“I’m saying you shouldn’t have them now. Pregnancy is not advised during a flare; it can be dangerous. I won’t sugar coat this. If Lupus causes enough damage to your kidneys, you could ultimately have kidney failure and need a transplant. Then, I would absolutely recommend you not carry any children. As I told you, it’s a big concern, but not a certainty.” I nodded as my head spun. Didn’t matter if it wasn’t definite, all my ears heard was ‘no children.’ I never thought of a life without having kids of my own. My chest ached remembering how much Evan loved kids, what a great godfather he was, and how much he wanted his own family. And if my kidneys failed, it wasn’t as though I could order a new one from Amazon. I didn’t hear a goddamn thing Dr. Stephens said after that. I wandered out of the office and got into my car in a daze.
I stopped at the Chinese restaurant by my apartment but instead of bringing dinner home as usual, I ate my wonton soup alone at one of the tables. I slurped a little at a time so as to not aggravate my throat. A little girl, maybe about five years old, rushed over to me. Her long blonde pigtails bounced as her hazel eyes shone at me. She reminded me what I imagined my daughter could look like like—my daughter with Evan.
“We have an extra fortune cookie. Do you want it?” She opened her hand and offered me the crumbled cookie still in the plastic wrapper.
“Sure. Thank you, sweetie. That was really nice of you.” Her eyes twinkled as she scooted away.
My grandfather used to like to play the numbers on the back of fortunes. He never won, but maybe I’d play in honor of him and he’d send me some luck. Of course, mine had no numbers, but a thunderbolt hit me as I read my future.
If you love something, set it free.
I used to think that was the stupidest saying. When I was looking for love, if I got it, I thought I would clutch onto it for dear life and never let go. Now I had love. Real love, better than I ever dreamed. A hundred soap operas or romance novels couldn’t compare to what it was like to love Evan, and to have him love me back.
Evan was the best man and the greatest human being I’d ever known. I wanted to give him the best of everything, but I wasn’t the best. Not even close. My body was turning on itself and I was just getting sicker and sicker. If he stayed with me, not only would he forgo his own family, but I’d be another weight on his shoulders, another burden to carry. My future was hazy at best. He’d had his fill of tragedy, and I couldn’t in good conscience set him up for another. He should have a full life—not the half of one I could give him.
I managed to eat most of the soup before the heartburn flared. I rose from the table to throw out the trash from my meal, my vision hazy from the tears that I couldn’t stop. I loved Evan. And even though it would break my heart, maybe I did have to set him free.
“You have to start telling the truth, Paige. You can’t keep this up much longer. I know I sure as hell can’t.” I sat on Natalie’s couch as we repeated the same conversation for the tenth time.
I rubbed my eyes as my face fell to my hands. “Natalie, you don’t understand—”
“You’re damn right. I don’t understand. I don’t get how a smart woman has been stuck on stupid for the past few months. How do even keep track of the lies? I’m not covering for you anymore. Just tell your mother and Evan the truth.” Natalie moved closer and put her hand on top of mine. “You’ll feel better when they know. You have a good man. He’ll help you through this. Your mother, well, is your mother, but she loves you. She doesn’t deserve to be kept in the dark like this.”
“My mother is my mother . . . and Evan wouldn’t leave my side. He barely leaves me alone now, always asking how I am, what I need. It’s the caretaker spiral he’s been in his entire life. Once he finds out I have a serious illness, I’ll be an albatross around his neck, like his father. And I’ll ruin his life, too.” I shook my head and looked away.
Natalie leaned back and narrowed her eyes at me. “What are you saying? You’re going to leave a man who loves you because you don’t want to be a burden? That can’t be right, because that would make absolutely no fucking sense, now would it?”
“Evan would have to sacrifice the family he wants so badly for what? To play nurse maid to a sick woman? He doesn’t know how to look out for himself. He would do it without a second thought—”
“Because he’s a good man who takes care of the people he loves. It’s no reason to punish him.”
“I’m not punishing him, Natalie! Don’t you see? Every appointment with Dr. Stephens gets worse. More organs involved, more tests, more restrictions. She told me yesterday I may not be able to have children if my kidneys don’t straighten out. And if my kidneys are too far gone, what happens to me anyway? He can bury me along with his mother and his best friend. Staying with him, making him live that kind of life, that’s punishing him.”
“Not if that’s what he wants! Paige, how long have we been friends?”
“What? Why are you asking me this?”
“How. Long. Paige.” Natalie’s jaw ticked as she glared at me.
I let out a long sigh and shrugged. “Like twenty-five years, I think—”
“Yeah, most of our lives. In all that time, I’ve never seen you like this, and it kills me. You’ve cut yourself off from almost everyone except me, and I think that’s only because I’m a means to an end right now—I’m the one who covers and makes excuses for you when you go to appointments. This isn’t you, it’s not the flare itself, it’s what you’re letting it do to you. Stephens told you she was concerned and watching you, and you have yourself dead already.”
I loved Natalie. But I resented the shit out of her. No one saw how getting through a work day was such a struggle that I would sometimes go straight to bed before eight o’clock. I couldn’t even enjoy a cup of coffee without setting my throat and chest on fire. Everything hurt, all the time. I waddled around like an old lady in what should have been the prime of my life. I didn’t want this, but it was what I was dealt, and no one had the right to judge me for how I handled it.
“You don’t get it.” My voice broke and my jaw trembled. Why couldn’t I be mad without waterworks? It infuriated me and made me cry that much harder. “My medicine cabinet is full of prescriptions that don’t work. Every day gets worse, and I don’t want to bring Evan down with me.”
Natalie put her hand on mine again. I tried to pull away, but she gripped it and shook her head. “Honey, I know you’re sick. And more than anything, I wish you weren’t. It breaks my heart to see you struggle. This is a lot to deal with all alone. Pushing people away won’t help . . . just think before you do something stupid. Okay?”
“I thought I was stuck on stupid?” I wiped my wet cheeks with the back of my hand. Natalie rose from the couch and kissed me on the cheek.
“That’s why I’m around. To unstick you. Best friend’s code.” I nodded and collapsed in sobs on her arm. I missed Evan; I even missed my mother. I was keeping them both at arms’ length, only telling them need to know things, and staying vague as to how I spent my days. The burden was exhausting.
“Daisy, why are you crying?” Angelica stared at me from behind her mother with her brow furrowed.
I pulled her onto my lap and shook my head. “I’m okay. Adults are strange. I thought you were having a tea party in your room.”
“I was but it got boring, so I wanted you and mommy to come in. My animals really don’t talk, I have to pretend to talk for them and it makes me tired.” I laughed and kissed her cheek. It took me back to the days when I made Jack have tea parties with me. He grumbled and complained, but as long as a Transformer or two joined us, he obliged. God, I missed him. His loss was so much more painful now. I never needed my older twin more.