“I see,” she said slowly, though she still didn’t understand. “So . . . when you make a mistake you don’t apologize?”
“Not unless it’s pretty massive—oh, you say you’re sorry, if you step on someone’s foot, but you don’t make a procedure out of it. Most mistakes—you own up, of course, and take the responsibility, but the apology is understood.”
It was not understood, Esmay was sure, nearly as well as an apology properly delivered in plain speech. However, if they chose to be rude about it, she couldn’t change that. “Is it offensive?” she asked, intent on mapping the edges of Fleet courtesy.
“Oh no, not offensive. A little bothersome, if someone’s always doing it—it makes seniors a bit nervous, because they don’t know how sincere it is.”
Esmay felt her brows rising. “You have insincere apologies?”
“Of course,” he said. Then he took another look at her face. “You don’t,” he said. Not a question.
“No.” Esmay took a long breath. She felt as if she’d ridden out into a dry riverbed and sunk hock-deep in quicksand. She went on, quickly, keeping her voice as unemotional as possible. “In our—on our world, an apology is always part of taking responsibility for errors. It accompanies action taken to redress the wrong and ensure that the error is not repeated.” That was almost a quote from the Conventions. “An insincere apology is like any other lie.” Serious, she meant, and her mouth tingled at the memory of the hot peppers that had impressed her with the importance of telling the truth, no matter how unpleasant. She had not suspected her father of an insincere apology . . . just one far too late and insufficient.
“Fascinating,” he said; by his tone he meant it the right way, real interest and not idle curiosity about the barbarians. “It must be very different, if you didn’t know—I mean—”
“I understand what you mean,” said Esmay. “It’s—a new idea for me, that apologies could get me into trouble.”
“Not trouble exactly, but the wrong idea about you.”
“Yes. I take your point. Thank you for the information.”
“You don’t have to thank—” Again that bright-eyed look. “But you do, don’t you? Thanking goes with apologizing . . . your world must be terribly formal.”
“Not to me,” Esmay said. It wasn’t formality, it was caring about how others felt, caring how your actions affected them. Formality was Founders’ Day dinners, or the awards ceremonies, not one of the twins coming in to apologize for having broken her old blue mug.
“Do we—I mean, do the others born into Fleet—seem rude to you?”
Should she answer that? She couldn’t lie, and he had been unexpectedly honest with her. “Sometimes,” Esmay said. She forced herself to smile. “I expect that I sometimes seem rude to you—or them.”
“Not rude,” he said. “Very polite—extremely polite, even formal. Everyone says how nice you are—so nice they couldn’t figure out how you could do what you did.”
Esmay shivered. Did they really think rudeness went with strength, with the killing way, that someone who said please and thank you and I’m sorry couldn’t fight or command in battle? A grim satisfaction flowered briefly: if the Altiplano militia ever came offplanet, Fleet wouldn’t know what hit them. Pride is a blossom of ashes. The old saying rang in her ears. Bitter in the mouth, sharp to the nose, stinging to the eyes, and blown away on the first wind from the mountains. Plant no pride, lest you harvest shame. She almost shook her head to free it from that old voice.
“I’m not sure myself how I did what I did—besides making a great number of unnecessary mistakes.”
“Mistakes! You stopped a Benignity invasion—”
“Not by myself.”
“Well, no, you weren’t out there on your white horse galloping across the stars alone.” He sounded as sarcastic as he looked.
This time Esmay took the offensive. “Why do you people use that image so much? The white horse thing, I mean. Yes, we use horses on Altiplano, but where did you get the idea that they’re all white?”
“Oh, that’s not about you,” he said. “Nor Altiplano. It’s from the Tale of the White Knights, who all rode white horses and spent their time doing great deeds. Didn’t you have that in your libraries?”
“Not that I know of,” Esmay said. “Our folk tales ran to Brother Ass and the Cactus Patch. Or the Starfolk and the Swimmers of Dawn. The only heroes on horses we know about were the Shining Horde.”
He blinked. “You really do come from another culture. I thought everybody had grown up with the White Knights, and I never heard of the Swimmers of Dawn, or Brother Ass. The Shining Horde—that wasn’t an ancestor of the Bloodhorde, was it?”
“No.” That thought sickened her. “They’re just legends; supposedly they were people with strange powers, who could glow in the dark.” She glared at the twinkle in his eye. “Without getting too close to atomics,” she said firmly.
The climbers, now near the base of the wall, ended that conversation. Esmay went over to see what equipment they used—much like that she’d used at home—and was offered more help than she wanted if only she’d join the climbing club. They would teach her; she could start on the easy end.
“I’ve scrambled around some boulders,” she said.
“Well, you should come join us,” one of the climbers said. “We can always use new members and soon you’ll be right up there—” he pointed. “It’s like nothing else, and this is the only ship I know with a real Wall.” He was so clearly entwined in his hobby that Esmay felt no embarrassment; he would have welcomed anyone willing to climb off the flat deck. “Come on—just go up a little, and let me see how you move. Pleeease?”
Esmay laughed, and started up the wall. She had never done as much climbing as her male cousins, but she had learned how to reach and shift her center of gravity without swinging away from the slope. She made it up a meter or so before losing her grip and slithering back down.
“Good start,” the tall climber said. “You’ll have to come again . . . I’m Trey Sannin, by the way. If you need climbing gear, there’s some in our club lockers.”
“Thanks,” Esmay said. “I might do that. When’s your meeting time?” Sannin told her, then led the other climbers away. “And thank you,” she said to Barin. “I’m sorry I misjudged you, and you’ll just have to put up with my apology—at least this time.”
“Gladly,” he said. He had an engaging grin, she noticed, and she felt an impulse to trust him even more than she had already.
That night she slept free of nightmares, and dreamed of climbing the cliffs of home with a dark-haired boy who was not quite Barin Serrano.
Chapter Eleven
Over the next few decads, Esmay found herself chatting with Barin Serrano even away from the mess hall. They had gone climbing once, with the club, and after a couple of hours of sweating on the Wall, she could not be shy with any of the climbers, let alone Barin. Then they had found themselves in the same corner during one of the officer socials, simply because Ensign Zintner had cornered a tray of the best cookies and they’d spotted her doing it.
Esmay did not let herself notice that the nightmares were not as intense on the evenings she spent with Barin and his friends. Instead, she concentrated on what he could show her about the unofficial customs of Fleet. Gradually, she thought of him less and less as “that nice Serrano boy” and more and more as the kind of friend she had not known she wanted.
In his company, she found herself making other friends. Zintner, whose lifelong background in heavy engineering made her the ideal person to ask for references when Pitak had handed Esmay a problem she couldn’t solve. Lieutenant Forrester, who came to the climbing club meetings about half the time, and whose sunny attitude brightened any gathering. She began to realize that not all the people who approached her were interested only in her notoriety.