If I’m doing something you don’t like, let me up, replied the man, who didn’t understand what was going on and would have liked to shove her off. If it’s all the same to you, find somebody else, and right away too. Or let’s see what you can do on your own.
A little while ago you wouldn’t let me talk. But this is what I wanted to tell you.
I prefer watching it to listening to it.
She did not respond. Unlike their aroused emotions and urge to quarrel, their loins remained indifferent. And it had never occurred to her to touch herself while a man was watching. Things like that were among her most closely guarded secrets, and she was about to share one with him. And she had never before talked, or been talked to, in the midst of lovemaking, about anything. Suddenly she was gripped by the unexpected realization that for hours, for days, or for who knows how long they’d been talking while making love without her truly noticing it. She didn’t understand herself or the situation; she had no idea who this other person was with whom everything became so distorted and transformed. It seemed impossible that everything could be so different. She thought it was positively repulsive.
She rose along with him, as if fleeing, wanting at the same time to lean over him. And while she sucked his nipple again and cautiously bit its hardened tip, she very lightly drew her vagina across the head of his penis. She was being careful that the man should feel nothing of what was coursing through her own body, the many unsettling thoughts, the alternating hot and cold excitement in her back and thigh muscles. Still, she gave the man the impression that she was bidding farewell to him gently and discreetly. At the same time, he couldn’t possibly penetrate her more deeply or fiercely; alarmed, he realized there was nothing he could do. He wanted to catch up with her; she mustn’t go away. Now he wanted to cause pain. With his entire body, with his hips, with the huge raised and contracted muscles of his buttocks, he jerked, convulsed, and thrust himself into her several times in succession. Several decades of fear and anxiety would have been concentrated in these spasms if the pleasure of violence had not dissolved them. And the woman understood this, precisely: he found himself very close to the moment when standing on the sunny steps at the boarding school he had called after his father, begging him not to leave him there alone. Because she felt the importance of that moment, she did not allow the man’s violent thrusts to enter her. She sensed unerringly the peaks of his unassimilated torments, the heights he aspired to, his frustrated desires. And as if propelling herself up from the familiar depths of sunshine-illuminated water, with her taut body spanning the distance between the riverbed and the faraway surface, she found, among her own images, a simile for what she felt emanating from the man. With a ready-to-bounce straddle above him, she was protecting him, giving him a home, and opening an umbrella over him, but when the man approached she moved away; if he wanted to withdraw she lowered herself on him a little, but never sat completely into him.
Ágost grasped her waist with both his hands roughly to yank her back.
I don’t want to force you, don’t make me, he hissed.
If you’re not going to say it, don’t expect anything.
You mean anything good.
That’s right, nothing good.
We can check who has more power over the other. Who’s stronger.
That’s all we need.
For a fraction of a second they looked at each other as enemies. In this look, the woman was stronger; no doubt about it. Which revealed many things both retroactively and in advance. And this sensation destroyed many illusions, bringing them crashing down from their heights, yet everything was made lighter by the prevailing state of swoonlike unconsciousness. Still they wrestled, as if fighting for their lives. Their bodies were pervaded by the trembling and pulsing of the earth’s bowels, which slowly began to shake the house, the air, the walls, windowpanes, bed, vibrating above their skin and throbbing painfully in their eardrums. They both unleashed their forces: their wounded pride, their loneliness, all the offenses suffered and everything that during four days had accumulated like waste in their muscles and strained their nerves; like dogs, they set on each other in their mutual admiration, but this had nothing to do with fighting.
Devour it all, if you still can.
Their beastliness opened up new liberating and unknown layers of pleasure. And a huge open throat was approaching them, gaping and belching, infernally rattling, coming from far away with an even, continuous clatter, a persistent hum.
It will swallow them. Gyöngyvér knew the noise well, which Ágost could not have known.
Still, in this situation she found herself unprepared. As if, with its terrifying teeth, it were crawling out of the deepest bottom of the night now covering the entire world. An infernal signal to which she had paid no heed until now. A heavenly signal. Their limbs and other parts were merging and submerging in one another. With their tongues, wide-open lips, teeth, and gums they were inching forward in each other and they not only searched but also found, yet couldn’t say just what.
The major bombardments during the siege of Budapest fortunately spared the buildings of Újlipótváros, there were hardly any direct artillery hits in the area, though during the intense street fighting the building fronts with their balconies, loggias, and conservatories did suffer some damage.*
Now, in the light of streetlamps, shaded by the foliage of large trees, the many small marks of the damage could not be seen.
Mrs. Szemző enjoyed the familiar summer fragrances and could see the scene as if she were walking through it twenty-five years before. Friendly lights shone in the windows. At this hour, traffic was still busy here. Around open entrance gates youngsters were idling, couples were strolling hand in hand, or were just returning from Margit Island with their noisy children armed with scooters, rubber balls, and small tricycles. Gyöngyvér had erred somewhat, it was just past nine o’clock. The number 15 streetcar, which never had more than one car as far as anyone could remember, made its rounds between Váci Road and Lipót Boulevard, which later became Szent István Boulevard. It still made the same loud clatter on the tracks embedded in hard ceramic bricks, and the noise still reverberated between the unadorned, smooth walls of the surrounding buildings.
However, this approaching deep rumble did not come from the passing streetcar.
On the far side of the massive blocks of the Palatinus buildings, built in the teens of the century, somewhere from the direction of Margit Island a tugboat was approaching, and its dreadful noise spread across the water, shaking even the stone-lined riverbed, and filtered through the side streets and between the buildings. Anyone living in this quarter of the city had become used to the noises that came from, passed across, and slowly died away over the river.
In the evening, in this section of the city, people went for walks either down to the river or to window-shop on Lipót Boulevard. Mrs. Szemző did not mind having missed the streetcar. She often crossed the bridge to Buda, went along the chestnut-tree-lined Margit dock, and made her way back on the Lánc Bridge. In the evenings, she usually took a leisurely walk to Szent István Park nearby, where one of her friends, like herself, had had a large apartment since the mid-1930s. She took the streetcar only if it rained. Back in those ancient days, their company would meet once a week in Mária Szapáry’s eighth-floor apartment; after the war they met more often and since the 1956 revolution almost every evening, except when they went to a concert or the opera, together or separately, but never fewer than four times a week. The concierge had warned them, bickering with them every early morning, that begging the countess’s pardon, but he wasn’t willing to go on with this gate-opening at the crack of dawn, and he would report to the housing authority that he wouldn’t go on with it. This was considered a rather serious threat, but they enjoyed the fact that no one could tell them what to do anymore, not even the concierge, or at least that his complaint would result in nothing because those days were over or perhaps soon would be over.