“Maybe.” It wasn’t exactly progress, but maybe it was something after all. I hadn’t had any more seizures because I was releasing my power regularly. I still had to be Linked when I slept, but that wasn’t so bad.
“So do you think they’ll let you go on a mission soon?” Ginni asked. She averted her eyes and flattened the fabric on the table.
Xona looked over at Ginni curiously. “Why? What do you know?”
Ginni bit her lip. “Well, I might have heard something about it is all. Word is that General Taylor is prepping for another big mission.”
“I heard a rumor about it too.” Xona sat up straighter. “Tyryn let me borrow some practice weapons, and I’ve been training every minute the center is free.” She popped two shiny weapons out of her holster.
“Not that he’ll let you take any ammunition outside the training room,” Ginni reminded her.
“Well, some live rounds might have accidentally fallen into my bag in the equipment room.”
“Xona!” Ginni sounded appalled.
“What? I’m the only non-glitcher on the team. When we get into battle I can’t hocus-pocus my way out of it. I need these beauties,” she patted her weapons affectionately. “But about the mission. Tyryn wouldn’t tell me any details. What have you heard?” She looked back at Ginni.
“Well, I might have overheard that the General is planning to pit us against the Chancellor’s group of glitchers.”
Xona let out a low whistle.
“I wonder what kinds of powers they’ll have,” Ginni said. “What do you think, Zoe?”
She turned to me and I felt like shrinking down in my chair. I was sure the General was well aware of my lack of progress. Sophia would have made sure of it. If the General was planning a mission, she wasn’t going to take me.
“I don’t know,” I mumbled. But then I really considered the question. If we were going up against the Chancellor’s glitchers, would that include Max?
“Ginni—” I sat up suddenly. Why hadn’t I thought of it before? “You can locate anyone in the world, right?”
She looked up in surprise. “Yeah.”
I grabbed her hand. “Can you find my friend Max?”
“I’m sorry, Zoe. Molla’s already asked.” Ginni’s eyebrows drew together. “Whatever it is about being a shape-shifter, it makes him invisible to me. He can fool anyone into seeing him as someone else, and it fools my power, too.”
“Oh,” I said, feeling a mixture of relief and disappointment. I tried to picture him escaping the Chancellor and running off on his own, impersonating an Upper somewhere and living the luxurious life he’d always wanted. But I knew it was unlikely. He’d gone back to the Chancellor. She wouldn’t have trusted him again and would be sure to keep him under constant control with her compulsion power.
“I don’t see why you or Molla even care,” Xona said. “He chose to join the Chancellor. He helped her.”
“It’s more complicated than that,” I said. “He made some really bad choices. The Chancellor got to him right when he was new to glitching. He thought working for her would keep us safe. He didn’t realize what she was planning—”
“Yeah, maybe,” Xona scoffed, “but then he stayed behind when he had the chance to escape. After he knew how evil she was.”
I opened my mouth, but then closed it again. I couldn’t deny she was right. Max had done some horrible things. But I truly believed he’d started out with good intentions, and I wasn’t blameless either. If I deserved a chance at redemption, after what I’d done to my older brother, didn’t Max? After all, no one had died because of him.
And he’d only stayed behind with the Chancellor because he couldn’t bear to come with me. I didn’t know how to explain that, if circumstances had been different, I was sure Max could have been a much better person. Or how, in spite of everything, I still considered him family. “I’ve got to believe there’s still some good in him.”
Xona smirked. “I knew it. You really do think you can save everyone.” She turned to me, her face dark. “Look, you’ve been protected in one bubble or another your whole life. You haven’t seen what’s really going on out there. But I have. Trust me, sooner or later you’re going to find out that not everyone makes the right choice when it matters most. Not everyone is worth saving.”
I felt my face heat up. “Who are you to decide who’s worth saving and who’s not?”
“I don’t really care who we save and who we don’t.” She leaned in. “I just want to kill as many Regs as I can and, maybe if I’m lucky, take out some Uppers too. I want to make them all pay.” She spun one of the guns around her finger and then resheathed it.
Ginni had been ignoring our conversation and kept pushing material through her machine, but she stood up and dramatically twirled the fabric in a circle. “All done. It’s called a skirt!” she exclaimed. The skirt was patchwork, made from odd-shaped squares of old Community uniforms, some ex-Reg coverall blue, browns from the service worker uniforms, even the surgeon’s reds. “Isn’t it pretty?”
Xona touched the cloth skeptically. “Looks like it’d be hard to run in.”
This time it was Ginni who rolled her eyes. “It’s not for running. It’s for looking pretty.” She grabbed the skirt back from Xona.
“Who you trying to look pretty for anyway?” Xona asked.
Ginni turned to us, mouth open like she planned on mentioning something or someone. But then she paused and frowned. “I can’t remember.”
Chapter 13
“GOOD AFTERNOON LADIES,” Jilia said, settling herself down in front of us.
I sat down on the cushion while she put a box on the ground beside her. Xona leaned over and opened it. A cluster of little clear balls lay inside.
“What are those?” I asked.
“Marbles,” Xona said. “I used to play with them when I was a kid.”
“I wanted to try something a little more tactile for Zoe to focus on while we meditate. But the same practices apply to non-glitchers, so it will be useful for you as well, Xona.”
“Okay,” I said, but I wasn’t convinced. Nothing had worked so far.
“First, Zoe, I want you to think about some memory that brings up strong emotions.”
I looked over at Xona, then down at the ground again. “Um, that might not be … safe.”
“It will be fine,” Jilia said, her voice calm and soothing. “You won’t hurt us. You can always Link yourself if you feel like you’re going to lose control. That’s been part of the problem, I think. You’re so afraid of losing control that you never allow yourself enough leeway to access and explore your power. Being locked up in the research lab for all those months only exacerbated the problem right when your power was expanding and you needed to be experimenting most. We’ve got to break those habits. So try to abandon your fears. This is a safe place. Just remember you can Link yourself the moment you feel your power getting out of control. Think of that like a safety switch.”
I nodded, uncertain. What she said made sense, but I’d been afraid of my power for so long …
“Close your eyes and think of a powerful emotional memory. As soon as you feel the power start to build, let me know.”
I closed my eyes and sifted through my memories. Well, getting mad at Adrien’s mom usually worked to get me upset. I thought about our latest session yesterday and how she’d said that I would always fail the people I loved most. A slight buzzing did begin to build in my ears at the thought. But then I shook the memory off. No. I didn’t want to draw on negative emotions if I could avoid it.
Instead, I switched to another memory. Of Adrien and me alone in my room back in the Community, when he’d tried to explain what love was. He’d called it a miracle that, in a world so broken and painful, love could still exist.