Ouch.
It wasn’t that he was being hurtful. He was, but it was the kind of hurt I had to trust to those close to me to provide. That any of us did. The sort of truth that one didn’t want to hear. The sort of truth, even, that one might not immediately appreciate, that could test the friendship.
“What are you thinking?” Alexis asked.
“It would be a lot easier if this was the answer,” I said.
“But?”
“But it’s feeling less like that’s the case,” I said.
“Yeah,” she said.
“Can I butt in?” Rose asked.
I glanced her way.
“Books on shamans talk about the value of trophies. Powerful shamans wear the furs of defeated enemies, to retain a share of that enemy’s power. You can go pretty dark-side with that, wearing finger bones or dismembered body parts, on top of everything else, but you could also find some use in a trophy like the Hyena’s blade.”
“That bit that the Elder Sister said about you being tainted by Conquest?” I asked. “Talking about abusing your defeated enemies doesn’t help matters.”
“Using the Hyena was your idea before it was mine,” Rose retorted.
“Fair point,” I said.
“Some shamans specifically hunt monsters to get materials to make items with, infusing those items like you infused June’s hatchet. Right here, you’ve got something that could be powerful. Tricky, yes, but powerful. Tap into what the Hyena could do. Strength, durability, inspiring fear…”
“There’s the Conquest bit again,” Alexis commented.
Rose shot Alexis a glare, but Alexis was staring at the table, where the blade had gouged it.
“She’s not wrong. This is about me committing to a path,” I said. I touched a spike on the handle, “Putting myself in harm’s way… taking a violent path.”
“You said you wanted to stop monsters like that,” Evan said.
“I do,” I said. “Maybe we could do it without resorting to direct violence.”
“Oh,” Evan said. “Maybe. How?”
“Traps,” I said. “Thinking things through, being methodical…”
“How well has that gone in the past?” Rose asked.
“I trapped the Hyena,” I said, the words slipping out of my mouth before I realized the irony of the statement.
I was talking about not taking the Hyena. Taking a different path.
The problem with Rose and I being so similar was that we thought in similar ways. I could see her level stare, as if she were seeing straight through to what I was thinking.
“I guess I’ve got a choice,” I said, before she could make a point of it. “Do I want to take this path, or do I want to leave it for a future date?”
Assuming I have a future.
The thought butted its way into my mind. I very nearly said it out loud, but I didn’t want to drive that home for my friends.
“The Hyena wounded spirits,” Rose said. “It left scars on them. If you tap into that, you could do the same with your workings.”
I shook my head.
Not selling me there.
“Okay,” Rose said, “Fine. Let’s assume you don’t want to go down this route. When and where do you make your next grab for power? Do you want to establish a demesne?”
“No,” I said. “No, it’s… god, I hate that idea.”
“Why?” Rose asked.
“Because… the big life decisions. A familiar represents the people you want to be around, choosing an implement is like choosing a career, and a demesne is where you want to be. I can’t even articulate it, but I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be in Jacob’s bell. Following through on what I promised Evan? That’s something else. I can do that in, I dunno, Nova Scotia, or British Columbia, or New Zealand, you know? But even talking about this, I feel-”
I touched my heart.
“-I feel like I could panic. Like I’m making some decision and I’ll never get away from this, if I confine myself to one place.”
“Like I’m confined?” Rose asked.
“You know what I mean,” I said. “You can still explore. I know it’s not ideal, it’s fucked, and it’s even unpleasant, being shackled to me and the house, but we have leeway… but maybe, yeah, maybe like you’re confined.”
“You can understand my problem?” she asked. “This isn’t smart, throwing away ideas out of hand. Getting me out of here happens in one of two ways. Either you get power, which a demesnes or a strong implement would help with…”
“…Or I die,” I said.
There was a chill in the room.
“No dying,” Evan said.
“We’re going to do our best to avoid dying,” I echoed him. “I raised the question of using the Hyena because I wasn’t sure if I liked the idea. The negatives are adding up, and together they’re outweighing the potential positives.”
“Do you have other ideas for implements?” Rose asked.
I shook my head. “I’ve thought about tools, something like the hatchet, but a mallet or something. I’m looking for something that… how did you put it, Maggie?”
“Hm?”
“When I asked about your implement?”
She drew and flourished her athame with a measure of skill that suggested an easy sort of familiarity with the tool. “It’s not a weapon, exactly, it’s something that you use to deliver the coup de grace once you’ve got your opponent.”
“Not that,” I said.
“It fits me? It resonates with me?”
“That. Resonate.”
She tossed the stylized knife into the air, then caught the handle, sheathing it in the same motion.
“I might feel different if I had my hands on stuff, but I don’t. All I can say is that the ideas don’t resonate with me.”
“This does, or did?” Ty asked.
“A bit,” I said. “It fits, but handcuffs can fit too, and they aren’t necessarily something I’d want to wear every day.”
“I know a few people who would disagree,” Ty said.
“So we’re settled, then?” Alexis asked.
I ran my finger along the Hyena’s handle.
“I’ll do without,” I decided. “I’m not making the call when I feel this ambivalent, and not wanting this as an implement doesn’t mean I can’t get some use out of it. It’s still a possible trophy, and I could get something out of it.”
“Wait, Maggie, you don’t have any commentary?” Rose asked Maggie. “I thought you’d push for the Hyena.”
“Nah,” Maggie said. “I’ve dealt with goblins for a while. I’ve seen how bad they get when they’re bad. If he wanted to go for it, I’d back him up. If he wanted to go for it. But I’m not a dumb- I’m not stupid. I’m not going to force the issue. I recommend you do the same.”
Rose frowned.
“Okay,” I said, grabbing the broken blade. “That’s off the table.”
Rose spoke, quiet, “It’d be nice if we weren’t waiting for all hell to break loose before making the tough calls on this sort of thing.”
“We discussed it,” I said. “It’s good. In the heat of the moment, I might have gone ahead with it.”