While the adults, individually and together, kept on saying what they had to say, interrupting one another, knocking down another’s words as soon as they were uttered. Baroness Thum was the loudest; the children feared her the most. She was now profoundly ashamed of Countess Auenberg’s provocative behavior, and she was ready to burst with her own multilayered jealousy. But they were all talking past one another, above one another’s words, increasing the cacophony, even though they knew they should listen to the end of what anyone else was saying, which, in fact, they heard very well. Baroness Thum had to calm herself down. And Siegfried turned more and more pale with his concentrated attention; he was the only one who did not open his beautifully shaped mouth.
He was an exceptionally anemic, pale little boy who frequently fainted, which made his father even more dissatisfied with him.
He was too pretty for a boy; adults looked at him with a certain aversion or uncertainty. He was actually waiting for his little sister to kick him under the table, deliberately or by accident, which would release their accumulated pent-up desire to become unruly. He longed for a little pain, a small clandestine punishment that would allow him to let loose with the aggression he had kept in check.
Whenever he passed out, they threw cold water on him, slapped him in the face, put him in the bathtub all dressed and turned the cold shower on him. For days after the slaps his father coldly gave him, his jaw would feel dislocated and he would find speaking difficult. In vain he promised never to faint again. In his heart he did not blame his father for the strict preventive measures he took, because he knew, oddly, that his father knew what a devastating fate awaited him, his son, even if everything were done for him or against him.
He admired his father and regularly spied on him when he went to urinate.
He looked up to his wonderful father as to someone who had once managed to avoid such a fate, with the aid of great self-discipline.
As if the two of them knew everything about each other.
His father had a marvelous fate; everyone respected and admired him. And he secretly wanted to acquire his father’s habits to avoid the impending danger. Although he did not think he could possibly follow in the footsteps of such a wonderful man. He worshipped his powerful father so much that when his unsuspecting father left the toilet, he would sneak in, lock the door, and, bending over the bowl, inhale the smell of the urine; he was ecstatic, the smell of his excrement, oh, the odor of every little remnant and excretion of his; he was put out if he could not indulge himself in anything of his father’s. And to sniff his father’s soiled shirts and underpants in the hamper, because there too he fancied he could smell his urine.
He had no way of knowing how tactful and intimately considerate his father was toward his mother, an exemplary mother and wife. She did not quite like the Saturday-night interludes, and therefore in the second year of their marriage, after she was finished with the confinement following Siegfried’s birth, Schuer decided he’d do it for her only once a week, not to burden her too much.
One cannot say it wasn’t difficult for him, but in truth he never did it the way he really wanted to, so it was no great sacrifice.
And thus, in the late afternoon or evening of almost every Wednesday, while staring at the smooth white wall, his lips parted and eyes half-closed to evoke the carefully selected and by now well-worn memories of the wartime barracks — in which not copulating men and women but their limbs and sexual organs played leading roles, images far removed from what he would have realistically desired from his wife but allowing him to enjoy a second weekly occasion, in Luther’s name, so that he would not be neurotic and irritable with his wife or co-workers — he quickly satisfied himself.
They could not have known that when the little boy stumbled out of the toilet, he fainted because of his enormous love for his father.
If she kicks me again I’ll pinch her mercilessly.
A dangerous emotion was urging the little boy against Sieglinde, who could not have known what dangerous thoughts were occurring to her powerful father because of that woman. But perhaps she did sense something dangerous about her, and sense that her father’s thoughts were for his family. Not to mention that the young woman’s fragrance, the unusual colors and lines of her clothes, inclined her to a special predisposition toward a wide, elegant great world of whose existence she was otherwise unaware.
They could not have known that the way of the world was changing around them; the reckoning of time was about to be jolted, and they would be jolted too, even if they had known of the impending change ahead of time.
In fact, the powerful and wonderful father apparently did nothing but, as it were, display his knowledge to the high-ranking foreign lady and elaborate on his scientific plans. He himself could not have said whether with his oft-repeated words he was trying to conceal the emotional turmoil taxing his entire body and soul, or, the other way around, he was releasing all his emotions so as to court the elegant woman vehemently, to lure her into his scientific plans so that later on he could make use of her influence. Suddenly he did not understand how, in the midst of explaining his scientific concepts, his judgment and thinking could slip so out of control. When and how had he strayed into such a delicate biographical subject, what could have deflected him, to speak of something he should not mention. He had not spoken of it with anyone for twenty years; and when he was supposed to report on the events he had witnessed to the freshly appointed district attorney of the republic, he had lied brazenly, not out of necessity, but with his head held high because that was what comradeship demanded.
As if he were standing naked before the young woman with all his moral burdens. He wanted something important from her, though he could not tell what might be more valuable than his work and good name. He slid back twenty years because of the young woman, because of her he became lost in his own biography, and despite his power and reputation and scientific knowledge he could not have told at this moment who he would become, what person, who might start his life anew.
How, in what system or order, does one formulate a sentence in oneself; he did not know.
Who does she see in him, this young woman who should have nothing but contempt for him, if she knew who he was.
One speaks first, and only then realizes what one wanted to say.
This, however, happens in an instant, like slipping or tripping.
I’d be unworthy of such a woman, he thought, and looked at her innocent delicate limbs, even though he believed he feared her.
But then he can’t know who it was who’d been talking from his body and through his mouth, or who the person was who, in advance, saw through his plans that could not be put into words.
He did not say aloud that there wasn’t a word of truth in anything he’d said though there were many true things in it; the temptation to say this was great, but this is something one can only desire and cannot come near doing.
Please, do not be so gullible about me, he wanted to warn her, to protect her from himself.
Which made him see her more clearly, because, after all, he had deprived himself of her possible effect on him. Your respect feels good, even though I know you wish to flatter me with it; still, I accept it because I melted, I have been melting in your presence. But please, do not forget for a moment what a laughable character I am, even in my own eyes. I am not a trickster, you don’t have to worry about that, I am a clever scientific official, which is no mean thing, but without significant scientific achievements, though I’ve yearned for them all my life. He became very sentimental about himself. Perhaps I shall achieve something significant yet. This woman should be a queen, who would keep her from it, it must happen.