“C’mon Daisy, Grease, Rent, I’ll watch whatever you want.” Evan picked up the remote to search through the movie selections.
“Across the Universe would be good. Maybe you can sing more for me?” My tears were still falling but I managed to meet his gaze and give him a strained smile. My head was spinning and I just wanted to forget for the next couple of hours.
Evan smoothed my hair off my face and tucked it behind my ear. “I would love to sing for you, pretty girl.” I closed my eyes as he kissed the top of my head.
“I like listening to your heartbeat, it’s relaxing.”
“My heart is talking to you. You know what it’s saying?” I looked up and narrowed my eyes at him.
“No, I can’t figure out what it’s saying, weirdo.” I plopped my heavy head back on his chest, which was now shaking as he laughed.
“It’s saying ‘Dai-sy, Dai-sy’” I laughed and shook my head.
“You’re such a goofball.”
Evan kissed the top of my head and shrugged. “Please go back to the doctor for me.”
I turned to face him and ran my hand down his cheek. “Okay. For you. I’ll go. Now come on, Ringo, amaze me again.” Evan tightened his grip around me and gave me a soft kiss on the lips.
“I love you so much.”
I smiled against his lips. “I love you, too.” I kissed Evan’s cheek and snuggled back into his chest.
I didn’t see much of the movie. I drifted off into a deep but troubled sleep and woke up disappointed that the nightmare I had wasn’t only make believe.
I was smarter than people gave me credit for. I could read between the lines. Regardless of whether people were afraid to tell me, it didn’t make the truth any less real. My cousin, my big brother, my twin . . . was dying.
At Evan’s constant nudging, I did go back to my doctor to find out why I still wasn’t better after a month. She, once again, told me the recovery time for pneumonia is long. I’d have to rest and wait it out. My cough and chest pains still lingered, but I had a bit more energy the past few days and decided to take that as a good sign.
I’d been so drained the past few weeks that I took client calls from my apartment instead of making my usual rounds. Feeling excited to get some fresh air and a change of scenery, I ventured to Starbucks in the December chill.
In addition to feeling like overall shit, my heart was heavy these days. I was thinking about Jack constantly and so worried about Ellie. My aunt told me she kept trying to push her out of the house to have some time to herself. I suggested meeting at the Starbucks across the street from Taylor’s Flooring and we’d go see the guys afterwards.
“Hey, Paige.” Ellie kissed the back of my head and slid into the seat across the table.
“Ever think about taking a job as a ninja? You scared the crap out of me.” I saved my work and closed the laptop screen. Usually a dumb joke like that would have made Ellie break out into giggles. Now, she just shrugged with a sad smile.
“Everyone at home is always sleeping so I have to tiptoe quite a bit. I guess I’ve gotten good at it.” She took a sip of her chai latte and leaned back in the chair. I put my hand on top of hers and squeezed it a bit to make her look at me.
“I’m so sorry I’ve been sick and haven’t been able to help you with the baby. You need to exploit Mom and Aunt Marie. They’ll take care of little Jack all day long if you need some rest.” She held her hand up and shook her head.
“No. He’s a good boy. Only cries when he’s hungry.”
Her mouth turned up in a small grin at the mention of her son. Everyone who spoke to her for more than five minutes could tell she would be an amazing mom. She had a way of making everyone around her happy, why Jack and I always called her a pixie.
I took a deep breath as I began the conversation I’d been dreading since Jack’s diagnosis; the conversation I never, ever wanted to have.
“It’s Jack, isn’t it? He’s sick again.” I raised my eyebrows and Ellie nodded in response.
Ellie sucked in her bottom lip as she bit down hard. Tears spilled over her cheeks as a sob escaped her. She shook it off and frantically wiped her cheeks with her hands.
“I knew this was a possibility, more than that, it was a probability. But we wanted a baby so much. That was the one thing we wouldn’t let leukemia take away from us. Jack Junior was born and his father was still here. So I thought maybe—just maybe—he would be here for everything else.” She took a deep breath and gazed up at me. I nodded for her to keep going.
“Jack knew the drug stopped working right before the baby was born, but he didn’t tell me until the day we took him home.” I rubbed the back of her hand as her body shook. All these months of trying so hard to be strong and acting happy go lucky finally took their toll. I still didn’t say anything, just let her keep going.
“What am I going to do, Paige? We’ve been together since I was seventeen. He’s the other half of my soul. How do I go on? How do I teach my son all he needs to know, alone? I thought I was prepared for it, but I’m not. No one can prepare for anything like this.”
“How long does he have?”
Ellie let out a long sigh. “Six months. Give or take, Jack likes to say.” She huffed and shook her head.
Less than a year. He wouldn’t even see his son’s first birthday.
“I’m sorry. Jack was afraid to tell you since you’ve been sick for so long . . .”
“I’m quicker than he thinks I am. This isn’t the first time he’s kept something from me that I already knew. Evan wouldn’t tell me either but I can see it written all over his face. He’s heartbroken, but afraid to tell me.”
The men in my life thought I was a china doll and they treated me with extra care so I wouldn’t crack. It was time I proved them all wrong. My family needed me. Jack needed me. It was time to grow the fuck up and take care of other people for a change.
“How is he? All Evan will tell me is that he’s tired but fine.”
Ellie lowered her chin as she clutched the drink in her hand. She swallowed hard before she looked up.
“It . . . seems to be going fast to me. He’s still okay to work, but each day is harder for him than the one before. He’ll never admit it, though. He’s already lost some weight and he looks . . . older.”
“He won’t try anything else . . . ?”
“He’s tried it all. This was a last resort, the only reason he qualified for the drug in the first place. He said he wants to enjoy whatever time he may have left. I feel so alone.” Her voice cracked as she put her face in her hands.
“You’re not alone.” I pulled her hands down. “You have all of us.”
“I know.” Ellie nodded and grabbed my other hand. “But when you’re losing the most important person in your life, you could be in the middle of Grand Central Station and still feel like the only one in the world.”
“I love you. We all do. You and Jack Junior will never ever be alone. I promise.” I leaned forward and rubbed her shoulder.
Ellie nodded. She played with her empty cup as she stared off into space. I quickly packed up my things and stood from my chair. I bent over to wipe Ellie’s tear stained face with a napkin.
“Let’s go Ellie. It’s time I paid my cousin a visit.”
We walked over to their office in silence. I hadn’t seen Jack since the baby was born and I recited over and over again in my head what I wanted to say to him. The baptism was coming up over the weekend but I didn’t want to wait that long.
We strolled in unnoticed. A couple of workers nodded hello as we made our way to the back office.
Evan was coming out of the supply closet when he bumped into Ellie.
“Hey! Where’s the little guy?” He gave her a hello kiss and hug. My heartbeat drummed in my ears so loudly I couldn’t hear the rest of what they said. I peeled off my gloves and wiped my sweating hands on my down jacket, then rubbed them together to hide their shaking. I was about to give myself a stroke before I walked any further.