Dear Annabehclass="underline"
My mom and dad are fairly well-connected. As a result, we have Government authorization for Total Access to billions of Snatcher frequencies. My family’s been on the move ever since the first Snatcher prototype was developed. We’ve skipped into all sorts of psychedelic realities, including a black-and-white dimension at a high-end frequency where we were the only colored people in the world. (My parents, who think they’re cool, thought it would be “educational” for us to experience firsthand the prejudices faced by minorities. Well, we were treated like friggin’ circus freaks!) But most of the time the differences were so subtle that I couldn’t even tell we’d skipped.
I’ve met a boy I really like who lives down the block from us, so I want to stay here. I’m not even sure if this is the reality we originally came from, but it’s close enough, I guess. Why do my parents insist on skipping around? Apart from having a new boyfriend here, I’ve made other friends too. And it’s hard to make friends every time I skip. Sometimes the same people are slightly “off” in a new reality, and not as likeable. I hate what the Snatcher has done to my life! My parents just don’t understand.
Elinor/Houston, TX
Dear Elinor:
I suspect you may no longer be around to read this. But in case some other you (or others like you) need advice on this subject, I say: inject some soft hemo-music, take a long drag on a joint, and relax, honey. The important thing is to speak to your parents and keep the lines of communication open. If they refuse to take your feelings into account, speak to a stream of variants until you find a set of parents who care enough about your feelings to listen and to lay down roots here. Instead of condemning the Snatcher (shame on you!), why don’t you use it to help solve your problems?
Dear Annabehclass="underline"
My sister “Betty” is having a crisis of faith. Before the Breach War began, variants of so many faiths skipped through our transborder that she wonders now whether our beliefs are any more “true” than the beliefs of other versions of us. Yesterday a bald variant of Betty showed up and proclaimed her Jesus Christ—a clean-shaven Christ with a buzz cut—the one true Son of God. She ridiculed our own bearded Jesus and called him “a slovenly hippie imposter.” Ever since then, Betty has stopped going to church and has fallen into a deep depression. She keeps asking about the near-infinite number of souls that populate the transdimensional slate and why God, if He exists, would have created them to believe in so many different faiths.
What can I do to help her?
Chastity/Pomfret, Conn.
Dear Chas:
I’ve consulted with spokesman Father Joseph E. DeMichael about the Catholic Church’s position on this subject. Church doctrine, he explained, teaches us that the variants who refuse to believe in the true, bearded Jesus—not other, bizarre Jesii with different haircuts and wardrobes—are doomed to eternal damnation. In fact, many church scholars believe that the very reason God allowed us to invent the Snatcher is so we can seek out our variants and enlighten them about the one true God. So whatever else happens, at least our souls are safe, dear. Pass it along. Tell Betty to pour herself a tall glass of cabernet and relax.
Dear Annabehclass="underline"
I’m stationed at the frontlines near the Great Wall of China where the Breach is at its worst. The hordes continue to battle their way through. We’ve been fighting hard to repel these forces, and this week alone I’ve lost six friends and three versions of their replacements. The other-dimensional armies grow more freakish every day, some are barely humanoid, in fact. We don’t know what’s coming through next, Annabehl. I have to confess: I’m afraid. I’m writing to ask your readers for their prayers and support. Any e-transmissions they could send our way would provide a tremendous lift. Neural books and movies—and especially hemo-music—would be greatly appreciated as well. Thank you.
Private Sandy Ripple,
Special Global Forces
All readers, atten-tion! Every citizen of this plane should applaud the heroism and self-sacrifice of our brave young troops. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for defending the transborders from that wave of lower-dimensional scum, Private Ripple. While those of us who have not done a tour of duty cannot possibly understand the horrors you and your compatriots have faced, we all extend our love and support. Readers, please send your letters and donations to Dear Annabehl and we will arrange to forward them to the troops. Don’t let our soldiers down. Yes, they’re replaceable. But remember, so are the invaders. This is why there appears to be no end in sight to this war. Support our troops!
Dear Annabehclass="underline"
Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but your advice to L.P. from Chicago struck me as amazingly insensitive. He had just lost his son to a brain tumor and his wife used their Snatcher to abduct a variant from a nearby dimension. Of course he felt numb! He never had a chance to grieve. Worse, what about the parents of the variant they kidnapped? They must be devastated by his disappearance. This whole world is turning to [crap]! What were you thinking, Annabehl?
An Old-Timer/Topeka, KS
Dear Old-Timer:
I stand by my advice, gramps. There was simply no need for L.P. to grieve when a replacement was so easily accessible. Grieving is dead! Death is dead! I did recommend psiprobing, however, so he could learn to accept his new son, who is an innocent in all this, after all. As for the transdimensional parents who lost their child, you seem to forget that they too can use their Snatcher to find themselves a replacement. So search for that antique bong in the back of your dusty closet, old man, and inhale deeply. Get with the times.
Dear Readers:
I am pleased that we are once again able to bring you my Dear Annabehl column after our long absence. It’s been a difficult six months. Today’s column is dedicated to all the courageous soldiers and their replacements who gave their lives at the Breach. I understand that there’s still a great deal of confusion, some pessimists might even call it chaos, with the Ardiente administration taking over. Although the Ardiente underlords do have a pseudo-demonic appearance, don’t let their horns and red tails throw you. As they’ve pointed out, they’re “broadminded traditionalists,” a God-fearing salt-of-the-earth-type of people. Most importantly, they have promised to rule benignly and to deregulate Snatchers, to allow Total Access into and out of our reality to people everywhere. Freedom is precious, after all.
There will be a period of adjustment before things get back to normal, but trust me, readers, they will. Keep working hard and have faith. There is a reason for everything. You’ll see. This will all turn out for the best.
Dear Annabehclass="underline"
With the new Government taking over and Total Access now fully in effect, I’ve decided that it’s time for me and my family to take our leave from this reality. My wife is reluctant to leave her friends behind, but I keep telling her that we can relocate just a few frequencies away where she can have the same friends, more or less. Meanwhile, other me’s are flooding in at an unprecedented rate: me’s with blue skin; me’s with mammary glands; me’s with really bad haircuts; and me’s indistinguishable from me in every objectively discernable way (except every now and then one of me will smile in a dark, sly way that gives me chills). There isn’t room in my house for all of me’s. And there’s only one job for one of me. They won’t tell me, but I think they’re all running from something, something truly terrible in their own realities. Whatever it is, I’m afraid that it may be coming. How can I convince my wife to leave? I think it’s time for everyone to escape across the transborder. I know a lot of people who have made the same decision. Maybe I’ll find another world, one where Snatchers were never invented. But how can I skip through unless it has a Snatcher portal entrance? Do you have any advice on whether we should leave?