‘Thank you.’
‘Most I’ve heard her speak for nearly two decades,’ she says to the other two, who burst out laughing.
Oh Lord, I really want to ignore them, but there’s this feeling in my stomach and it’s coming up to my chest.
Walk away, walk away , I tell myself.
‘But she looks as though she’s aged forty years,’ says another. ‘I reckon she’ll move on soon, now that monster is back. What the hell were they thinking, letting him out? Life should mean—’
‘Excuse me,’ I say, walking slowly towards her. ‘If you’ve got something to say, then say it to my face.’
‘Well, that wouldn’t be as much fun, would it?’
‘What’s wrong with you people?’ I say. ‘Haven’t you got your own lives to get on with? He’s done his time.’
The clichés coming out of my mouth are straight from EastEnders , but I can’t help myself.
‘You can’t expect people to ignore it – he’s only just come out! And if I remember rightly, you loved a bit of gossip when you worked at the supermarket.’
‘I… there’s no point arguing with you. It’s my life you’re talking about.’
My heart is pounding. I’m as bad as them – spouting stupid rubbish that means nothing.
‘You’re lucky it’s only me,’ says Pamela. ‘If my Gordon were here, he’d have given you a few stronger words. He saw your Craig in the pub yesterday – off his face, he said. He would’ve given him a good kicking if he wasn’t with that smarmy friend of his.’
‘If your Gordon didn’t weigh thirty stone and could lift his leg higher than the kerb,’ I say.
Her mouth falls open. Finally, I’ve managed to silence Pamela Valentine.
I walk away. Why did I engage with them? It happened when Craig was first arrested – it’s like the conversations are on repeat. I’m living the same life over and over again.
‘People like him never change,’ shouts one of the other old cronies to the other. ‘I give it six months and he’ll be back inside.’
We’ll show them, I think to myself. My hands are shaking.
The cashier won’t look at me as she scans my items. She doesn’t bag them for me, and when I ask her three times for a carrier bag, she flings it at me.
‘I’m a paying customer, the same as everyone else,’ I snap.
She’s standing there, holding out her hand for the money while I’m flapping with the bag. Why are they so hard to open? I throw in my things and hand her the five-pound note. She pinches it off me – holding it as though it were covered in dog shit. She holds it up to the light, even though she doesn’t need to with these new plastic ones.
‘Hmm,’ she mutters, placing it in the till.
I hold out my hand; she drops the money into it, and shouts, ‘Next!’
This is why I go to the Co-op in the next town.
I turn to leave, but find there’s a man standing there. It’s Brian Sharpe. I really shouldn’t have left the house today.
‘I can’t believe I’m seeing you in my shop,’ he says to me.
‘It’s not your shop, it’s—’
‘You know what I mean.’
I go to open the door, but he stands in front of me.
‘I only came in for a few bits,’ I say.
He brings his head a little closer to mine. ‘You and that bastard son of yours don’t deserve to be living around here.’ He barely opens his mouth, speaking quietly so no one else can hear. ‘I can’t believe you’ve got the gall to show your face. Do you not get fed up, eh? Of everyone hating you? Can’t you feel it in that shell of a house you rattle around in?’
The shop door opens.
I’ve never been so glad to see Jason in my life. Brian stands slightly aside to let him past.
‘What’s going on?’ says Jason, frowning.
‘Was just telling Erica she’s not welcome in here.’
Jason turns; his face two feet from Brian’s.
‘Is that right?’
Brian pulls his head back, but his feet remain.
‘It’s upsetting, seeing her,’ he says to Jason. ‘What that evil cunt did to my daughter… my only child. You’d feel the same… I know you would.’
‘But Erica wouldn’t hurt anyone. You know that.’
Jason opens the door and ushers me outside.
‘No, I don’t know that,’ Brian hisses to him. ‘She never leaves that house… she obviously has something to hide. He must’ve inherited the badness from somewhere.’
I don’t hear what Jason says in reply.
He links his arm in mine and guides me down the road as if I were eighty years old.
‘Any time you want to go out again, Erica, I’ll come with you.’
‘Really, there’s no need. I won’t be coming here again. It’s only because…’
I was going to explain the pain in my side, but I think I’ve lost him. His eyes are glazed, focused on the road ahead. I expected Brian or the gaggle of women to be calling after me, but they don’t. It’s not like all those years ago when emotions were so raw that it was like everyone had been hurt. They were quite restrained today.
There’s someone waiting outside my front door.
It’s the girl who’s been watching the house.
She turns as we approach, rubbing her hands from the cold.
‘All right, Jason,’ she says, giving Jason a shy smile. She looks at me. ‘Is Craig in?’
So, she is real.
I look quizzically at Jason. He glances at me, slightly rolling his eyes.
‘What are you doing here?’ he says to her.
‘Who is this, Jason?’ I ask him.
‘This is Leanne,’ he says. ‘We met her in the pub the other night. She seems to have taken a shine to our Craig.’
The girl’s cheeks flush.
What is Craig doing, having a teenage girl calling for him? It’s not right. Hasn’t he learned anything from the past?
I open the front door, hoping I can close it on today and leave the horrible world behind.
‘Thanks ever so much, Jason,’ I say, ‘for the help at the shop.’
‘No worries. Any time. You know I’m always here for you.’
‘I’ll see you soon.’
I go to shut the door, but the young girl pushes it open, goes past me (she’s such a slender thing) and stands in my hallway. I wouldn’t have dreamt of doing that when I was her age.
‘Is it OK if I wait for Craig?’ she says. ‘It’s really important I see him.’
‘I’m not sure when he’ll be back, er… What’s so important that it can’t wait? You’re not in any trouble, are you?’
She shakes her head. ‘No, it’s nothing like that. It’s so nice to finally meet you.’
Finally meet me? What the devil is she on about? She holds out a hand and I shake it. Have I stepped into a parallel world? I’ve seen too many people today; I need to be on my own.
‘Five minutes should be all right, I suppose,’ I say wearily, ‘but he might not be back for hours.’
‘That’s fine,’ she says, taking off her coat and hanging it on the end of the banister.
Jason’s waiting outside.
I peer out of the door.
‘Who is she?’ I hiss at him. ‘Didn’t I see you with her earlier?’
He shrugs.
‘Nope. One of Craig’s new fans – I don’t think I’m dangerous enough for her.’ He taps the side of his head with his index finger. ‘Probably a bit cuckoo, but she seems harmless enough.’ He looks at his watch. ‘I’ll see if Craig’s down the pub. If not, I’ll give you a knock and I’ll take the kid— I mean, Leanne, home.’
‘But how do you know where she lives? Is she a relative of yours?’ I say.
‘Something like that,’ he says, walking away from me.
I look either side of the street before closing the door, but there’s no one about. I don’t want anyone thinking I’m up to any funny business, letting teenagers come into my house. I’ll have to tell Craig that he can’t do this. I’m on edge as it is. I turn to go into the living room, but she’s in the kitchen, filling up the kettle.