“You want to know how I followed you? I grew up on the ’Nets, Ash. I grew up in the Game. This—” He waves a hand, encompassing everything around us. “—is where I live. It’s my house, my backyard, my dreams and my nightmares. I’ll never be anything outside, but in here, I can fly. Taking control of some spyeyes in the Brown is like breathing.” He laughs, grim. “Not that I can do that on my own either.”
I reach across the table and take his hand. Startled, he looks up at me.
“But why didn’t you just tell me? I’m not going to pretend this is easy, but… shit, Ham, I love you. Ever since that first day we met. You know that. You listen to me, the only person who ever has.”
“You say that you love me, but that’s in here. In the Game. You can’t love what I am in the real.”
The bitterness in his voice is startling.
“This body is a lie, Ash.” He gestures to himself. “Oh, I’ve earned my abilities, but not like you. Nothing I have translates. In the real, I’ll never hold you in my arms, never walk with you on a beach, never give you kids, never touch you. Hell, I don’t even know what a beach really feels like. I think even to my own father I’m not much more than a continuation of his work with the corp, a way to vindicate his career, give himself a real legacy the board can’t ignore. He only visits once a year, and it’s to lecture me on my responsibilities, wearing his haphood like it physically hurts him. Like I physically hurt him, just by reminding him what I am in the real. He keeps talking about his plans for me, how he wants me to experience everything the world has to offer, but he can barely even look at me.”
I squeeze his hand, wondering what my own dad thinks when he thinks of me—if he ever does. Wondering if this is the right choice, this anchor I’ve chosen for myself. Ham and I, both shattered in our separate ways, terrified of admitting how much we need each other.
“I was scared to tell you, Ash. Scared that you’d leave. Find someone… real, someone who can do what we do here out there… I’m nothing outside of the Game, outside of the ’Nets. Who can love nothing?”
I think back to Sarah, our brief moment earlier. A moment of connection, yet minuscule compared to all the moments I’ve shared with Ham.
“You’re not nothing, Ham. You’re so much more than that. Who you are in here is all I’ve ever known—and all I’ve wanted to know. That’s who I fell for. Did you ever wonder why I never pushed for a meeting in the real? I was afraid too—afraid you’d see my messed-up family, the shitty box I live in. Afraid it might distract you from what we have, what I already love about you.”
I look around at the dark calmness of the crypto-room, an ocean of universes never quite touching.
“I wish we could just stay here forever, me and you.”
“R-really? Be honest, Ash.”
The eyes in his beautiful face are dark with uncertainty.
“Really, Ham. I’m not happy you didn’t tell me earlier, because wow is this a monumental adjustment.” I shake my head. “And now is sort of a fucked-up time to learn it. But I’ve kept my own secrets too, and the latest round of crap in my life is pretty spectacular, not going to lie. I need you—this place—you’re my haven.”
His tears match my own.
“Thanks, Ash. It’s been sitting in my stomach like a damn gravity bomb. I was scared shitless you were going to leave me when I finally told you, and every day I delayed made it worse.” He squeezes my hand back, the other wiping his eyes. “So what exactly is the ‘latest round of crap’ in your life?”
I take a deep breath, then exhale. Fuck it. If Ham wants to know… it’s not like Sawyer can do anything to the son of a Big Three EVP. I quickly bring him up to speed on everything that’s happened. Brand dying, the hood controlling her, our raid in Industan, Sawyer’s suspicion that one of the Big Three is behind it all, Jase trapped on the rig, Gamers possibly starting another hot war. At the end of it, he looks shell-shocked.
“Goddamn, Ash. I’m almost regretting asking you about this now.”
“Really?”
I start to pull my hand away, but he holds on.
“I said almost.” He smiles. “Look, I’m stuck in a tube, and you’re stuck in a gummie protectorate with a bunch of troglodytes, but we can do this. I don’t want to see war in the real any more than you do. And hey, we can work on the same side for once. Dragon and dragonslayer together, saving the world!”
I smile back at him, my heart lifting.
“See? That’s why I’m not going anywhere. Bodies are a credit a dozen. Hearts and minds are a lot rarer. Trust me, if I wanted a slab of beefcake, there’s no shortage of dickpics in my socials.”
“If you say so. Also, yuck.”
“Yep. Okay, strat time. The way I see it, our first order of business is to figure out where Sawyer’s base is, in case I need to spring Jase. After that, we can track down who’s responsible for Brand’s death. Once we find them, assuming Sawyer doesn’t get there first, me and the girls will pay them a visit.”
“Works for me. I’ll start looking into offshore base locations as soon as possible. The Game execs… my dad… have me alpha testing some interesting new encounters right now—not ghosting anything yet, just overseeing, but the AI looks like it’s pretty intense.” He winks at me. “I think you’ll find it an interesting challenge.”
I mock punch him.
“No hints!”
Ham laughs.
“Fine, fine, you’re right. I’ll try and sneak into my dad’s avatar when I get a chance, see if he’s heard anything about all this. The EVPs tend to keep tabs on everyone and everything—perils of corp life.” He rolls his eyes. “What a future to look forward to, huh?”
“Thanks, Ham. Just… be careful, okay? I already lost Brand. I don’t want to lose anyone else.”
“Careful is my middle name.” He startles, as if pinched. “Whoops, gotta go. Time to test another encounter. I’ll let you know when I find something.”
“Sounds good. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
We lean across to kiss, our lips meeting, his chiseled body fading away to nothing until all I’m left with is the memory of his tongue on mine, and the new awareness that only in this place is that even possible. The whispered hush of a million unintelligible conversations ebbs and flows around me, and I rest my head on my hands, wanting to stay in this hidden sanctuary forever. Safe from all the pressure, all the demands…
My eyebrow twitches.
Fuck it. If I wanted to live a boring life, I’d have stayed in Candyland.
I log off, and seconds later, I’m asleep.
15
[Dailies]
Shapeless forms running at me, their muscles bulging and distorting grotesquely. Heads splitting open, gray tendrils creeping forth from their shattered jaws, stretching for my face. Slend’s lifeless corpse, Wind lying next to her, Kiro vanished, Hammer dying…
Gasping, I pull myself awake, sweat cooling across my body. What a horrible fucking dream. I pull my glasses off of their recharge station to check the time.
Ugh. It’s too early to be awake. No messages, so Sawyer hasn’t pinned anything down yet, and Kiro still has me blocked. Just the ever-present torrent of socials. Groaning, I push myself upright, reaching for my toothbrush, and delete another deluge of abuse. Looks like the boardshits are going with bestiality today. Necrobestiality.