it was a time of pure suffering: yet I was in perfect peace for my spirit was abiding in God, and dwelt in “a peaceable habitation”, even while the hail came “down on the forest”.
I visited poor Y. last week; he had been ill three weeks. The door of the house was locked, so that I was obliged to clamber in at the window. He was alone in his miserable hovel, sitting shivering over a small fire, with a few potatoes and his Bible. The poor fellow had just been passing through a fiery trial, during which he was sore pressed by Satan to destroy himself: Hell seemed open to him, Christ far away, prayer almost impossible: he wandered about in agony and terror for many days until comfort gradually returned. He was much in the Spirit when I saw him, and very changed in character — though haughty, proud and independent spirit had sunk into the gentleness and meekness of a little child; he could not open his mouth for shame; he prayed and so did I: it was a good time; I felt God to be in the room, and found much communion of spirit.
Y. was converted many years ago; his conversion was remarkable, and attended, at first, with great alarm, and subsequently, with full reconciliation, and much joy and love. Some years afterwards — about nine years ago — he was prevailed upon to take more liquor than he could bear, under the influence of which he was tempted by others, and actually committed fornication. The result was a total departure of his former peace, great anguish, fear of hell, and an accusing conscience. He has never known settled peace since, through he has sought it with many tears, but has been a mourner all his days. And not withstanding his outward diseases, which have been severe, he has scarcely ever known what it is to have the light of the Lord’s countenance shine upon him since the days of his iniquity. Surely, sin is indeed an evil, and a bitter thing; or, as he says, “God will not let His people have sin cheap.”
Dec 6th — This day my beloved Mother in Christ consented to become my wife.
“This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvellous in our eyes.” How peculiar has been our intercourse; how remote from everything that could have led me to anticipate such a result as this. God has been wonderfully preparing us for each other, without our entertaining the least suspicion of what He was about. As I walk upon the downs with my dear Martha I am happy to find that, though I love her dearly, she is not the supreme object of my affections for I love God and Jesus Christ infinitely better. He reminds us that the other is a creature, and I feel that if God were to make over the whole universe to my absolute control, there is an appetite for Jesus which only He could satisfy. He calls me to walk with Him and be perfect.
1838
Dec 10th — Yesterday I saw myself so exceedingly wicked that I felt I had done M. an injury in asking her to marry such a wretch, and ought to ask forgiveness for doing so. Then I suffered, for about two hours, intense agony from toothache, during which I was enabled, through grace, to cleave unto Jesus inwardly, and find enjoyment in Him. I could bless Him for my pain and thankful that He allowed me to suffer in anyway to His glory. O self, thou are my bitterest, most implacable and cruel enemy! Why does’t thou pursue me so, even to the very gate of Heaven? For thou cans’t not enter it.
Am returning to Lampeter. I do not go here or there; but God takes me up and puts me down just where He pleases. He gives me grace and strength to preach the Gospel from the sofa and armchair as effectually as from the pulpit.
183?46 — Yesterday I had arranged to walk with Rees and Thomas into Swansea. Today they came into my room when I was asking the Holy Spirit whether or not I should take an umbrella and had received no clear reply. I told them that perhaps God did not choose that I visit Swansea. Rees asked me if some matters were not too trivial to refer to Almighty God. None, I told him. He said he was quite sure God did not mind him visiting Swansea. I bade him goodbye and he left. Brother Thomas chose to remain. I told him that my mother in God, my Catholic friend Miss Freeman, had written to tell me she is being baptized in to the Church of England. He agreed that as we are engaged to marry this is splendid news, then suggested that, since we were staying indoors this afternoon, we might construe Aristotle together. I told him God’s spirit did not move me to study the classics. Christ did not choose scholars to spread his word, he chose ignorant fishermen. The Holy Spirit taught them what to do and say: will teach us also, so I would not prepare for the examination. He said, “I loath the classics too — they keep referring to beastly natural functions as if they were ordinary. But if we don’t pass the exam we won’t be ordained clergymen — we’ll be as cut off from the Apostolic Succession as any Methodist or Quaker. How can you get over that?”
I told him that problem could be left in the hands of God.
1839
April 12th — The east wind usually makes me dreadfully ill. It has blown steadily for three weeks, but God gave me faith to believe it would not injure me, nor did it, though I went out in it daily. Yesterday my faith failed, and the wind being strong and the sun hot I expected to be laid up when Lo! the wind shifted to the North. I have no doubt that God gave me special faith and then took it away when it was no longer needed. Nor do I doubt that I, through faith, subdued the east wind to the glory of God.
June 7th — Today Dr Ollivant announced what he said would come as a relief to many. Queen Victoria’s coronation will soon be upon us. With that in mind he had petitioned the Archbishop for a remission of the approaching examination. That remission had now been granted. All students are therefore to consider themselves as having passed. Many outside the circle of the Brethren burst into unseemly applause. Only those proud of their scholastic merit were disgruntled. Only Thomas, formerly a doubter, looked at me with full understanding of this miracle. I fear that Rees, like many others, thanks God for it but thinks Ollivant mainly responsible!
July 16th — On Tuesday, July 10 was married to my beloved M. Truly I may say of Thee, O my God, “This is the Lord’s doing, it is marvellous in our eyes.” I never discerned the Lord’s hand so distinctly in any event of my life, than I do in my union with dear M. He has abundantly confirmed my trust in His wondrous condescension and tender regard for His dear, though undeserving, children. With respect to my health I may say I know not when I felt so well as I did on the morning of my marriage. God is allowing me rest and quietude, with some relaxation of the outer man to confirm my health with a view to more effective future duty, either in doing or suffering. As I walk and drive about the Downs with dear M., enjoying the fine air and doing nothing, I feel how utterly contemptible life would be if the object and end were nothing better than enjoyment; indeed had not the Will of God called me to this life I would feel it were no life. I seem no better than a vegetation. O how truly miserable must be those who live to be happy.