They were not free people.
They were not sufficiently self-disciplined; they could not provide an acceptable framework for a base emotion.
She despised them.
The three despised women, however, were busy wondering whether Elisa’s behavior truly left Mária Szapáry cold.
She seemed neither interested in nor touched by it, but merely to be waiting for the cards to be dealt.
The mutual anger lasted into the next day. After their friends left Mária severely reproached Elisa, though by then she had managed to calm herself down; she knew, idiot that she was, that she’d forgive Elisa. And that Elisa would throw a fit, slap at things, cry, rave and rant. I always forgive, she said to herself, as if hypnotizing herself to forgive, yes, forgive her, but it was becoming harder and harder to force forgiveness out of herself.
There will come a moment when the accumulated pardons will keep her from any further forgiveness.
She will kill her and then herself. But she laughed to herself about this, remembering she had another choice.
She could go to confession.
The question was whether to kill first and then confess or the other way around.
To confess and then not kill.
They all had a way of covering one illusion with another; a tiny bit of reality would show through only when they had lost their way among the illusions or failed to hide themselves in time behind another illusion.
Informed of Her Own Existence
I did feel it on my back.
They had been watching me, flaring up now here, now there with their cigarettes under the blooming trees. There might have been four of them altogether, maybe more.
I did not recognize them, though the older one might have been among them, the marvelous giant with his mustached assistant. Sometimes they pretended not to belong to each other. The older one is very excited in his gingham shirt that’s too small for his chest and his dark-blue, much-laundered overalls. When I walked past him, something exceptional emanated from him along with the strong odor of his sweat.
It reminded me most of hot tar.
They stood quite far apart from each other but about the same distance into the flowering grove.
From where they could see the wide promenade on the riverbank, who came or went on it, but where the darkness kept their figures incognito. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t identify any of them. Something showed of their shirts, but the greens, yellows, and blacks of his shirt’s little squares I could of course only hope to see; this marvelous man had disappeared. There were those who always returned to the same places, like me, and others who appeared only once and then disappeared for good.
From the depths of the foliage’s shadows, strangers called out with the flaring embers of their cigarettes.
The night whispered with light breezes; the water made bubbly sounds on the stones.
What I understood of this was that they were intentionally revealing their presence with their cigarettes.
As if they were saying, pay attention to me, I am watching you, and at the same time they were competing with each other, watch me, I’m here. With their insistent glances they almost reached across the promenade, I almost understood their words on my body. More correctly, they weren’t talking to or reaching for just anybody above the jasmines, not at all. First, for a long time they observed everything from behind the mask of darkness, and when they finally selected someone, they took a brief drag on a cigarette. I’m here for you, that’s what that means. I’m waiting for you, come to me.
And if the other one replied to this signal with a signal of his own, then they took a longer, deeper puff, with which they prolonged the duration of the embers’ flaring and their faces glowed a little, and thus they strengthened the alluring promise of their devotion and fervent wishes.
These four, under the trees there, probably couldn’t even see one another’s silhouettess. The jasmine along the promenade covered lots of things; maybe they could see one another with their embers hovering above the white budding bushes. They took care, or so it seemed, not to signal simultaneously, to be understood each in his own language. One would make his cigarette flare up for me very briefly, another would do it rhythmically or lazily, or maybe in a more leisurely way. It was flattering to know that four of them were courting me at the same time. Because of that leisurely signal, I thought the older man was among them in his awful checkered gingham shirt that somehow looked good on him.
It’s possible that the cigarette flares signaled something whose meaning I did not grasp. If they hid the embers in the palms of their hands, that meant they weren’t interested in contact. Get lost. In which case their mute signals had an offensive edge. Scram, skedaddle. Something that made a person stay away in his other life too. You’re ugly was the verdict.
What are you bothering me for with your puny prick.
Don’t spoil the air around me.
I’ll keep my secrets for somebody else.
I myself would never have risked smoking, because even the act of lighting up has a heavy meaning. Not even in my nervousness dared I light up, no matter how much I wanted the heat of the bitter smoke in my mouth and throat, because if I did I’d declare that it wasn’t by chance I was taking it deep into my lungs and heart but because of someone who happened to be watching me from somewhere, and I was watching him too, hungering for him. I did not urinate either, except in secret, and I walked far away from this dangerous place to do it.
Or it would have been like declaring that I’d finally come home, that I was at home among you, and what I wish is that someone, anyone, in any way and at any time will make me his own. Which I could not have declared, least of all to myself. Because it wasn’t true.
Sometimes, someone would stop me in the dark or I’d stop on my own because I saw his bare cock staring at me, and he’d ask in a whisper, what would you like. This was the conventional question. I couldn’t answer it or, if I wanted to be truthful, I would have said, don’t know, nothing.
They had two kinds of answer.
To suck you, they’d say, becoming emotional with excitement and the words melting in their mouths, or, for you to suck me, they would say, disinterestedly and dryly; and one kind of man, with the first answer, could not be mistaken for another with the second answer. Everyone dreaded rejection even though it was unavoidable. Very cautiously, they would say, if you want to, I’ll make an exception with you and let you put it in me. Or they said, if you love it so much, I’ll put it in you.
Or they said hoarsely, reaching in between each other’s legs, we’ll do everything, everything.
I could not have accepted this; thinking reasonably, I could not accept that contact between humans ultimately boiled down to a series of such primitive movements and crude gestures which I saw with my own eyes. But there was no doubt about the credibility of their actions. I could not take my eyes off them. I spied on them, I followed them, and because of them I became like a soft cat’s paw. The more hair-raising the sight, the more eager I became for newer and newer surprises.
I could not gauge the boundaries in the darkness.
It surprised me and filled me with abhorrence that middle-aged or older men almost without exception right away pursued me, followed me; it meant they must have found something attractive in me. These men with their dark faces, incredible outfits, and richly tattooed bodies were criminals thirsting for tenderness; there was one whose curly chest hair pierced through his purple lace shirt; there were superannuated sportsmen with still-trim figures, and sickly government clerks with their briefcases, who found no place to put the Panama hats they wore with their summer suits; you might also see some old-fashioned forever-finicky dandies ceaselessly pampering themselves, bursting with the sour dread of their loneliness, sporting heavy gold chains on their sunbaked skin and huge signet rings on their fingers; or burly, balding tradesmen in sweat-stained shirts worn outside their pants, their brand-new welted shoes creaking painfully, their faces prettified with thin mustaches and their heads with frizzled remnants of hair; there were also bums reeking of alcohol and tobacco, and aging catamites; and once, an army colonel showed up in his parade uniform replete with gold braiding; he stood among the ruins stinking with urine, indifferent to everything and everybody, his briefcase at his feet and his cock fully erect, marveled at by a veritable procession of admirers, many of whom took several turns because he let anyone hold it or suck it for a while, but he, rooted firmly to his spot with his red-striped pants lowered to his ankles, neither budged from his briefcase nor answered questions addressed to him by anyone about anything, and he did not seem to enjoy what was happening.