Keeping hold of her hand, Michael turned to the others. "But why would they grow so long?" Barendts was asking.
Herat shrugged. "A very long organism might be able to trap the electrical current that Colossus pumps through this planet. Maybe that's their alternative to photosynthesis."
"What's happening?" asked Michael. There was nothing visible below them except darkness. Above, ice moved past at what looked like a walking pace. Some of the long threadlike things he'd seen earlier were passing by; they seemed to be undulating under their own power.
"We're caught in a current," said Herat. "It's probably one of the thermals that circulates between the exposed ocean and the far side of the planet. The sub's working fine and has plenty of power and life support left. We just don't have control."
"So we're headed for the coldest spot on Oculus," said Michael.
"It's not as bad as it seems," said Herat. The laser burn on his arm seemed to be healing; he was alert and in no apparent pain. "Remember, there are cities down here. At places where the glacial ice is thinner— higher above us— there's giant caverns, much bigger than the autotroph compound. With luck we'll drift past one of those."
"And then what?"
Barendts laughed. "Professor Herat spotted something we'd overlooked." He pointed through the diamond window.
Michael could dimly make out some of the sub's manipulator arms. They were mostly out of sight below his feet and were silhouetted by the floodlamps in front of them. One arm appeared to be holding something.
"See it?" asked Herat. "No? Well, it took us a while to figure it out ourselves, but one of those arms snagged the strap of Barendts's laser rifle after he dropped it jumping onto the sub. See it now?"
Now that he knew what he was looking for, Michael could plainly see the shape of the weapon, dangling from one of the larger arms. "What good does that do us?" he asked.
"I'm not sure, but no doubt an opportunity will present itself."
He was too tired to indulge Herat's usual optimism, so he turned back to Rue. "How are you doing?" he asked her gently.
She looked down at him again; she seemed very far away. "I'm good," she said, almost inaudibly.
"You don't look good," he said. She seemed stunned. "Did you take something from the medkit?"
Rue smiled sadly. "No." She stood up, a bit stiffly. Michael had to stand and back up to give her space. "Professor, do sit down," she said.
"Thanks." He plonked himself into the seat she'd vacated and Rue stretched, then went to sit on the edge of one of the cots. Michael sat opposite her.
"I've been thinking," she said listlessly. "I've been very stupid."
"What do you mean? You can't blame yourself for Max's death," he said, reaching out to take her hand.
"It's not that— I mean, I was, I was blaming myself. It's so awful, what happened." She wiped tears away from her eyes with a fist, then opened her fingers to reveal the pendant. "And I was blaming myself. Until… Mike, I met your kami. They told me to stop blaming myself."
Met the kami? The statement was so totally unexpected that for a moment Michael couldn't make sense of it. "How… how did you…"
Rue looked down, seemingly embarrassed. "I went to the local NeoShinto… temple, or whatever, before we met at the docks. They gave me a headset and, uh, while you were sleeping, I borrowed your datapack."
She shrugged awkwardly. "I needed to do something, to take my mind off Max. And I was hurting so much. But I met the kami and I feel… different, now."
He held her hand tightly and fixed his eyes on hers. "Which kami?" he demanded.
"All of them," she said, "but especially the ones from Dis."
Michael felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. He sagged back against the cold wall of the sub. He should have erased that kami long ago. Just thinking about it brought back the sense of hollow emptiness to him. "Oh, Rue," he said. "I'm so sorry."
She chewed on her lip, absently brushing her hair back from her eyes. "Yes, well, I know you would never have pushed me to meet them. You were good that way."
To have lost her cousin and then to have faced the soul-destroying kami of Dis… He was amazed Rue could still function. "I'm sorry," he croaked again.
Now she looked puzzled. "What? Why? I was falling apart, Mike. I miss Max so much and I was blaming myself for his death. Everything looked so dark and pointless, I could have died. Your kami saved me."
"What?"
She nodded. "I saw Dis. It's such a cold and lonely place. But when the kami appeared, I–I disappeared! I became the universe itself, staring down at this one little place in the cosmos. I turned away and Dis disappeared, Rue was gone, and there was only the stars. And, at that moment, I was ancient, so ancient, Mike! Older than humanity, or even this little fellow." She smiled fondly at the galaxy-shaped ediacaran. "All the cares and responsibilities of Rue Cassels seemed infinitely small. And Max… well, he was a part of me then. Max was a part of the universe, a part I loved. I'll mourn and always miss him, but it would just be so self-absorbed of me to blame myself."
Michael started to speak, stopped and finally said, "The kami of Dis showed you that?"
"I've been going like crazy since I left Allemagne," she said quietly. "I couldn't explain why before. Now I know I was running away, all that time. Even going after the Envy, I was running away from having to face myself. I was eager to panic about Crisler, you know to go from crisis to crisis because that meant I could make other people, or just the situation, responsible for what I was doing. Now that I see it, I'm not going to let myself get away with it anymore."
"Rue, you're being unfair to yourself," he said. "You've been a voice of reason all through this expedition. You found out how to control the Envy! You've taken good care of your crew. I think you've acted responsibly all along."
She grimaced. "I did okay. But it was all reacting. Max was the one who planned things. I just went along for the ride. Not anymore, though. Crisler's killed Max. He and that bastard Mallory have a lot to answer for. I'm going to stop them, Mike." Her gaze was level and serious now; the pendant was forgotten in her hand. "We're going to bring them down."
Michael stared at her. This Rue was a person he had never seen before. She had always shown hints of iron strength, in her determination and unwavering focus on her goals. She had been charismatic, before. Now, she seemed unstoppably sure of herself.
She hung the pendant around her neck. "We need to plan what we'll do when we get back," she said. "You're good at politics. Who do you see as the most influential people in the Compact now?"
He started to protest— she must need his comfort, he was sure of it. No one could have faced the kami of Dis and come out intact. And yet it seemed she had.
Seeing her calm alertness, all sense of shock and fear gone, the words died on his lips. He had thought he knew the mind behind her face; now he had to admit he didn't understand her at all. Even if she was wearing a mask over her emotions, it was seamless. She had work to do, it seemed, and nothing was going to dissuade her from it— not even the kami of Dis.
He knew of no way to respond other than to accept the mask for what it appeared to be.
Michael took a deep breath. "First of all," he said, "you need to tell me how your meeting went yesterday afternoon…"
22
ALL THE BAD feelings remained: guilt, grief, a sense of horror at how senselessly life could end. Rue would not let them prevent her from acting, now or ever again.