“So, you don’t love me, Paige. Just say it. You don’t love me.” I looked away, and tried my best to look irritated and bothered rather than devastated. My broken heart wreaked havoc on my insides. Evan needed to walk out before I disintegrated in front of him.
Everything in me wanted to hold him, say I didn’t mean it, pull him back into my bed and never let him go. But then what? He’s stuck taking care of a sick girl who probably couldn’t give him anything but more heartbreak. This was awful, but better now than later.
“Fine.” Evan spit the word at me as his chest heaved. “Enjoy your space. Good-bye, Paige.”
He slammed the door behind him and I finally let myself crumble to the floor. I sobbed so hard I gasped for air. I crawled over to my couch and watched out my front window at Evan holding on to the door of his truck to catch his breath. He looked the way I felt, as though he just lost the most important part of himself. He banged his hand against the roof before he got in and sped away so fast his tires screeched.
In time he’d see. I did it for him.
Life without Paige became routine fairly quickly. Wake up at three o’clock in the morning, head to the gym to work my body to the point I couldn’t feel anything anymore, go into work and check on job sites, head home and drink enough to pass out.
It’d been almost a week, and I still couldn’t make any sense of it. I was so pissed off I could barely see straight. Maybe I was smothering her and that pushed her away. I still worried about her, and I still loved her so damn much. I struggled to breathe every time I thought of her. I read over her note in my wallet so many times her handwriting faded.
Not seeing her at all was killing me, and as angry as I was, I kept trying to figure out a way to stay in her life. But there was no such thing as halfway with Paige. She was more than just my girlfriend, or ex-girlfriend as the case was now. She was my best friend, the first person I wanted to speak to every day, and the one who knew me better than I knew myself. Life without my Daisy was unbearable; when she left she took all the beauty in my life with her.
A light knocking at the door brought me out of my wallowing.
“Can I come in?” Ellie asked as she wheeled little Jack into the office. Jessica was out for the day, and Ellie paused for a moment before setting the brake on the stroller and sitting in her husband’s old chair.
“Little odd being here. I keep expecting him to walk through the door.”
“Yeah, me too.” I stood to give Ellie a kiss on the cheek and steal a peek at my sleeping godson. The godson I shared with Paige.
“I hope I didn’t bother you . . .”
“Ellie, stop. You’d never bother me. I’m sorry I haven’t been over to see you guys. I’m trying to keep up around here.” I sat in my chair and leaned back. Ellie nodded.
“Paige said you guys broke up.” Ellie frowned as she crossed her legs.
“Apparently, I was smothering her, and she needed space.” I huffed and shook my head.
Ellie let out a deep sigh. “Well, apparently, she needs space from everyone. She rushes me off the phone, and Aunt Tess is ready to break down her door. She told Tess she’s been out working long hours, but I don’t think she’s going in to the office at all. Every time I’ve driven past her apartment, her car is there. She always goes in to the city on Thursdays and I know she was home last week. I think something is very wrong, Evan.” Jack stirred in his carriage and Ellie quickly rocked him back to sleep. “Last time I went over to Paige’s apartment, she had a medicine cabinet full of pill bottles. I was looking for a band aid and didn’t mean to snoop. Did you know if she was taking anything?”
I shook my head. “Other than the medicine for her throat, her birth control, and Advil—no not that I know of. Did you ask her?” Pills? Paige didn’t say a damn thing about any new medicine.
“Yes, but she just blew me off and ushered me out the door. I don’t think she just has a weak immune system. She’s lying to all of us. I think Paige is really sick, and I think her pulling away from everyone means it’s becoming harder for her to hide it.”
Ice ran through my veins as my hands shook. Jack asked me to take care of Paige, and a few short months after his death I’d already completely fucked up.
Ellie rubbed the back of her neck and looked at the ceiling. “I have a theory.” Ellie bit her lip and looked away.
“Ellie, spit it out.” She still wouldn’t turn around, so I shot up and whirled her chair towards me.
“Ellie, what’s your theory?” She looked down for a moment, and then met my gaze with watery eyes.
“Cancer runs in families, Evan.” My heart fell to my stomach as the room spun. My biggest fear was always Paige following Jack. No, this couldn’t be happening. Panic seeped into my chest and I couldn’t breathe. I was dizzy as I staggered back to my chair.
Now it all made sense. Why she was so passionate that last night and why she sobbed after we made love. From that moment on, she wasn’t the same. I let her push me away when she needed me the most. And now I was losing her. Really losing her.
“I need to see her.” I stood and felt my pockets for my keys. Ellie rushed over to me and grabbed my wrist as I started towards the door.
“She won’t let you in. We need to think of another way to coax her out of hiding.”
I picked up my phone and started a text to Paige.
Me: I need a couple of flyers designed. Can you still do them for me?
“Paige wouldn’t stop doing work for me. I’ll make her come in here.”
Ellie nodded. “No she wouldn’t, if for no other reason than for Jack. But how will you get her to come in?”
My phone buzzed with her reply.
Paige: Sure I can. Email me what you need and I’ll send it right back to you.
Me: I may need an ad and a few other things, too. Can you come in this week?
Come on, Daisy. Take the bait.
Paige: OK. I’ll come in on Friday. Noon good?
Me: Noon is perfect. Thank you.
“She’ll be here on Friday.” That was two fucking days away. I threw my phone down on my desk and put my face in my hands. How would I stop myself from climbing the walls until Friday, and how was I going to check on her?
“Ellie, can you still call her every day? At least if she blows you off we know she’s okay enough to speak.”
Ellie raised her eyebrows. “I’m just as worried as you. She can rush me off the phone all she wants, but I won’t stop calling her.” She smiled and shook her head. “The one person who could get through to her, isn’t here anymore. You and I have to work extra hard. We can’t let either of them down.”
“I’m so fucking mad at her, but I miss her so much, Ellie. This past week has been torture, and all this time she’s been sick and alone and hiding from us . . .”
“It breaks my heart. I miss her, too.” Ellie’s voice drifted off as she ran her hand back and forth over the desk.
“Whatever game she’s playing ends now. On Friday, I’ll finally find out the truth.” I only prayed the truth didn’t mean I was about to lose her for good.
I was a complete and total fucking mess.
I snapped at everyone who worked for me and spent the last two days texting back and forth with Ellie to learn if she had any news on Paige. It killed me that I couldn’t drive over there, park my ass on her stoop, and make her talk to me. She was the most important person in my life, and she completely shut me out. Me, and her entire family. That wasn’t Paige. All the Taylors were tight. For Paige to withdraw like this, whatever was going on had to be bad. My imagination ran wild with possibilities. I didn’t know the initial signs or symptoms of leukemia. I’d been living in Philadelphia when Jack called me from the doctor’s office parking lot the day of his diagnosis. After he dropped the bomb on me, the only thing he asked me was ‘I can count on you, right?’ I told him ‘always’ and he ended the call.