The air felt a bit chilly and I rubbed my arms. The Guan Yin pendant that I’d laid down on the sofa now seemed to be smiling at me, whether at my misgivings or ignorance I could not tell. This was the amulet that Yi Kong had dropped down to me in the well seventeen years before. Then the Goddess of Mercy had come toward me in the subterranean darkness, riding on a fish. I had found peace of mind for the first time in her spiritual presence, amidst the stink of rotten vegetation and mildew. Later in Golden Lotus Temple, I had admired the nuns’ kind faces and compassionate deeds…
I felt an impulse to bare my thoughts and pour my soul out to a female. Since the Goddess of Mercy was, after all, but a gold-plated miniature painting, I needed a woman friend to turn to, but I had none here except…
21. Why Don’t You Try It with a Woman?
When Lisa opened the door, I felt instantly soothed by the fragrance of wild ginger flower. Her face, framed by the half-closed door with the light flooding at her back, looked soft and inviting. I followed her inside her apartment as if in a trance.
“Make yourself at home, Meng Ning. I’m going to get us something to drink.”
I looked around. The walls were painted white and the floor partly covered by dark green, intricately patterned rugs. The furniture included two bookshelves, a coffee table, and a reddish-brown wooden chest with bronze drawer handles. The feeling of simplicity and cleanliness pleased me. But what caught my attention were the paintings covering the main wall. They were huge, and I could now feel the strong yet disturbing energy emanating from the many circles and lines. Though impressive, somehow the whole effect still didn’t look quite right to me. Was Lisa deliberately striving for confusion?
“Lisa, your paintings are very…powerful,” I said, lowering myself onto the sofa next to a large window.
“Thanks.” She was busy with the refrigerator in the small kitchen, her dress straining at her hips. Then she came to put down on the coffee table a tray with two glasses and handed me one.
“It’s your Coke-with a squirt of rum in it.”
She sat down on the sofa opposite me and crossed her legs. Her toenails, painted a phosphorescent bronze, gave out a few sparks as she flicked her toes. The silver filigreed ankle bracelets twinkled in response.
It had started to rain outside. We sipped our drinks in silence while I studied her-the tawny motes flickering in her dark amber eyes, the curves of her long lashes matching those of her nose. I had always been fascinated by women, though my feelings were not at all erotic.
The beautiful female sex.
I never have thought that beauty is merely skin deep. I was sure even Yi Kong, as a nun, agreed. The novices she’d picked to be around her were all pretty. Not to mention her exquisite art collection. Beauty always whispers mystery, and how can mystery just be on the surface? Maybe that was the reason I was now attracted to Philip?
Lisa looked at me curiously. “Meng Ning, what is it? Please tell me.”
“Hmmm…just a bit confused, so I need someone to talk to.”
“So, what’s your problem, a fight with Michael because of me?”
I remained silent.
“Meng Ning, you should open yourself more to the world. And to men, too.”
Did she already know what had happened between me and Philip last night?
“Are you mad that I was Michael’s fiancée?”
I shook my head. “No, there’s something else on my mind.”
“You’ve been sheltered too long by the nuns, and now by Michael. That’s not healthy.”
“What do you mean?”
She stood up and came to sit down next to me. Then her hand started to stroke my hair, tenderly, as if I were her little sister. The rhythmic touches were soothing, almost hypnotic.
“You’re a very attractive woman, so I think maybe you should date other men besides Michael. You know, now Asian women are hot among American men. What do you think about Philip?”
My heart started to pound. I blurted out, “Do you already know what happened yesterday?”
“You mean you already had sex with Philip?” She didn’t look surprised, but amused.
“Oh no, not like that, but…” I took a big gulp of my drink.
Suddenly I noticed Lisa’s hand had already moved from my hair down to my collar bone, then shoulder. Now she leaned her face very close to mine, staring at me long and hard. “Tell me, Meng Ning, do you think sex is bad?”
“No, hmmm…” I put down the glass.
“It’s nothing wrong, right?” She tapped her head. “It’s only wrong in people’s heads.”
Seeing that I didn’t respond, she continued. “Even Buddhism teaches that sex is good. For Tibetans, sex is the way to enlightenment.”
She refilled my drink. “When you come, there’s no place for the mind, only the experiencing of the moment. There’s no separation-you become truly one with your partner.” She went on, a mischievous smile on her face. “The guy is famous for seducing reluctant women and giving them unprecedented pleasure.”
“Lisa-” I was slowly absorbing the shock. “Do you think what I did was wrong? Being engaged to Michael and attracted to Philip?” I took another gulp of my Coke.
“So what? That doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun, does it? Meng Ning, you’re taking things too seriously. Relax. Life should be a party!”
“Then does it mean that when you were engaged to Michael you also had a little fun?”
“Sure.” She didn’t bat an eyelid. “That’s why we split up. Michael’s just like you; he can’t relax.”
“But I think you told me he left you for someone else.”
“Take it easy, Meng Ning.” She was playing with my hair. “You know Michael’s past. That’s why he’s always starving for affection.”
I didn’t know how to respond. Then suddenly I noticed her hand, like a predator, was now perching on my breast.
I felt blood rush to my cheeks. “Lisa, what are you-”
“Meng Ning, relax, it’s no big deal.”
“But-” I realized that it was already the umpteenth time that I’d used the word “but.”
“You’re a Buddhist, right? So let go of your inhibition, detach from your puritanical rules and live in the moment. Rules are not made by God, but people, and most of them are pricks anyway.” Now she studied me as if I were an elementary school student. “For Christ’s sake, Meng Ning, I’m just trying to educate you!” Then her tone softened. “Believe me, it doesn’t hurt to give it a try.”
“Try what?”
She handed me my glass. “Have more; it’ll help to relax you.”
I took a long swig under her scrutinizing eyes.
“Every woman should try it at least once with another woman. I’m sure you’ll like it. It’ll feel much more open and free than with a man-”
“Lisa, stop that. I’m not a lesbian!”
“You don’t have to be. Are you an American, because you speak English?”
I was speechless.
“Me neither,” she said, then, as if I didn’t understand, added, “I’m not a dyke.”
“Then why do you want-”
“There shouldn’t be any distinctions. I like both.”
“Both what?” I felt my vision blur and a headache coming.
She lowered her voice as if to tell a secret. “Both sexes. As long as I find them attractive.” She paused to sip her drink, then added, “You know what, Meng Ning? I had a crush on you the instant I saw you at the Met. Do you know when you leaned your delicate head against Michael’s broad shoulder, you looked so damn cute and vulnerable? I already imagined making love to you-”