‘I listened to Zarco’s complaints with the weary feeling of having heard them all many times already, but I didn’t feel like interrupting him. When he finished talking he seemed exhausted and saddened and a little confused. I felt that I should take advantage of that slump to return to the attack and try to convince him, but just then the redheaded guy snorted the first line of coke and, pointing at the last one with a rolled-up thousand-peseta note, invited Zarco to have it; I understood that if Zarco snorted the line it would not be humanly possible to get him back to the prison that night, so, without a second thought, I grabbed the note out of the redhead’s hand, stuck one end in my nose and inhaled the line through the other. The redhead and Zarco were astonished. Then, as my brain coped with the hit of coke, Zarco looked at the redhead, still perplexed he looked back at me, his eyes narrow like slits, and finally laughed joylessly. You’re something else, Gafitas, he said.
‘I snorted the rest of the coke and handed the thousand pesetas back to the redhead. Zarco stopped laughing abruptly, but seemed to relax again straight away, seemed to be back in a good mood; he lit a cigarette and leaned back on the sofa; he said: So you’ve come to rescue me, eh? This time I didn’t answer either. He scrutinized me for a couple of seconds and continued in a relaxed tone: I’m curious about something, Gafitas. I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while and I always forget. What’s that? I asked. Why did you agree to defend me? he asked. Why have you set up this whole scene with the journalists and the brainless María? And why are you so compelled to get me out of jail? You know why, I said. No, said Zarco. I know what you told me, but I don’t know the truth. What’s the truth, Gafitas? Why are you doing this? Are you trying to be sanctimonious, because you want to go to heaven? Or is it that you want me to go to heaven so you take my coke right out from under my nose? It wouldn’t be just that you want to screw Tere, would it? Because if it’s that. . He looked at Tere and shut up. I hadn’t heard her move, but she had moved, silently as a cat: now she was sitting on top of a beer case, with her back against the wall, with her legs crossed and the almost extinguished roach between her fingers, witnessing the scene at a distance, without showing much interest. Zarco stopped looking at Tere and looked at me, intrigued. During those months I had wondered more than once whether he knew that Tere and I were sleeping together; now I thought I sensed that he didn’t even suspect it. I answered: I told you: You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours. In Zarco’s eyes curiosity turned to sarcasm, so, before he could say anything, I jumped the gun. And don’t forget it’s my job, I said as well. This is how I make a living. Fuck off, Zarco replied. People get paid to do their jobs. And you haven’t charged me a fucking cent. You haven’t asked how much you owe me either, I answered. Besides, I don’t charge you money, but that doesn’t mean I’m not earning; maybe I should pay you: you’re making me famous. Zarco looked like he was about to burst out laughing again, but limited himself to simply tightening his lips sardonically, and making a gesture with his hands as if pushing me away and repeating as his gaze wandered to the TV: Fuck off, Gafitas!
‘The TV was showing a car chase across a desert and, for a moment, Zarco became completely absorbed by it, just as the redhead and the black guy were; in the picture window, behind him, the night was turning into dawn. I noticed the coke was starting to speed up my brain. Then, nodding without taking his eyes off the screen, Zarco mumbled something unintelligible several times. Until he suddenly turned to me and asked: You’re doing it because of the day of the bank job in Bordils, aren’t you?’
‘He said that?’
‘More or less: I don’t remember his exact words, but that’s more or less what he said, yeah.’
‘What was your answer?’
‘None. I didn’t know what to answer. It was the worst possible timing to talk about that, or the most unexpected, and the only thing that occurred to me was to wait and see what he did.’
‘And what did he do?’
‘The same as me but in reverse: waited for my reaction. Then, since I wasn’t saying anything, he looked at Tere, looked back at me and, pointing at me, looked back at Tere: Has he ever told you what happened the day they caught us? Well, he corrected himself. The day they caught the rest of us and he escaped. Has he told you? I bet he hasn’t, has he? That was when I interrupted. I didn’t give you away, I said unthinkingly. If you think I informed on you, it’s not true. How was I going to give you away? I was with you, they just about caught me. . I know it wasn’t you, Zarco interrupted me. If it had been you I would have got even by now. I didn’t run my mouth off either, I insisted. That I’m not so sure about, said Zarco. And I don’t know how you can be so sure. Because I am, I lied. Absolutely. Careful, Gafitas, he warned me. The more you say it wasn’t you, the more it seems like it was you and you’re trying to hide that.
‘He shut up. I shut up. Tere also remained silent. Then Zarco added, in a different tone of voice, Anyway that’s not what I meant, or not only that. I was about to ask him what he meant when suddenly I knew; I also knew that he knew that I knew. Then he turned to Tere and kept talking as if I weren’t there, as if he were alone with her. Didn’t I tell you? he asked. He’s ashamed. He feels guilty. This dickhead has been feeling guilty for more than twenty years. Un-fucking-believable, no? He thinks he left me lying there and I stopped the cops so he could get away. That’s what Zarco said. He was talking about what happened in La Devesa after the bank robbery of the Bordils branch, of course.’
‘And was he right? Did you feel guilty?’
‘No. And that’s why I was surprised that Zarco thought I did. Sure, I felt that what had happened that morning in La Devesa had been important, that I’d gambled everything and that I’d come out all right by a miracle. And of course I knew, whether he meant to or not, Zarco had saved me, and I was grateful to him for that. But nothing else. I didn’t feel guilty: if Zarco had helped me then it was because he’d been able to help me, and if I hadn’t helped him it was because I couldn’t help him. That was it, as I already told you. As far as I was concerned no one was to blame.’
‘But Zarco didn’t believe you; I mean: he didn’t believe that you didn’t think it was your fault.’
‘Evidently not. He kept on about it. He kept talking and gesticulating, puffed-up and scornful, increasingly heated, only now apparently sober. He said: Come on, tell the truth, Gafitas. You think I saved you, don’t you? And I said: The only thing I think is that tonight you’re fucking everything up, and you’re going to regret it. Zarco laughed again. Sure you do, he said. You take me for an idiot, or what? You think I didn’t know? That’s what you think and you feel you owe me and that’s why you’re a wanker and you’ll always be a wanker. There’s no hope for you: mister big-shit shyster and you’ve never understood nothing about nothing. Look at yourself, dickhead, look at you coming here to save your little friend. Aren’t you embarrassed to be such a wanker? But, don’t you realize me and you aren’t friends? Shut up now, Tere interrupted him. I don’t feel like it, replied Zarco, without taking his eyes off me. You and me aren’t friends, he went on. We’re not friends now and we never have been. Stop being so holier than thou, for fuck’s sake; stop making a fool of yourself. Don’t you realize that we’ve been using you because I knew that you had to wash away your guilt and nobody was going to do more for me than you? I told you to shut up, Tere interrupted again. And I told you I don’t feel like shutting up, replied Zarco. Let’s see if this guy can figure out that he thinks he’s real smart but he’s a wanker and he’s making a fool of himself. See if you can figure out the truth for fucking once, man. . And you know what the truth is? He stared at me, breathing hard; then he looked at Tere, looked back at me and seemed to start to cool down. The truth is that we don’t know who ran their mouth off that day, he said, more calmly. Maybe it was you, maybe it was someone else; we don’t know, and that’s what saves you. But what we do know is that I didn’t stop anybody or defend anybody; the only thing I did was defend myself: if I’d had to fuck you over to defend myself, I would have fucked you over. Of that you can be sure. Is that clear? I didn’t say anything, and the question hung in the room’s foul air for a few seconds. During the silence that followed, Zarco tilted a beer can to his lips and, finding it was empty, threw it furiously on the floor. God, he muttered, leaning back in the sofa. That happened a fuck of a long time ago. Can’t you leave me alone, at least for tonight. Forget me, man. You don’t owe me nothing. And, if you did owe me, you’ve paid me back already. It’s over. End of story. Debt cleared. You can go now.