“Hey, anybody home? Oh, hey, Paige. How are you feeling?” Natalie’s husband’s booming voice filled the room, and Angelica scrambled off my lap to greet him.
“Hanging in there, Connor. Thank you,” I answered as he scooped his daughter up and kissed her cheek. He was over six feet, like Evan, and made Angelica look tiny in his arms.
“Oh, hey, sweetie!” Natalie kissed Connor’s lips as he wrapped his arms around her waist. They were a beautiful and happy family. My chest ached as I watched them. I knew that simple happiness they shared would never be mine. But it should be Evan’s. I was the only thing in his way.
“Hey, guys, I’m going to go. I’m a little tired.” I strolled over to Natalie and gave her and Angelica a quick kiss good-bye. The sorrow in my heart was stifling me, and I couldn’t leave her house fast enough.
“Paige, please think before you do anything.” Natalie called to me as I unlocked her door.
“Don’t worry, I see it all clearly now. Text you later, okay.” I didn’t look back as I made my way out and rushed, as much as my painful legs would allow, over to my car.
My brain was already mapping things out. I needed to start to pull away. It was the right thing to do, even though the idea of it hurt like hell. But, I would be selfish one more night. Evan had a night job tonight and would arrive at my apartment after nine. I would give him, give us, one more night together.
Avoiding him after wouldn’t be all that hard. He worked all the time now, and with my new projects at work, I kept as busy as possible during the day so they didn’t ask me to come into the office. He would notice after a while, and then I’d break it off.
Now, how to act as though I wasn’t ripping my own heart out when I let the only man I ever truly loved go. This wouldn’t work unless I was mean. One tear from me and he wouldn’t go anywhere. I had to be cruel to be kind—and every moment of it would kill me.
I lay in my bed and let my fingers drift back and forth over the side of the bed Evan slept on. I sank my head into his pillow and shut my eyes as I inhaled. I loved the way he smelled, like sweet cologne mixed with sweat—my Evan. One of my favorite things to do was bury my head in his neck—was. I glanced at the alarm clock on my nightstand. Nine o’clock. Evan would be putting his key in the lock any second now. Maybe I should ask for the key back right away? He wouldn’t come here, but asking for it back would make our break up seem final. Being mean to him would kill me, but it was the only way. After tonight, Evan would be just a memory—a sweet, wonderful, and if the current torment in my soul was any indication, excruciating memory. I would always belong to him, but I couldn’t claim him anymore. That would be selfish and all kinds of wrong. It was about time someone in Evan’s life thought of him first.
My front door creaked open. It was show time. I wiped the tears from my face and shut my lamp off. A red and swollen face full of sadness was much easier to hide in the near dark. The only light in the room was from the street lights peeking through the window blinds. Evan’s heavy steps traveled down my short hallway and into my bedroom. I chuckled as he tiptoed in and gingerly sat on the edge of my bed, most likely presuming I was asleep.
“Hey, handsome.” Evan startled and dropped the work boot he had just unlaced. If I raised my voice even a half an octave higher it would crack. This was about to be the hardest night of my life. I would give him everything I had, then start to let him go tomorrow. If I survived, that was. Every second that ticked by, I died a little. Every second was one second closer to good-bye. My heart pounded in my chest and my breathing was shallow, but I wasn’t letting anything ruin tonight, not even my fucked up body.
“I didn’t think you were up, beautiful.” Evan whispered as he slipped his other boot off and crawled next to me on the bed. As he ran his fingers through my hair, my body tingled at the slight contact. I needed to pay close attention so I remembered it all—the tender touch of his calloused fingers, the sweet taste of his lips, the sexy timbre of his voice. I would never be able to listen to another Beatles song for the rest of my life—however long that might be.
This would be the last time Evan and I would be together. Was knowing that a blessing or a curse? I chose to think of it as a blessing, and planned to make damn sure we didn’t waste a single second.
I took Evan’s face in my hands and gave him a soft kiss on the lips. I glided my fingers down his cheeks and along the stubble on his jaw. Evan caught one of my hands and kissed my palm.
“Miss me, Daisy?” God, yes. I missed him already. The agony over losing him was ripping me apart inside. Evan pulled me closer and kissed my forehead as tears prickled my eyelids. I knew nothing about what the rest of my life would become. What I did know, was that I would miss him all day, every day. Evan was the love of my life, and I would ache for him as long as I lived.
“Of course.” I smiled in the dark and hoped it would be reflected in my voice. No more talking, I’d say what I needed without speaking.
I peppered kisses down his cheek. I inched my way down to his chin as a smirk ticked up the side of his mouth. I sucked on his bottom lip and flicked it with my tongue. A moan escaped Evan’s throat as his lips parted. I let my tongue wander around his mouth at a languid pace. He tasted so good, always exactly the same: like cinnamon and coffee—and Evan.
My hands drifted to the hem of his T-shirt. I slipped them underneath the soft cotton and let my fingertips drift over his torso, along the ridges of his abs and the hard muscles of his chest. He was perfection from the inside out. I lifted his shirt and leaned over to paint kisses across his stomach. Evan chuckled until I followed my lips with my tongue. I smiled as he gasped a short breath and cursed.
I was starved to taste every inch of his skin as I committed everything about him to memory. Once his shirt gathered at his neck, Evan pulled it over his head. I dragged my lips over his collarbone as his breathing quickened. My hands traveled back to his waist, my sore fingertips trying in vain to unbuckle his jeans. Evan opened it with the flick of his wrist. I dipped my hand down his pants over the swell of his erection as it jerked upwards.
“Mmmm . . . so good, Daisy.” Evan’s hand tangled in my hair as my fingers and mouth worshipped everything they could reach. Daisy. I loved that he had a nickname just for me, and the story behind it. I’d envisioned telling our kids why Daddy liked to call me Daisy, because he thought I made things beautiful. They would roll their eyes at their mushy parents and we would laugh. Now daisies would be on the long list of painful reminders of a life I wanted more than anything, but wasn’t meant to have.
I pulled at his pants even as I went back to his lips. Kisses from Evan always made my head spin, but now I thirsted for them like I’d been through a desert and his lips were my water. I drank in as much as I could.
Evan lifted his hips and dragged his pants down along with his boxers. He turned back to me with a sweet smile.
“I seem to be at a disadvantage here, being the first one naked.” I laughed as my words from Christmas Eve were repeated back to me. I planned on sedating myself from December of this year through January so I wouldn’t think of all I’d lost from one holiday to the next. “Although . . .” Evan ran his finger along my lacy neckline. “I love seeing you like this.”
I wore the red satin baby doll nightgown Evan bought for me for Valentine’s Day. He got on my case as to why ‘someone with such an amazing body didn’t have any sexy night stuff.’ This was still my only piece, and after tonight it would go away in a box in the back of my closet, way out of sight.