Her answering glare was frightening.
Okay, maybe that was a bad idea. Clearing my throat, I calmed my tone. “Honestly, I’m proud that you kissed me. I always wondered if you had the guts.”
She paused. “Wait, what are you talking about?”
“I could always tell you liked me a bit…” As soon as the words left my mouth, a lightbulb flicked off in my head. I knew exactly how to let her go. I didn’t want to, but I knew it was necessary to save both our sanities. My voice came out, sounding like a distant echo. “I just thought those feelings were misplaced.”
“Misplaced?”
That was when the word vomit started. Wait, it wasn’t even word vomit. It was flat out bullshit. Pungent, fly-infested bullshit.
“You were bored!” Just like that, the same mask I wore throughout high school was once again placed firmly across my face. Back when I was younger, I easily pushed people out of my life as a sense of self-preservation. Just because I was older didn’t mean I still couldn’t do so. Placing a cold look on my face, I remarked, “I was the high school bad boy. What naïve school girl wouldn’t fall for that?”
She slammed her hand against the counter, causing me to jump. “I’ll have you know that I was never naïve.”
“Never, huh?” I smirked.
“Give me one example.”
“You were bored, Rocky. You were too nice and too good to be doing half the stuff you did with me. Skip class, sneak out and party—it wasn’t in your nature.”
“If that’s the case, what do you think is in my nature? You’re basically calling me a wet blanket,” she scoffed.
“I didn’t say it was a bad thing.” I nodded my head sincerely. It was one of her most redeeming qualities. In a world full of drama, nothing felt better than something calm and predictable.
Still scowling, she shot back, “Now that you’re on the subject of being bad, why don’t we talk about what a horrible friend you’ve been? First cutting me out from your life with no reason and now insulting me.”
Ouch, okay, maybe we’ve gone too far.
Letting her go didn’t necessarily mean making her hate me. Deciding to reel it back a little, I pushed forward, leaning into her personal space. “Horrible, huh? What else do you think is bad, Rocky?”
She gulped. “I don’t know. War, famine?”
“That’s not what I meant.” My voice came out surprisingly deeper.
“If you’re talking about the kiss, I obviously think it’s bad now! I never should have done it.” Her eyes dropped down, avoiding mine.
My face and my heart couldn’t help but soften. “Like I said, I’m glad you did.”
“Oh? Why?”
“I’m not comfortable divulging that info.” Noticing the look of annoyance on her face, I quickly added, “And I’m not talking about the kiss.”
“Then what are you talking about?”
Her face grew pinker as the seconds ticked by. Fighting the urge to warm my cold hands with her cheeks, I took a slight step back. “I admit that it’s been off between us. Maybe that kiss was a way to put us back on the right track. You know, get back where we used to be.”
“I thought you said this wasn’t about the kiss.”
“Well, maybe a bit of it is,” I admitted.
“Fine, whatever.” She flicked her wrist around and sighed. “So where did we used to be, Jesse? And how can such a mortifying mistake make everything better?”
This was it. It was time to sever ties. “It’ll allow us to be Rocky and Jesse again! To be the two musketeers…err…plus Stephanie.”
“I’m not following. How is that stolen kiss supposed to make us friends?”
Biting the bullet, I said the words that I never wanted to speak. I spoke the words that I thought needed to be proclaimed to shield her from hurt—from me. It was all a part of my fucked of plan, but it still hurt like shit to do.
Grin and bear it, Jesse. Grin and bear it.
“It helped you realize that you never liked me to begin with, right?”
She frowned in disbelief.
“You just liked the idea of being with the bad boy. You know, because you were always a bad girl trying to come out. Now that we finally did the ‘forbidden,’ you realize your fantasy was better than reality. Of course you always did care about me as a friend as well, and that’s what I want to get back to.”
As the lies spilled out of my mouth, I found myself beginning to believe them. I coaxed and urged her on my imaginary trip, willing her to join my fallacy.
We both needed to face the truth. She had Ethan. I had my restaurant. She had Stephanie. I had…myself. We weren’t two peas in a pod anymore. We never were. We were two separate entities and the sooner we realized it, the better it would be for both of us. The longer we danced this waltz of delusion the longer it would take us to heal. We could never be “Rocky and Jesse” again. In fact, it was something we never were.
I must have stunned her into silence. She stood quietly and looked as if she wasn’t even blinking. Riding the waves of momentum, I continued, “We’ve finally gotten past your old feelings, and because you realize that you regret it, we can just move forward…err…move back…um, you know what I mean.”
The smile I wore on my face felt like one of those masks from Classic Greek theater. However, I wasn’t sure which of the two I brandished. Was I manic? Or was I basking in my darkness of outright grief?
Rocky finally moved from her catatonic state. She bit her lip and looked down pathetically, kicking at the floor. “Just so you know, I don’t do shit like that. Stealing kisses and stuff, I mean.”
“Ah, this boring prude thing is just an act,” I chided. “You can drop it around me, you know.”
“Who are you calling a prude?”
“Certainly not you. You wouldn’t have tried to suck my face off if you were,” I joked. Noticing her look of annoyance, I quickly wiped away my smile.
“I was just caught in the moment. You know, New Year’s night and everything.” She narrowed her eyes. “By the way, you’re wrong. It’s not putting us back on the right track. If anything, it put us back further than when we started because you are seriously annoying me right now.”
“Caught in the moment?” I looked at her incredulously. “Are you serious? What moment was that? A cheap sweaty night club with watered down drinks and lame music? Oh yeah, that was such an awesome moment, Rocky.” Curiosity suddenly getting the best of me, I asked, “Hey, is that why you only like tips? You have to be in a certain ‘moment’ or whatever?”
As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them. I definitely crossed a line.
“You’re such an asshole.”
I held my hands up in defense. “I’m not trying to offend you or anything, but now I can see why you’re so weird with Ethan.”
“Really? You feel a need to bring him up again?” she practically groaned.
“Thought all girls liked talking about their boyfriends,” I replied glumly. Suddenly feeling hot again, I was more than relieved to hear the heater shut off.
“Why are you pestering me about this?”
And there it was, the answer to the nagging voice inside of me. If I were being specific I’d even say it was my dad’s voice. Maybe if I heard Rocky admit she actually liked doing all those things in the past, I wouldn’t feel so guilty about how everything turned out. Maybe Dad was right—I never did give her enough credit. I needed to hear that she wanted to do those things with me and didn’t just follow me around blindly.
Taking a moment to regain my composure, I explained, “Because I can see that after I left, you lost all ability to dabble into that wild side I know is in there. I never dragged you around with me; you did that all by yourself. You liked it.”
“What do you mean?” she asked meekly.
“You, Stephanie, and I made quite a trio, right? Stephanie, the wit of the group. You, the creative conscience, and me, the spice in what can only be described as a bland blend.”