I should explain what happened the other time because you are my diary and you do not know anything except what I wrote here. It was when I was playing with Pearl even though I was ixplicitly told I mustnt. She kept telling me she knew a fun game and she gave me one of her toys to hold, then she took my hand and pulled me along. Part of the game she said was that we had to go into her familys shed. Her sisters and older cousins were there and they all had sticks and things. They started hitting me over and over and kept knocking me down and would not let me leave.
I was lucky that everyone in Pearls family that isn’t a daddy is a girl and they were not very strong. I bunched up into a ball and I shouted what daddy told me to shout if anyone every hurts me and I do not think I can get away. WITH THIS BLOOD SHED I PAY YOU FURFUR. EXACT MY REVENGE. Daddy said it sounded convincing and if it came to that and Furfur listend I would not be much worse off. I rememberd it because Furfur always sounded like an awfuly silly name.
Pearl and her sisters and her cousin ran when I said that and I went home. I cryed and cryed the entire way and I fell down a lot because my leg hurt where I got hit. I even scuffed my bottom lip and chin on the road when I fell on the path up to the house because its a hill and its steep in places.
When I got home I told daddy what happened and he got really really really angry. I was scared he would whup me but he cleaned me up and wiped up the blood instead. He asked me lots of questions about what happened like had I played with Pearl before and how did I get away. Then he asked me about Pearl and where we would play and if I ever saw Pearl playing after sunday school. Then he put me to bed and told me I did not have to go to Sunday school the next day.
I forgot I wasn’t going to sunday school and I woke up and daddy was sitting in the living room with a drink looking out the window. He looked scary because he had that mean and angry look he has sometimes when he whups me and he was wearing the clothes from yesterday and he hadn’t shaved his face. He left without saying anything except to tell me I had to stay home.
Then he came back and he changed and shaved and we ate and daddy told me that whatever came next I was forbidden to cry.
There was a knock on the door and then Pearl’s Mama came inside dressed in her sunday best. Daddy made tea and gave Pearl’s mama a cup and gave me a cup and made a cup for himself and they talked about everything except me and Pearl. He looked and sounded danjerous and so did she but in a diferent way. Then Pearl’s mama asked about hair and he reached into his pocket and he pulled out all this blond hair tied into a knot in the middle and he put it over his knee.
She asked for it and he asked for her to promise he wouldn’t get in trouble and that I would be safe from her daughter. They shook hands and then he gave her the hair. She asked if it was all there and he said yes. Then she asked if she could trust him and he smiled and said no but she had no choice.
I didn’t know where the hair came from until I went to school the next day and I saw Pearl with her hair cut shorter than most of the boys. Mrs. Packman said it was because of bugs and we shouldn’t laugh but I knew the truth. Even though Pearl and her family hit me with sticks I felt really bad because Pearl always loved her long hair. Even when braided it was long enough to touch her bottom. She won’t even look at me now and she acts scared.
It was only after that was over that daddy whupped me. It was almost as bad as being hit with the sticks because I was already sore. I peed pink after. The peeing hurt and I would stamp and drum my feet on the stepstool in front of the loo to distract myself until daddy belowed for me to stop.
He asked me if I learned the lesson and I said yes. He asked me what the lesson was and I said it was I needed to listen. He asked me why I needed to listen and I said if I was disobedient and did not listen then everyone would hurt me. He said that was close enough.
If I have to be truthful then I need to say my feelings hurt almost as bad as any of it. I wish someone would explain this better. Daddy said it was a trick but I said I did not think it made sense that someone my age could plan a trick like that and plan ahead to have people waiting in the shed like Pearl did.
Daddy said the members of the Duchamp family could and they would do worse because they were scared of me so I could never ever never ever be friends with them. I asked him not even when I was an adult and he said when I am an adult I will know better or I deserve what I get.
I think I started having the bad dreams around then. Every night for a long time. Then one night daddy came and picked me up and he carried me to his bed. He told me the deal was I was allowed to cry but only so long as it was night and my head was on the pillow. In daylight I cannot cry or show weakness. He held me and he stroked my hair until I started to fall asleep and I felt safer. I cryed myself to sleep and I felt better.
After the bad dreams went away, I went back to sleeping in my own bed. Daddy had me pick a special object to me and sit naked in a circle while I read from a book. He said it would be better if mommy was here but I need to learn to defend myself sooner than later.
I don’t know how to defend myself yet. I do know that I was really worried about being lonly forever. My mommy is away buying a book and she has been gone since winter and she should have come back by now. I am not allowed to make friends if they belong to certain families and I am not allowed to make friends if they are already friends with someone from one of those families. Because most people here are like that I cannot make any friends my age.
But there are things that aren’t my age or my daddy’s age or even the age of the house that want to be my friend now. Tricky things and scary things and things that offer me gifts like Pearl offered me the toy before she took me to the shed. I have to be very very careful but I do not feel as lonly anymore.
This took me a real long time to write. I am still learning and I have to stop and think before each thing I write to make sure I am not lying. It made me feel better and I think it was a good idea.
I am going to go give my dad a hug now for letting me write this diary and then I am going to go talk to tricky things.
Yours,
Rose Thorburn
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March 9th, 1932
These words are my own for me alone and nothing I write here is meant to be binding.
Dear Diary
Arsepint lives up to his name. The dirty rotten bastard.
I played a game with Arsepint and his followers today and he cheated! He wanted a lot of things and the only thing I was willing to give him was a kiss. I am still tasting bad eggs and garbage from the peck I gave him on the cheek. He said a lot of very rude things to me after.
I asked daddy for advice and he told me I had to earn a victory or none of the goblins around here would respect me. I asked him how to win a victory and he took me to the library and helped me pick out books.
Some of these books are so thick I can put my hand down flat on the spine and have room on either side. I asked and daddy said that being good at books is not always about reading a lot but its sometimes about knowing where to start looking.
He also said I needed to stop asking so many questions. He said I have answers and I need to look for them on my own.
Wish me luck Mr. Diary. I will let you know how I am doing.
Rose Thorburn
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