It was late, around ten. The sun had long since left the sky, giving way to the brightness of the moon. There was a slight chill to the air, but it didn’t bother me. I walked through the grass toward the bench by the fire pit. Someone had mowed. I was sure it was Dawson. He seemed to look for things to do, projects to busy himself with. It probably helped with the pain of all he had lost in such a short time. I wondered what I would busy myself with now that Emma was gone.
Once I situated myself on the bench, I set my cup down, and popped the cork out of the wine bottle to pour myself a glass. After a few sips of the sugary sweetness, I stared at the house backlit by the moon. Even with the kitchen and living room lights on, it still looked gloomy and vacant. It had felt off when Mom went to Sunny Brook, but now there was a darker level of hollowness added to it.
I couldn’t stay here.
The realization slammed me in the gut as the desire to be anywhere besides here burst through me. Tears pricked my eyes, and I wondered if when I left if I would ever be able to return. My lungs constricted as tears pushed themselves free. I wanted to be able to come back; this was my home, but now it held too much heartache.
“What am I supposed to do now, Em?” I sobbed into the night. “How am I supposed to bounce back from this?”
She didn’t answer.
I knew she wouldn’t, but there was still hope burning inside of me that somehow she would. There were stories of people’s loved ones giving them a sign, or reaching out to them from the beyond. Why couldn’t Emma do something like that for me?
“Say something, Em,” I whispered, pleading with her.
Nothing.
I wouldn’t get an answer. She was gone. Maybe one day I would be able to accept that, but not today. Today I would only continue to mourn her. Tears tracked down my cheeks as though I were grieving her for the first time.
“Can I sit with you?” Sadie was standing a few feet away. There was a blanket in one hand and another one of the cheap purple wineglasses in the other. She wiggled the wineglass in the air when she noticed I was looking at it. “And have a drink?”
I wiped my nose on the back of my hand. “Sure.”
“I’m so sorry, Char.” She sat beside me, draped the blanket over us, and pulled me into her arms. She was warm. The scent of her fruity perfume suffocated me, but having someone hold me that wouldn’t cause spasms of guilt to ricochet through my body was exactly what I needed. I was so glad Sadie was here. “We’ll get through this, I promise.”
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.” A sob punctuated my sentence with my pain.
Lost. If I could describe myself in one word, it wouldn’t be devastated or shattered—it would be lost. Without Emma here to tell me what to do, to hold me accountable when I screwed up, and give me random bits of encouragement when I needed them most, I was lost.
“You’re supposed to continue on. One foot in front of the other.” Sadie sniffled. “Emma would have wanted you to, sweetie.”
“How long will it take before I can?” New guilt washed over me as I worried the question seemed selfish and insensitive, something Emma always made me feel about myself. It was funny how even after she was gone those feelings could still be there.
Sadie released me and shifted until she was looking into my eyes. “I can’t answer that for you, sugar, only you can.” She reached for the wine, and poured herself a glass before topping mine off.
A heavy silence built around us. Sadie slipped her hand in mine, and gave it a gentle squeeze as she sipped her wine.
After a few moments, I wiped my tears away, and pulled in a deep breath. “I’m glad you came.”
“I told you I would.” Sadie grinned. “Even though you probably told me a million times not to. You had to know I wouldn’t listen to you though.”
A chuckle slipped free. “You never do.”
“Damn right.” She lifted her glass in the air as though she were giving a toast.
I lifted mine as well, and then took a sip. A heavy sigh burst past my lips as I shifted my stare to the house. The same silence seemed to find us again.
“What are you gonna do with it?” Sadie broke it after a few minutes. Her gaze was locked on the house.
“I don’t know. I can’t stay here though. Not now.” It was like a museum of hurt and pain with suffocating memories around every corner.
“You could always come back to the dorms with me.” Hope hung in her words.
“I don’t know if school is the best place for me right now.”
“A distraction might do you some good.” Sadie folded one of her legs beneath her, and shifted to sit straighter, pulling a corner of the blanket up over her shoulder. “Something to focus on.”
Her words hit me wrong. I knew she wasn’t trying to seem insensitive, but I couldn’t help feeling as though she was, even though I had thought something similar earlier. “That’s not what I want. I don’t want to distract myself from what I feel.” Suddenly, I knew that wouldn’t be the way to go. I didn’t want to act as though nothing had happened, as though Emma hadn’t decided to end her life.
“You’re right. That might not be the healthiest way to go about everything.” She took a sip of her wine. “I just miss you is all.”
“I miss you too.” I did. I missed my entire life from before. This after scared me.
My cell rang. The sound of it startled us both. I pulled it from my pocket and stared at the screen. It was a number I hadn’t seen in months.
“Who is it?” Sadie asked.
“Will.” My thumb hovered over the answer symbol. I hadn’t heard from him since the night I ran into him at the bar and met Candace. “I don’t know what he could want.”
“Maybe someone mentioned to him about your loss.” There was a strange tone in her words. It made me question whether she had called him. I glanced at her, but she wouldn’t meet my gaze. “Answer it,” she insisted.
I did. “Hello?”
“Char, hey.” A sigh of relief mingled within my name when he spoke. “I didn’t think I would be able to get a hold of you.” The sound of his voice was oddly comforting. I hadn’t realized how much I missed him until that moment.
“Hi.” My teeth sank into my bottom lip as I waited for him to reveal the point of his call.
“I heard about Emma.” His tone changed. It wasn’t breathy, or filled with sympathy. It was steady and strong. I needed steady and strong. I didn’t want to cry on the phone with Will. “I wanted to call and see how you were doing. Offer my condolences.”
“I’m okay.” Was I? No, definitely not. I was as far from okay as could be, but he didn’t need to know the details.
“Really?” he called me out. It was one of the things I had liked best about him; the way he could always see through me.
“I’m trying to be,” I admitted.
Sadie placed a hand on my knee. “I’m gonna head inside and wash the dishes.”
“Okay, thanks.” I nodded to her.
“Was that Sadie?” Will asked.
“Yeah.”
“She’s a really good friend. I’m glad she’s there with you.” He paused for a second. “Actually, she was the one who called to tell me what happened.”
I knew it. I figured Sadie was behind his call. “Really?”
“Yeah. I’m glad she did, but I can’t help but wonder why you didn’t call me yourself?”