I blinked a few times, allowing her words to sink into my brain. I let out a sudden whoosh of air that I didn’t know I was holding. That is definitely not what I thought she’d say.
But what did I really think she would? That she’d follow me to Charleston? That we’d be a couple after all the bullshit I knew I had put her through?
“Stupid as always.” I sighed and glanced over at my luggage. At this point, leaving town was the only way to salvage what was left of my sanity. It may have been a selfish thing to do, but that was my strong suit, right?
Thinking better of it, I decided the least I could do was write a response back.
“What can I say that is deep, but not…” My voice trailed off. But not what? What could I say?
Rolling my eyes, I typed:
There are too many things to say for a text message. Meet me at the beginning of the end. Let’s talk.
Chapter 32
Okay, so I admit I may have been a little bit overdramatic, but honestly I needed to speak to Rocky—in person—and there was no other way I could bring myself to actually ask her without making myself feel too vulnerable. I admit, I may have been a bit brash, but it got my point across and for that I was happy. Of course the one thing I didn’t think about was how cold it would be meeting her outside on the football field, but hey, you win some you lose some.
It was nearing ten o’clock before I heard the crunching of footsteps making their way toward me. I stupidly overestimated her willingness to see me—or in the very least the time it would take her to read my text—and had been freezing my ass off on the ice cold metal bleachers for almost an hour. By the time I heard her light steps echo in the night, I was basically a blue popsicle.
Then suddenly, there she was…
The moonlight shined on her face, illuminating her soft elfin-like features, which was quite fitting since she’s always been magical to me. Her movements were graceful as if she were dancing to a silent melody playing specifically for her.
I gulped and heard myself call out, “Hi, Rocky.”
She didn’t respond and merely continued walking in my direction. She hugged her body tightly and once again I regretted asking to meet out in the freezing field. Her red pea coat only reached up to her mid-thigh and I felt a sudden urge to wrap my body around hers to keep her warm. Imagining our night in Charleston, my body temperature spiked a few more degrees. Shaking away the thoughts—though I really didn’t want to—I straightened my shoulders and commented, “Lady in red again, I see.”
She glanced down at herself and shrugged. “Not planned. It’s like the only winter coat I own. I really should buy more, considering how shitty the snow has been recently.”
“You hate the snow, I see,” I replied, not knowing what else to say.
“That cartoon Ice Queen can suck it.”
I couldn’t help but smile and watched as she made her way carefully up the bleachers. I was perched at the top, which probably wasn’t the safest idea. I anxiously watched her climb, letting out a sigh of relief when she neared me. “Please sit down.”
To my disappointment she sat a few inches away, as if feeling a need to put space in between us. “You wanted to see me?”
The icy tone in her voice threw me off. It was as if she were speaking to a stranger…but that was what I was, right? I frowned and pressed my hands together, desperate to feel some semblance of warmth even if it wasn’t from her. “What happened, Rocky?”
Her eyes widened in surprise. “Um, you walked out on me again and—”
I could have laughed, but chose not to. I could have screamed, but I didn’t. Instead, I whispered, “That’s not what I meant. I mean how did I fall in love with you? I was never supposed to fall in love with anybody.”
She stammered, “I…I don’t know how to answer that.”
Before I lost my nerve, I continued to speak. “I was never a fan of love. All my life my parents were on some…dysfunctional bullshit. I thought finding someone special was just a stupid myth invented by the greeting card companies of the world.”
“Wow, never pegged you for a conspiracy theorist,” she replied sarcastically.
And just like that, something switched off in my head. I guess that’s what happens though, right? When you’re diving into your subconscious you start being unconscious. If somebody asked me what I said and what she said, I’d never be able to let them know. It wasn’t until I heard the word, Charleston that I snapped myself back into reality. You see, love with Rocky was always a dream—even when I actually had it, it still felt as if I was living in a fantasy world. It was probably why I never allowed myself to claim it—I knew I’d just wake up. However, Charleston was an entirely different reality and one we needed to face if we both wanted to move on once and for all. Unfortunately, Rocky confessed she didn’t plan on following me…at least not yet.
“Admit it. You were never going to come back, were you?” Rocky demanded in an accusatory tone. Her fingers clenched and unclenched helplessly. “If your mom didn’t get sick…You had your new life in Charleston. You weren’t ever going to stay here.”
“No,” I confessed.
She bowed her head and frowned. “Life happens.”
“Life happens.”
She paused for a beat and looked up at me quizzically. “You were always planning on finding a nurse for your mom, weren’t you? That’s why you came back to begin with.”
I bit my lip and sucked in my feelings of guilt. “I did want to take care of her, I really did…but she and I both knew it wasn’t going to work. I mean, a person can only take being called a mistake or stupid so many times.”
“I–I—” she stammered before I cut her off.
“From day one she and I started picking nurses together. It was about the closest mother and son activity we ever did since she bought me that flask when I was sixteen. I know I should have tried harder to salvage whatever relationship we have, but I can’t.”
Her eyebrows furrowed together and her jaw worked, as if she were fighting back the words the threatened to spill from her mouth. She lost the fight. “You told me you purposely took the job to see me. Did you think anything was going to happen between us? Were you going to try?”
I took a moment before I answered. “I wish I could answer that. In all honesty—and you know this—I was afraid we didn’t know each other anymore. That you were just a figment of my memory, the picture hanging on my wall. But I was wrong. The moment I saw you I knew I had never once stopped loving you and I was going to try my hardest to finally win your heart…of course throwing fleshlights at your face probably wasn’t a good idea,” I added jokingly, hoping to lighten the mood.
“Now that you mentioned it, I was always wondering if you actually bought those for the occasion.”
“No, they’re from my own personal stash,” I replied with a straight face.
“What?”
I burst out laughing. “I’m kidding! Ew, do you really think I’m into all that? You’ve seen my apartment. No floggers and handcuffs there, right?”
I didn’t realize the innuendo in my words until I noticed Rocky’s cheeks reddening and caught myself wondering if any other part of her was flushed.
Whoa there, buddy.
Shaking it off, I gulped. “No, I got it from the Hard Shack. Have you ever been there? Good people. Really nice. Just told them I needed some merchandise for a business pitch.”
“Oh, God.”
“The box is still in the Dungeon if you ever need it.”
“Ugh, I’ve got to take that out of there before my parents find it.” She shook her head as if she were angry, but even she couldn’t hide the amusement on her face. That amusement was fleeting, though. Soon her smile faltered and a look of sadness washed over her. I grabbed hold of her hands just as she mumbled, “The beginning of the end.”