I shifted uncomfortably. That wasn’t the answer I was hoping for. Once again I felt like the villain to her life story. “So why didn’t that stop you? Why are you so scared to pick up a brush and paint when you so willingly accompanied me on those stupid, reckless adventures? And tell me the truth. None of that ‘I was protecting you’ crap.”
“Because…”
I didn’t think she’d finish her thought and was surprised to hear a low whisper beside me.
“It’s because you were there,” she answered shyly.
“What was that?” I must have been hearing things. It was as if my stone cold heart had awakened, ecstasy rushing through my arteries.
Her voice wavered. “It’s because I knew you’d never let anything bad happen to me.”
Chapter 27
Rocky was in my restaurant. Let me repeat, Rocky was in my restaurant looking impressed and a bit pissed off, actually. Then again, I really couldn’t blame her considering that Hannah, my newly hired hostess, was throwing her some shade.
We had arrived in the city a little after five, and despite the annoying influx of traffic and some stupid ass drivers, my mood was suddenly rejuvenated. Having her here—having her see me in my element—was the best thing ever.
I motioned toward the huge double doors leading to my sanctuary. Without thinking twice, I reached for her hand and placed it into mine. It was as if we were two pieces in a complicated jigsaw puzzle. It was a perfect fit.
Tugging lightly, I pulled her toward the kitchen. “Let’s go.”
She paused in horror.
“What’s wrong?” I asked in confusion.
“We can’t go in there!”
“Why not?”
“It’s the kitchen! Isn’t that some FDA violation?” she looked extremely nervous, which did nothing but kick me in the gut. She was definitely not the rule breaker from yesteryear. It only confirmed my theory—I really did drag her down with me every single time.
I stared at her blankly. “It’s also my business and I say we’re allowed in.”
“But—”
“My office is inside. Come on,” I urged.
As we meandered past the counters, my employees lifted their hands in happy greeting. A few even nodded their heads, grinning from ear to ear. More than likely they were enthused to find out that I knew somebody of the opposite sex. My reputation of being an asexual workaholic was often a favorite topic of conversation.
“Wow, everyone likes you,” Rocky commented.
“Is that a surprise?” I laughed.
“No, I just mean…” Her voice trailed off, but I didn’t press her on it. I didn’t feel a need to. I was quite surprised that a loner deviant like me would even have employees who tolerated me, let alone liked me. A few of us would even hit a bar or two after closing time. It was a far cry from who I was in Bethel Falls, that’s for sure. If it still surprised me, I could only imagine how Rocky must have felt.
I squeezed in behind my desk, trying to figure out a way that both of us would be comfortable when I heard Rocky’s awestruck whisper. “You kept your copy?”
I grinned at my favorite photograph. The beginning of all things that ended between us. I didn’t know why I loved it so much. Truthfully, it was a bit depressing.
I cleared my throat. “Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I? It was the only thing you ever mailed to me after I moved…It was a good night.”
“Pretty good,” she agreed.
“Got worse as it went on though,” I grunted.
Rocky sighed. “Can we change the subject?”
I’d love nothing more.
“To what?”
“Like…um…” She tapped her fingers against my desk, her tell to run away, but we both knew there was no way she could hide out now. “Why drive me across state lines? You could have just told me about your restaurant. I would have believed you.”
“But you wouldn’t see the relationship I have with my employees,” I explained. “You wouldn’t see the following I have and all the regulars I tend to.”
“I would have believed all those things even without seeing them,” she insisted.
I reached out and began to drum my fingers on the table beside hers. She abruptly pulled her hands back into her lap and I couldn’t help but feel a slight sting about it.
Well, here goes nothing.
“I wanted to show you that even if I was here, I still thought about you every day. I stare at this photo during every shift. I used to just sit here and dream about seeing you again. I’d wonder what you were doing, who you were with.” I gulped. “Or if you were seeing somebody.”
“You could have just called me and asked. Actually, you could have even visited.”
It’s really not that simple.
I gazed around my kitchen and motioned around. “See this? This is what I made myself out to be. Once I moved to Charleston I was able to say goodbye to the Jesse that kept fucking everything up and reinvent myself. Sure, when I first got here I was still trying to be that same badass I was. I’d sneak out, binge drink, and one time I even got high on some laced shit and was on the verge of just ending it all.”
“What?” She gasped.
I hadn’t meant to tell her all that, but I was glad I did. It was time to get everything out in the open. Even the bad things I’d rather have kept hidden.
Nodding, I continued, “Then my dad basically knocked some sense into me. He enrolled me into therapy for my anger management and drinking problem. I hated it at first, but the same group also landed me my first job as a bus boy. I soon realized that putting all my restlessness into something productive was good for me. It wasn’t long until I became a workaholic and realized that positivity was all I needed to better myself. I needed good things in my life to prevent me from going bad again.”
“So that’s why you shut me out? Why you stopped calling me and stopped returning my calls to you? Because I wasn’t a good influence?” She shook her head in disbelief.
Shit. This was harder than I even thought it would be.
“No. I cut you off because I was afraid if I didn’t, I’d want to move back and be with you. I couldn’t move back. I couldn’t go back to the guy I once was. The angry guy. The reckless guy. I just couldn’t.”
There. I had ripped off the bandage. Now I had nothing to do but wait until I finished bleeding.
Rocky blinked incredulously. “So why come back now? After all these years? And why come to work at my store when you obviously could afford not to work in Bethel Falls at all.”
“You never really saw my mom.”
“Yeah, I have.”
I shook my head in shock. I couldn’t believe my mother had finally gotten to Rocky too. For years Rocky saw her as I did—a manipulative man handler. I couldn’t believe the woman pulled one over on such a smart woman.
“No. You saw her, but you didn’t see her. You only saw what she wanted you to see. Like today.”
“She was sick and she was lonely,” she griped.
“And she was showing her good side. When you’re not there you don’t hear her calling me an idiot, a mistake, or stupid every five minutes. You don’t hear her yelling at me and blaming me for being the reason why Dad never came back. She’s a master manipulator and she gets you to believe what she wants you to.”
It hurt. All of it. I couldn’t deny it any longer. My parents, no matter how great my dad finally acted, both fucked up my life. They fucked me up bad.
My voice was like an echo, rebounding to me after all words were spoken. I didn’t even know what the hell I was saying anymore. It was as if my mind and body were disconnected; my mouth moving on its own accord. Slowly, I began to regain consciousness just in the nick of time.
“That doesn’t answer anything about me. Why did you stop talking to me? If you wanted to show me that and tell me I still meant a lot to you, why did you even want to shut me out to begin with?” Rocky’s voice invaded my abyss and though accusatory, I was grateful for it.