Even though there was hurt weighting her words, anger was the only thing reflected in her eyes.
“Emma, I didn’t mean…that’s not what I said,” I fumbled. She wasn’t supposed to hear any of that.
“Oh shit. She heard you,” Sadie gasped in my ear.
“I really need to go, Sadie.”
“No. Don’t hang up with her. Continue talking about how being here with Mom and me has prevented you from focusing on yourself and your dating life. Please, by all means, don’t let me stop you from having your pity party. We all know you have so much to bitch about.” Emma rolled away, leaving me with my cell still pressed against my ear, and my mouth hanging open.
“I’ll talk to you later,” Sadie said, before I heard the click of her hanging up.
My arm holding my cell dropped to my lap. I continued to stare after Emma, shocked by her harsh words. That wasn’t what I said, and it damn sure wasn’t what I meant. Was it? Did I truly mean she and Mom were holding me back?
Maybe.
But it wasn’t either of their faults. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. I squeezed my eyes shut, worried what she had heard would send her further down the dark, twisting spiral of depression she was on.
“Emma, wait.” I bolted from where I was sitting, and darted across the yard. Once she made it to the ramp the church had built off the kitchen and inside the house, she would head straight for her room and lock the door. It was how she spent most of her days now, especially the bad ones. “Emma. Please stop.” I moved to her side, fighting the urge to block her path. It would only piss her off more if I did, so I remained where I was.
“What?” She paused, and glanced up at me. It was still so strange to see her looking up at me. She had always been a few inches taller than me my whole life, and now that the roles were reversed, I couldn’t get used to it. Even though it had been months since the accident occurred. “Are you going to take the words back? Try to backtrack, and tell me you don’t feel trapped here now?” Her hazel eyes were like daggers piercing me with enough force to slice me in two. The anger swarming around her was unlike anything I’d ever seen before. This wasn’t Emma, but it was who the accident had turned her into.
Her anger twisted my guilt, turning it into something I shouldn’t feel—irritation. “I was venting, Em! That’s what people do when they’re under a lot of stress from something.” My mouth snapped closed after the words left my mouth. God, I wasn’t making this any better.
A cruel smirk twisted my sister’s face into someone unrecognizable. “You’re under a lot of stress…really? What about me? Don’t you think I’m under a lot of stress? You have nothing compared to the weight of what I’m dealing with on your shoulders.”
How could she say that? Didn’t she realize she wasn’t the only one this accident affected? “I never said you weren’t under a lot of stress.” I threw my hands up in frustration. Nothing I said would make this better, and I was growing more pissed by the second. “What I said was that I was venting to Sadie—”
“Right. I know,” she cut me off. “Because having to be responsible for someone other than yourself for once in your life is too much for you to handle.” She scoffed.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I knew what she was implying, but I wanted to hear her say it. I wanted to hear her say how much I sucked at being there for her and Mom.
Emma’s eyes narrowed on me. “Exactly what I said. You’re having a hard time taking care of someone else besides yourself for once. You’ve always been the selfish one. I don’t know what I was thinking when I thought you might be able to shove your self-centered tendencies to the side for once.”
“Wow, really?” I felt my eyes widen and my brows reach my hairline as her words washed over me. Then hurt settled in. “Is that really how you see me?”
“That’s how it’s always been, Char. Don’t pretend it hasn’t. And don’t be pissed at me for saying so.” There was no emotion attached to her words, but they hit me in the gut, hard and fast.
“Since we’re being so fucking honest with one another, let me enlighten you a little as well.” My hurt had turned to pure rage at the lack of emotion in her words. I needed to control my anger, but couldn’t. I was seeing red. “Maybe I am a little selfish in wishing none of this happened, because then I would be back at school working my ass off to get my business management degree and giving a guy I just met, whom I might have a decent shot at a relationship with, the time of day! I’m not going to apologize for that, because I’m human!” I took in a deep breath, not even remotely done with what I was saying, but gaining enough air to continue. “Then again, maybe I’m not selfish, because I am here after all! I dropped out and walked away, didn’t I?”
“And what do you want for it? A cookie? A trophy?” Her tone irked me to no end. I wanted to slap her. “It took me nearly dying for you to finally decide to stick around and help out. You should have been here from the beginning, helping out on weekends or something with Mom. Anything. Instead, you left all of that on my shoulders.”
Tears pricked my eyes. “You think I was okay with that? You think I didn’t realize how shitty it was of me?”
“You sure didn’t act like it.”
“I was scared, Em. I didn’t like seeing Mom like that.” I drew in a deep breath, glad to finally be getting this part out, to admit everything to her. “I still don’t. You seemed as though you had it under control. You stepped right up and took care of her without so much as a second thought.”
“Because I had to!” she shouted, still angry with me. “You left me no choice!”
“You didn’t complain though. You acted like you had everything under control, same as always!”
“Did you ever ask? Did you ever think I was faking it?” She shook her head, and shifted her gaze from me as though she couldn’t bear to look at me anymore. “I was as scared as you were in the beginning. God, Char, the way she acts sometimes still scares me, but I can’t let it get the best of me. I had to be strong because my mom needed me to, and because my baby sister needed me to even more.”
I blinked. “What?”
All anger I had toward her evaporated. It was gone in the span of a heartbeat at her admission.
“I’m not as composed and accepting of everything as you think. Not with Mom.” She sighed. “And not with all this, as you can tell. I’m at my breaking point, Char. I can’t handle this. It’s too much. Mom was enough, but now this? How am I supposed to go through life like this?” Tears tracked down her cheeks. She looked at me, her hazel eyes brimming with pain. It scared me.
“You have to.” My words were hesitant, soft, and full of emotion. I felt as though I was begging my sister to keep going, like I was pleading for her to continue with life. I couldn’t stand seeing her so broken by her circumstances any longer.
“Easy for you to say. You’re not the one bound to roll yourself along for the rest of your life in a damn chair. I’ll never be able to walk again, never be able to stand up to put on pants, and I’ll never be able to drive my stupid car.”
“Stop.” I didn’t want to hear all the things she couldn’t do. I wanted her to focus on being here, on being alive and breathing. That was what the old Emma would have done. She would have been grateful she had survived the accident. Period. “Stop looking at all the things you can’t do. Focus on what you can.”
“No.” She shook her head. “Don’t twist this on me. If you get to vent, then so do I.”
I looked away from her, unable to bare the emotions reflected in her eyes. They terrified me. “It’s not venting to you. It’s something else. It’s wallowing. You’re torturing yourself with what happened.”