“This is really good, Charlotte,” Casey muttered around a mouthful of fish. She had been my sister’s friend the longest. I had always liked Casey. She was sweet and sort of shy. Not one for loads of drama.
“I could eat this every day,” Melissa boasted. While Emma and Melissa hadn’t been friends as long as she and Casey had, you couldn’t tell. The three of them were thick as thieves.
“Thank you.” I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Anyone need anything else?” My eyes darted around the table to their drinks, making sure they were full. While I had been a bit leery of offering alcoholic beverages, because I feared Emma might fall down the hole of depression even more after a few sips, I was now relieved I had. They seemed to be the ice breaker and helped to keep the conversation flowing between the three of them without any awkward moments.
“I think we’re all okay,” Emma answered. She picked up her glass, and took a sip of her drink. “Aren’t you eating?”
“I did. Earlier.”
“Then why don’t you grab a drink, and sit down with us?” Melissa suggested.
It was tempting, but I wanted this to be their night. Emma needed her friends, and while the conversation hadn’t floated to anything about the accident or her wheelchair-bound future, I wasn’t sure it wouldn’t come up. I didn’t want to be here for it if it did. Unlike her friends, I didn’t want to know the gory details about how it all happened, and what she felt when it came to never being able to have kids. She needed her friends right now, not her sister.
“I think I’m going to make a big pitcher of the blueberry drink for you ladies, since that seems to be the favorite, and mosey on out of here for a little while.”
“Suit yourself,” Melissa muttered around another bite of fish. “This is fantastic, by the way.”
“Thank you.” I laughed as I made my way back to the kitchen.
I grabbed a large glass pitcher from in a cabinet, and squished blueberries and rosemary sprigs together in the bottom. My mind replayed the bits of praise from Emma and her friends for the meal. I was ecstatic and so proud of myself, until I remembered how Dawson had helped. My thoughts drifted back to our near kiss, and a wave of nausea engulfed me. I needed to make sure nothing like that ever happened again. No matter how much I wanted it to.
After I finished making another pitcher of drinks, I searched the cabinets for something I could pour a little of it in for myself. A blue water bottle caught my eye. It would work. I filled it to the rim with the drink, and then screwed the cap on. I rummaged through the Tupperware cabinet next, until I found something that could store a little dip and some sweet potato chips. Next I made up a container of the salad and placed a clean fork on top. A picnic by myself at the dock sounded amazing. If I hurried, I’d be able to swim for a little while before eating while watching the sunset. The weather was growing cooler now that October was nearing, but today had been fairly warm for this time of the year.
I hustled to my room and changed into my bathing suit. Laughter streamed from the dining room; it was Emma. My feet paused in the hall to listen. It had been too long since I’d heard her laugh. Warmth filled my stomach and spread outward. Tonight had been exactly what I wanted for her. It had also been what I wanted from her—to come to life again. I crept toward that kitchen, and gathered my picnic supplies into a grocery sack before exiting the house through the back door.
I savored the stillness of the woods as I made my way through them. It calmed my mind and soul. There was something peaceful about being surrounded by tall trees. It had always made me feel as though I were hiding from the world, taking a time out from life. This walk, topped with time at the lake, would be the perfect way to end this day.
I gripped the grocery bag in my hand tighter as the dock came into view. A tiny hope that Dawson would be in the water bloomed through my chest. He wasn’t. It was for the best. He was the last person I needed to see right now.
Once I reached the wooden planks of the dock, I slipped off my sandals, and set the plastic grocery bag down. I started toward the edge of the dock, ready to feel the water against my skin, and slipped the cardigan I’d worn and my sundress off. The lingering warmth from the sun caressed my skin. It would be gone soon, replaced by the crisp chilliness that came with fall. This was most likely the final surge of warmth for Parish Cove before winter set in.
I closed my eyes, soaking in the moment. The scent of the water and my sunblock mixed in the air around me, reminding me of summer. I was glad to be back here. It was the first time the thought had crossed my mind, but I had actually missed Parish Cove. Just a little.
Without hesitating, I jumped off the dock and dove into the lake headfirst. The water was cooler than I thought it would be, but my body adjusted quickly. I had missed swimming. I had missed being in this lake. God, there were so many things I once enjoyed that I didn’t think twice about after I moved into the dorms at Bradley. This was one of them.
I twisted until I was lying on my back, floating in the water. Weightless. My gaze shifted to the sky above me. Color now streaked through it where there had been nothing besides blue seconds ago. While I had always been amazed by the colors of the sunrise, I enjoyed sunsets the most. The colors seemed deeper, darker, and more vivid. I loved the way the orange and yellows seemed to explode across the horizon as though the day had carried too much for the sun, and he couldn’t hold it all in anymore. His feelings and thoughts, his memories of the day leaked from him, and trickled across the sky in an endless stream of color. He melted. Broke down until the morning where he would again become something new, something full, and whole, ready to take on the new day.
The significance of this thought triggered something in me.
I wasn’t sure where the epiphany of the sun and sunset had come from, but I knew without a doubt I could relate to it wholeheartedly. My life had been insane since Emma’s accident. Each day was filled to the brim with sadness, pain, heartache, and exhaustion. Each night, like the sun, I finally busted, unable to contain it all any longer. The darkness of my thoughts spread through my body, tugging me down toward the bottom of the lake. I gave up on trying to stay afloat, and gave in to the pull of the darkness.
Emma would never walk again. She would never be able to have children. She would always need someone’s help, even if she wouldn’t admit it, and she had become a shell of her former self.
Mom was in a nursing home. She hardly remembered her name, and she had tried to escape from Sunny Brook once already. They had found her wandering in the parking lot, searching for her car. Now she wore a bracelet that triggered an alarm anytime she slipped through their doors. Basically, we had sent our mother to a pretty jail dressed up in the disguise of a nursing home to die. She wouldn’t be coming back. People didn’t come back from Alzheimer’s. The disease picked away at them until there was nothing left, and when it was finished, the person passed on. I understood this now, even though I couldn’t fully accept it.
I sank farther into the water, letting the distance between the top of my head and the surface grow as I wondered how far I could sink before my lungs craved more air. My long hair snaked around my arms as I let them lift above my head during my decent. Tightness constricted my chest seconds later. Apparently, I couldn’t go far. Stubbornly, I waited a few heartbeats, urging my lungs to give me more time. I needed more time in this weightless state where I was free to think and feel whatever darkness crossed my mind.
Until it burned. That was how long I stayed submerged under the water. When I finally broke the surface of the lake, my lungs pulled in greedy breaths of air while my eyes focused on a pair of hairy man legs hanging from the dock.
“Finally. I was about to jump in and drag you out.” Dawson’s voice was clipped and heavy with worry. “What were you doing? Trying to drown yourself?”