4.06
I’d seated myself so the crowd was at my back, with the idea that I’d be able to see the window, hopefully spotting danger, or seeing if and when Rose turned up. I felt the absence, and I felt a bit of mounting pressure alongside it.
“So,” I said. “I dunno about you, but I’m wracking my brains, trying to think about what to talk about, and I have no idea. Family’s off the table, we talked about occupation, I don’t think either of us are really in a place to look beyond the immediate future…”
“I’m doing the same thing. Except maybe not thinking about it so much as not thinking clearly about anything particular.”
“Sorry,” I said. I couldn’t say if it was because of her just being the way she was or if it was because of my influence. It was too similar to how I’d felt near Pauz. Radiation?
“But I don’t mind just being here. Having company.”
“No?”
“No,” she said, avoiding eye contact.
“I, uh, don’t think I’m very good at this,” I said. “Generally speaking.”
“I think this is the first time I’ve ever been anywhere with a guy. Unless you count the time I was in fifth grade and I had a boy friend I liked to imagine was a boyfriend. And I made a fool of myself and his mom was there and… I don’t know why I’m saying this.”
“I don’t mind.”
“Is this your first? Erm, your first time being out with a girl?”
“No. I’ve been out a few times. Some back when I was in school, friend of my cousin. Some later, there was a girl I hung out with on the streets, until she decided to steal my stuff.”
“Oh, oh wow, I’m sorry.”
“No worries.”
“Did that scare you off dating, or- no, stupid question.”
“I don’t think I’d even care, if I ran into her now. Sucked at the time, but I’m glad she broke it off, so to speak. Um. There have been a few girls that Alexis introduced me to, after I started putting my life together. The singer, the architect, the big sister.”
“Big sister?”
“I’m still not sure what was going on. Whenever we spent time together, it was always revolving around these kids, her little brothers and sisters that she was taking care of. She had her hands full. We never even broke up. We just… kind of made less and less dates until I realized it had been two months since we’d last connected.”
“Oh. How old were the kids?”
“Three and five, if I remember right?”
“Maybe they were hers? She could have been lying?”
The thought caught me off guard.
“Damn it,” I said. “You’re probably right. I didn’t even think about it.”
“I shouldn’t even be asking about this.”
“I don’t mind,” I said.
“I mean- um. This is a date, right?”
I shrugged, hunched over my coffee and the table, so the steam was in my face, and my face was closer to her, allowing me to hear her in the general noise of the University coffee shop. I was covering one hand with the other so the locket wouldn’t be the first thing she saw when she looked down. “Yeah. Kind of? Let’s call it the best of both worlds.”
“Can we do that?”
I smiled. “Why the hell not? If it works out, then we call it a date. If it doesn’t, we were just out as two people with a mutual friend, who might become friends.”
“I’m doing it all wrong, either way. I shouldn’t be asking about exes.”
“I don’t mind. I think it should be allowable, provided there isn’t any dwelling on the subject, unresolved love, or any of that, and there definitely isn’t, here. Talking about it lets us share some horror stories, break the tension, maybe even subtly hint at what not to do.”
“What not to do?”
“Well, now you know not to bring your kids if we have a date in the future.”
She laughed, a short, surprised, nervous ‘ha’. “Not a problem. No kids.”
“Well that’s a relief. See? And I could say the thing with the singer was a horrible comedy of errors, including me having an ear infection for the better part of the so-called ‘relationship’, meaning I couldn’t really hear her when she did a show, and I tried to bluff my way through it. Then she wasn’t considerate when I wanted to take things really, really slow, on the, er, intimacy front, and I got upset. Maybe ‘comedy of errors’ is the wrong term. It wasn’t funny, now that I think back on it.”
“Alexis sort of mentioned some things. I wasn’t sure if I should bring it up, or how to ask, or if I should.”
“See? The ex topic isn’t a bad thing, since it lets us gently bring up this sort of thing, right?”
“Yeah.”
I wasn’t able to maintain eye contact, so I looked down at my coffee instead. “If we were doing something date-ish here, I might say that that thing about me wanting to take things slow is still true.”
“Sure. I… kind of figured, already.”
“Figured?”
“I mean… even your posture, before? Here?”
“If you’re talking about those… guys, before, that’s something more complicated.”
“I’m talking about the party, and the way you’re sort of tense now.”
Tense? I looked at what I was doing, leaning over the table, both arms resting on the surface, coffee in front of me. I could maybe see how it might read as guarded.
I shifted position, pulling my chair closer to the table, sitting up straighter. I forced myself to relax some, though I remained very aware of the people going this way and that behind me.
“Don’t- please don’t change what you’re doing, on my account. I’ll feel bad. Do what makes you comfortable.”