We finished the joint and I gave them both cigarettes. The stars were dots between the branches. On the other side of Teddy, Ivan started carving in the tree with a knife. He carved SUICIDE RULZ. Teddy was next and wrote FUCK GUNN. They told me I had to write something.
“I feel bad, the tree is so old.”
“Fuck you,” said Ivan. “Do it.”
I drew a heart. It was hard to make it round because of the bark, so it was jagged on one side.
* * *
Eighth grade continued. For a month Mr. B acted like nothing happened. Our team was doing well and he just acted like a coach so I just acted like a player. But it was hard, because it was like I was just one of the other girls. He told his jokes to everyone but I didn’t laugh as much.
Then on Halloween Mr. B asked me to trick-or-treat with him and Michael. I was surprised but I said okay. I dressed as a cat in black tights and Tiff drew whiskers on my face with black lipstick. Mr. B was dressed in a 49ers jersey and football pants and a helmet. He said he was supposed to be Steve Young. On the back of the jersey it said YOUNG and there was a big 8. Michael was dressed as Link, the elf from his video game. He wore green and had a little sword and a plastic jack-o’-lantern for candy.
We walked around and Michael would go up to each door and get candy and we would wait for him on the sidewalk. We talked a little about the soccer team. The championships were coming up and we were tied for first place with Mountain View.
He told me a joke: “A horse falls into a mud puddle and can’t get out. So a chicken ties the horse to the bumper of his Mercedes and pulls him out. Later, the chicken falls into the mud, but the horse just stands close and says, ‘Grab on to my thingy and pull yourself out.’ The moral is, if you’re hung like a horse you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.” I said it was funny, but I didn’t laugh.
Later we went back to his place. He let Michael pick three candies to take to bed with him and made him leave the plastic jack-o’-lantern on the coffee table in the living room. While they were back in the bedroom I waited on the couch. I ate one of Michael’s Baby Ruths and then I took a roll of Smarties. They were really sour so I just had two and put the rest in my sock with the Baby Ruth wrapper.
Mr. B came back out; he didn’t have the helmet on. He sat on the couch and asked if I wanted any of Michael’s candy. I said no.
“You’re a very pretty cat.”
“Why don’t we talk at school anymore?”
“You know why.”
“I know, but you could at least be nice to me. It’s like you don’t even like me anymore.”
“Are you crazy? I’m in love with you, April.”
I told him I had to go, that there was a party that the girls were having and I was late. I stood up, but he stood up too and grabbed my shoulders.
“Listen to me, I love you. Okay? I love you. I have just been weird because I didn’t want anything bad to happen. But I don’t care now. I want to be with you. We’ll work it out. You can just come babysit all the time or something.” He laughed a little and tried to get me to laugh by looking into my eyes and squeezing my shoulders. I pushed against him.
“I have to go.”
“April, why? So you can hang around a bunch of little boys? Come on, you’re better than that. Stay here, with me. We’ll just watch a movie, I’m sure there is something scary and stupid on.” I wanted to stay but I was feeling emotional. I pushed his hands away and left.
The next week our soccer team played in the championships. They were a week long at a junior high school called Egan in Los Altos. Mr. B seemed like he wanted to be nice but I stayed away from him and just played. On the last day we lost to Mountain View. When the team came out of the locker room Mr. B asked if anyone wanted a ride home. Shauna and Sandy said they did. He looked at me.
“April? Would you like a ride?” The other girls were looking at me so I said yes. In the car everyone was sad about losing so we didn’t say much. He dropped Sandy off first because she lived in the nice part of town. He told her she had played very well.
When he dropped Shauna off he said, “You’re the best team I’ve ever coached.”
Then we drove. I was in the front seat. He wasn’t driving toward my house but I didn’t say anything. It was getting dark. “April, you really are the best player.” I didn’t say anything. “You want to hear a joke?” I didn’t say anything so he didn’t tell it. I took my cigarettes from my bag and I lit one. He didn’t say anything but he cracked my window.
At his house he parked and told me that Michael was still at day care. He got out, and after a second I got out. Inside, he got me some water from the kitchen but I didn’t drink it. I just kissed him. I did it hard because I was angry with him and sad because of the game. And sad because soccer was over and it was the thing I knew how to do best. We went to the couch. I was wearing sweats and he undressed me and got a condom and I lay on my back and we did it, simple. And then it was over. I was fourteen. We got dressed and he drove me home. At my house I saw the Smarties from Halloween on my desk. I undid the plastic wrapper and ground each one into powder.
For the rest of the year, I went to Mr. B’s all the time. Sometimes to babysit and sometimes not. We’d sit in his living room, in the dark, and watch TV. Most Saturdays we’d watch Saturday Night Live, and weekdays we’d watch reruns of Cheers. He had a good body, good hair, and a nice smile. He was funny; he liked television and funny movies. He wasn’t older and I wasn’t younger. We went to the mall sometimes too and got clothes. We always took Michael to the mall.
The next year I went to high school at Paly but I still went to Mr. B’s all the time. My parents thought I was babysitting. I would tell Mr. B that I loved him and he would tell me. My sister was the only one who knew. She said it was okay as long as we were in love.
After everything had been going on with Mr. B for almost two years, I went to a party one night. I usually didn’t go to parties because I spent so much time with Mr. B. I went with Shauna and Alice. They were my only friends and that was only because I saw them at soccer.
When we got to the house everyone was sitting around the living room; some were on the couch and some were
on the carpet. The carpet was beige and so was the couch, and the walls were dark wood paneling. Everyone was being pretty quiet. The girls and I went to the kitchen and got some beers from some junior guys, Denny Johnson and Beau. I wanted to be like the other girls so I laughed when the guys said things.
Back in the main room, someone put on Menace II Society, so then everyone was sitting around the floor watching the big brown TV on the beige carpet. The movie was stupid. It tried too hard. It was trying to show a tough kind of life, but also be cool about it. There were shootings and sex and car jackings and everyone was too tough to care. I watched for an hour and drank three beers. After an hour I went outside to smoke.
Teddy was out there. There were a few other people off in the dark. I hadn’t talked to him in a while because he was in the smart classes. I pulled out my pack of Reds, but it was empty. I asked Teddy for a cigarette. Teddy handed me a Camel Light. I lit it with my black lighter and tasted the difference. I saw Teddy’s reflection and my reflection in the sliding glass door, and behind the reflections was everyone else inside, watching the movie.
“That’s a stupid movie,” I said. Teddy laughed and I could tell he was drunk. He asked me why I thought it was stupid. “Because,” I said. “We know the ghetto is bad, that’s why it’s the ghetto, but that movie is making it look cool. Like Ivan and all those guys are getting all excited about O-Dog because he shoots innocent people and laughs about it. That’s not cool—the guy is a fucking murderer.”