"No, no," she said, trying frantically to scramble away from him, to get his finger out of her, "it's far too late for any trust. This isn't going to be nice, it's going to be bad. That's just your finger, Thomas. I held you between my hands. You are much more than just one of your fingers, and that's what you're going to do, isn't it? You're going to stick yourself inside me."
He managed a "yes." It was bad? What he was going to do to her was bad? He eased his finger a bit deeper, then stopped. Oh God, he wanted her so much he ached to his feet, and she was claiming his damned finger was bad? He wanted her this very instant, and by God, he wasn't going to wait. He just couldn't. He came over her, his eyes on himself and on her, and came slowly inside her. Slowly, he moved forward. She was stiffer than a board. Her hands were fisted at her sides. Well, damn. He went just a bit more, felt her maidenhead.
"Meggie."
He looked down at her, really looked at her despite feeling like he would explode inside her at any instant, and this time he looked into those bright blue eyes of hers. Seemingly so guileless, those blue eyes of hers, filled with openness, no shadows lurking about anywhere at all in the depths of those eyes, but he knew it for a lie, a lie that had cut him to his knees, just hours before, but there was no going back. He hated her at that moment because of her goodness, because of her damned sense of honor, because of her betrayal. He hated the man she obviously still adored, hated that she adored him, and not her husband. She shouldn't have led him on, shouldn't have made him want her so quickly, so effortlessly, made him want to marry her. The fact was, she was betraying him in her heart and it was their wedding night. Was she thinking of him even as he pushed into her? He saw Jeremy's face, heard Meggie's voice. It all mixed with his lust and he butted her maidenhead. She yelled, struggling beneath him, trying to throw him off, but unable to. He paused for just an instant when he butted against her maidenhead.
"Thomas, no!"
She'd forced him into a life of lies. He looked into her eyes as he yelled his pain, his fury, his lust, and pushed through her maidenhead.
Meggie didn't have the breath to yell again or to curse or the will to move. It was very simple, really. She knew he'd killed her, a body couldn't continue after what he'd done. She realized that she'd been told a very big lie. Surely a man didn't treat a woman like this if he loved her, surely. But then again Thomas had never said he loved her.
He suddenly stopped cold, and he was staring down at her again, looking right into her eyes, and he seemed to be fighting with himself about something she couldn't begin to understand. He said, "No, I can't do this. Not with you feeling the way you do. I can't, just can't." And he moaned, deep in his throat even as he jerked out of her, came to his knees, stiffened, and climaxed. Then he hung there, his head bowed.
Meggie hurt inside, he'd made her bleed, she just knew it, and then he'd left her, rejected her. She yelled now, but not with pain, it wasn't all that bad now, truth be told, but she yelled at the top of her lungs with resentment, with rage that she'd actually been excited, actually anticipated this lovemaking business, and just look what he'd done-he'd hurt her, then left her. A man wasn't supposed to do that, was he?
He was breathing hard, his head bowed, and he'd not wanted to stay with her. And now she'd bleed. She should have demanded to know about the bleeding business before she'd even let him unfasten all those nice safe buttons on her gown. But no, she was an idiot, she'd trusted him, and now he was on his knees between her legs, heaving, looking at if he were dying. It was as if a sort of cataclysm had racked him all the way to the soles of his wretched feet.
He looked up at her then, and she saw that his jaw was locked, his eyes glazed, and all of him was pulsing madly. His seed was on himself, on the sheet, on her belly. It was an overwhelming upheaval that she couldn't begin to understand, really didn't want to understand, but she did know one thing for certain-he was a liar. It was obvious he knew very little about this lovemaking business.
She hurt really badly. She hated what he'd done to her and wanted to hurl him out of the window. And what had he meant that he couldn't do it? Do what? Stay inside her? What was he talking about?
She didn't care. Then he stopped his quivering, his shuddering, and just hung there over her, not breathing quite so hard now, his eyes closed, saying nothing, doing nothing.
She said loudly, right up into his face, "You shouldn't have done what you did. It wasn't right. You hurt me and then you just came out of me. I am going to kill you."
Chapter 15
THOMAS COULDN'T THINK, just couldn't gather his wits together. He'd managed to come out of her, he'd actually managed to make his body obey his will, and he hated it.
Suddenly Meggie lurched up and bit his shoulder as hard as she could. She hoped she'd make him bleed.
That brought him back to his brain and miserable body. He managed to straighten. He blinked at her. "My God," he said slowly, disbelieving, "you bit me."
"Yes, you hurt me."
"It happened." She'd actually bit him. He'd come out of her, not his fault, he'd simply had to. Well, for the moment, he didn't give a damn about her feelings, about that damnable Jeremy. He wanted to punish her for what she'd done to him. He came down hard over her and went inside her again just as she yelled, "Don't you dare have the nerve to hurt me more, you bastard."
Then she shuddered.
He felt her muscles clenching around him, he was deep inside her, it was driving him mad, and this time, the rage banked, the desire to punish, to gain revenge on her both for what she'd done and hadn't done, fell to his own need, his own wild urgency and that was more powerful than anything else. He pushed again. "Oh God," he said, panting until he thought his heart would burst from his chest, "I don't want this. Damnation. This will kill me."
"Probably not, you clod. Get off me, damn you!" He fell forward, flattened her, kissed her and shoved hard again and again. It was over again in less than a minute. He was heaving and panting, nearly crying because his body felt so very fine-nothing but soul-deep satisfaction and the overwhelming urge to sleep, to forget what he'd just done. Damn him and damn her. At least no one could take her from him now. Damn her honor. He'd been rough with her. He was sorry he'd hurt her, but in the end, she would have to learn that whatever he did, she had no say in it.
He thought about that life-changing conversation between father and daughter he'd overheard in the vicarage gardens not three hours after she'd become his wife. His wife whom he'd wanted to pull behind a shrubbery and kiss her silly, but that hadn't happened. He'd seen her father, taken a step forward to ask if he'd seen Meggie, but then he'd heard her say in a voice stumbling with pain, "I truly didn't want him to speak to me, Papa, but Jeremy believed that since I'd married Thomas, he could now redeem himself because obviously I didn't love him anymore and it bothered him that I believed he was an idiot. Papa, Jeremy is honorable. I should never have believed that wretched act of his. He did it to make me stop loving him, oh God-so noble and I hated him, scorned him."
Her father had held her close and whispered against her hair, "It will be all right. You've got a fine husband. You will come to love him, dearest. You will see."
And Meggie cried against her father's shoulder, and Thomas Malcombe's life, as he'd known it, as he'd anticipated it would be with his new wife, fell into pieces at his feet.
The candle was nearly gutted when he rolled off her onto his back. She was up in an instant, ready to clout him when, her fist hard and ready, ready to strike, he snored. Meggie couldn't believe it, just couldn't. She wanted to kill him for what he had done, damn him a million times more than she'd already damned him.